When Money Can Solve Problems...

Today, not only did I get my paycheck, but I also got my yearly bonus.  Not as much as last year, but I won't complain.  The extra money will pay off several bills and leave more money in my bank account.  I was very worried about how that would work out this year after some foolish mistakes made by the much higher ups.  It will feel good to take that money and pay off the bills.  That monkey on my back won't be so heavy and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I made so many foolish money management errors in my life.  To be honest, I still make them.  I admitted that I was a "make-up whore" the other day.  I have WAY too much of it.  However, on the flip side, I am actually making effort to wear make up.  I need to throw out a bunch of mascara and eye liner.  The old stuff was irritating my left eye pretty badly.

So, I have written down to cut back on the make up as well as DVDs and CDs.  Next, I need to figure out if I should continue with TiVo or get another cable box.  I have had this cable box since I left the old apartment.  However, I have an HD TV in my bedroom and the TiVo box has finally bitten the dust.  I also realized that the video quality on the old TiVo box really stunk.  After watching the entire series of As Time Goes By, the DVD quality was crystal clear - no crappy resolution.  So, now, I am trying to determine if I really want to get another TiVo box or cancel the membership and move that $13.81 over to payment to Time Warner.  I may look further into that.

Last night, when I injected my insulin for the night, some of it came back out, even though I left the needle in my stomach for a short time.  That grossed me out a bit, but I worked on shaking it off.  However, the result of that is that my blood sugar was much higher this morning.  It was about 334.  This afternoon, my blood sugar reached 440.  Crap lunch from the work cafeteria.  My bad.

Tonight, I made bacon tomato sandwiches for dinner.  I was able to get the bacon cooked and have plenty of bacon fat for green beans later.  I put out the rump roast to put in the crock pot either tomorrow or Thursday.  I managed to get some laundry done as well as emptying out the dishwasher.  I still need to fill the dishwasher and do more laundry, but a little bit a day means just that much less I have to do.

Almost time for me to take the dogs out for their nightly walk.  I am trying really, REALLY hard to hold off for a bit.  For several nights, Bo has been waking me up in the middle of the night for a walk.  I am getting tired of that interruption.  It is bad enough I have to get up sometimes to go to the bathroom.

I want to make an appointment to get a mani/pedi, but with on-call duty, I am afraid to do that.  I am seriously thinking of doing that sort of thing during the week next week.  Maybe, even take a personal day

On-call Monday...

I despise on-call.  I will make no bones about it, either.  Then, again, there are a lot of things about my job I no longer enjoy doing. 

I cut out the Paradise multi-grain bread that I was eating.  Apparently, that was what was really spiking my blood sugar.  I enjoyed it while it lasted.  I am back to Nature's Own Double Fiber and Wonder's Smart White or Wheat bread.  The carb value works for me.

My morning blood sugar is starting to lower as well.  Currently, I am taking 14 units of insulin and I am really restricting what I eat.  I hope the combo has a good effect and I can lose weight while I am doing it.  I am more concerned over my blood sugar than anything else.

Last night, I decided to cook a rib eye steak, steamed veggies, and a salad.  While cooking the rib eye, the smoke alarms went off in the apartment.  I don't think I will be cooking with that recipe again.  However, it was delicious all the same.

I ended up heading to bed around 8:45 PM last night and fell asleep with the dogs on the bed.  I woke up at 11:30 PM and got the dogs ready to go for their walk.  I have lost my patience with them on several occassions.  Bo will bark when exiting or seeing a rabbit.  Chloe has gotten into the bad habit of eating whatever crap is in the grass - probably rabbit poo.  Blech! I yanked on Chloe quite a bit to get her to behave and she started walking funny.  My intent is not to hurt, but to get her out of whatever she is trying to get into in the grass areas.  I have already spent $2500 to get her stomach and intestines better.  I know how much I hate it when I have the "runs" and I hate for her to have them. 

She is better this morning, but still hunting down crap in the grass areas to eat.  Ugh!  I got onto her twice by trying to take whatever she picked up out of her mouth.  I think I am at my wits end with her.

Time to deal with work.  I hope it is a calm week and no huge surprises.

Trying new recipes...

Last night, I checked my blood sugar and it was 510.  I was surprised and rather annoyed.  I had a tuna fish sandwich 4 hours before the test using Paradise multigrain bread.  Now, I am going to be more observant on what I am eating.  Also, I won't be eating the multigrain bread just to make sure that it is not spiking my blood sugar.

Before falling back to sleep, I was looking at Diabetic Living magazine and going over the various recipes.  I have some boneless skinless chicken in the refrigerator.  I plan on baking it using roasted chicken spices.  I am going to make steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms as well as a new dish - potato and leek au gratin.  I am excited to try it.  If it is good, then I will be making more of it.

Also, I am trying to figure out what would be a good recipe for using the crock pot.  Next week, I am on-call and it would be a good idea to have some quick fix meals.

Time to start on some chores, then head off to the mall.

Another day of high blood sugar...

Yesterday, my fasting blood sugar was 367.  Today, it is 371.  Ugh!  I already feel defeated.  Of course, that is not the right sort of attitude to take regarding this situation.  I keep trying to remind myself - it takes time for blood sugar levels to fall.

I did not eat very healthy last night.  Tonight, I will fix baked chicken with some chicken seasoning, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms steamed with some sliced tomato.  That sort of meal should help reduce the blood sugar.  Lunch today?  Well, try to eat a good salad or some fish.  That makes the best sense.

I better get something in my stomach now - I am starving.

A New Adventure Awaits...

Well, the bad news came to me on Tuesday.  My blood work showed that my A1C was 13.2 - Ouch!  Also, the blood work showed that the high blood sugar was beginning to affect my kidneys - Double Ouch! 

I knew this was coming.  I knew this was coming a long time ago and I tried to avoid it.  That was wrong for me to do.  So, now, I have accepted my fate with insulin shots.  *shiver*  It took me awhile to get adjusted to just poking my finger for testing my blood sugar.  Now, I have to poke my stomach and put something under the skin.

So, today starts a new adventure with using insulin shots to control my blood sugar as well as reworking my diet and getting some exercise into the fray.  I also need to learn to say "No" to various things at work.  Quite possibly, I need to put some emphasis into changing positions either within the company or leave completely.  That will be the most difficult part.

While I appreciate how so many depend on me, the down side is that they depend upon me too much.  I need time away and not feel "chained to the computer."  Reminds me of when I was in band in elementary, middle, and high school.  I loved band and playing clarinet so much that I enjoyed practicing.  By my senior year, I just was not enjoying band as I had.  It is quite sad because I have such ill feelings toward my clarinets.  The $70 clarinet my parents bought me produced such a lovely sound that the wooden clarinet could never produce.  That is pretty sad.  I know my parents put in a lot of money into that clarinet. 

Getting back on target, the point is that as much as I enjoy coding and such, this job of debugging issues for everyone is tiresome.

So, it is time to embrace the new adventure and make the most of it.  Look at everything with a positive light.

Just Another Manic Monday...

Facebook friend started the day like that.  I have to admit - yes, it will be another "Manic Monday."  Yesterday, unfortunately, was not a "funday" for me.  The ice maker is starting to break down.  I went to Target and bought a portable ice machine.  I cannot say it was a bad purchase.  By getting the machine, it forced me to clear out the corner across from the refrigerator.  I vacuumed and mopped up the kitchen floor, then set up where the ice machine and TV tray would be placed, then arranged where the dog food would be placed.  I also got the garbage pail set up as well.  I may buy a new one from Container Store.

I took Chloe to the vet today for her second liver test.  I hope the vet can come up with a good game plan for her.  This week, my main goals is to determine what to do with the food in the refrigerator as well as pantry.  Also, I need to clear out a bunch of stuff.  The place is just cluttered up and I need to reorganize.

Tonight, I will sit down and re-evaluate what needs to be done and start a game plan.  I am going to get this place cleaned up.

What does it mean to have a "life"?

I am no longer sure I know what it means to have a "life" these days.  I mean, I try to plan on doing some fun things and take time off from work, but either the timing is all wrong or I cannot enjoy those things without work interfering.  I know most would say, "Quit answering the pager/smart phone!", but the problem is really just not that easy.  Too many people seem to depend upon me to "fix" everything or know everything.  While that is all very flattering, it tends to lead to issues.  I am not too sure what I can do about it.

This week, I am having my own "heart to heart" regarding work, stress, and life.  Here is the incident - After a system maintenance, some application had difficulty starting correctly and caused issues.  Friday morning, I told everyone I had to leave for a doctor's appointment.  No one seemed to listen too well.  They did not want me to leave their "chat room" as the issue had not been resolved.  I had communicated to a co-worker on what to do, but the issue was not something I could easily resolve, either.  In the end, I just made it to my doctor's appointment.  Furthermore, not much was accomplished in the hour and half I was away from my dining room table while at the appointment.  I returned to my car with phone calls and such.  I got home and requested that a DBA take down a couple of DBs.  That seemed to rectify the issue, but the point being - no one really did anything while I was gone.  Basically, they all waited until I returned.

The other part is when I do try to relinquish responsibility on something, I continually get dragged back into it when problems occur.  The topper is that the same people expect me to know what is going on and fix it.  You know, that is the point of relinquishing responsibility - make others know what is going on and they fix the issues - not me.

I never intended to write posts here about work, but this double-edge sword is killing me - literally.  I can get no rest.  I cannot enjoy much from life.  Planning a vacation is pretty much a joke - always asked if I will be available if there is an issue.  So what if there is an issue?!  Why is that my responsibility?

Let's be honest.  That feels like a lot of pressure and stress.  Furthermore, it does nothing for my blood sugar issues.  I had the visit with the doctor and I just sucked it up and said that there is no way for me to cook healthy foods as long as life is chained to a computer.  I bought black and green kale to try and it got moldy.  I want to be able to cook healthier foods for myself.  I want to be able to have a life and enjoy it.  Why is it, after 15 years of long, loyal, and successful service, am I still in this position?  I would have thought after putting in so much time and making so many sacrifices that someone would say "I think she has had enough - let's give her something that does not require so much 'babying'".  That just has not happened.  The sickening part is that I have never once asked for a promotion since 2004.  I did ask to be in a lead position where I was no longer on-call, but that never happened, either.  That position was given to someone who had more knowledge and experience than me.  The very same person who does not really understand the work we do or does not listen when told of consequences of his actions.  Quite sad.

So, I sit here and think about how lovely it would be to win the lottery jackpot, retire from this job, and return back to school to complete my Bachelor's degree and get my Masters.  How I could spend more time with my dogs and more importantly, get rid of my debt.  I will say my debt is not too bad, but it is still there.

I am also tired of feeling so alone here.  Most of my friends are in Fort Worth and no one rarely wants much to do with me here.  I can understand why - most of the time, I cancel plans because there was some issue at work or I am on call.  Small wonder I do not have a boyfriend.  I wish I did - just for the companionship. 

So, I face a new frontier with insulin shots.  This is not for certain - until the blood work results return.  However, I know I have not been eating as well as I should, so I am going to go with it.  I understand that this will be easier on me.  I suppose we shall see on this new journey.