Going Into Week 8...

Starting tomorrow, I say good-bye to having regular, healthy food for breakfast and lunch.  I will be back to doing the Glucerna shakes for the next two weeks for breakfast and lunch.  I feel I need to sort out how to supplement my snacks appropriately to avoid any low blood sugar crashes.

I am only a couple of ounces away from being officially 30 lbs lighter.  Wow!  My hope is to lose a bit more before 3/27 when I see my endo for an update.  I am trying hard to make sure I meet or surpass my 10,000 step goal.  Since the version release, that has been a more difficult task because people want me to sit on the phone.  However, the point is to make sure to be more active and I am not happy when I am not active.

Since I have started getting more active, I decided to join YMCA just down the street from where I live.  I also signed up to get a personal trainer for about 12 weeks.  I stand in front of the TV and walk in place every day.  That is fine, but I need to be able to shape a bit.  Not get ripped, but tone and strengthen.

I have already talked to my trainer and we are to meet on Tuesday.  She is a very positive sounding person and likes that I am already doing a lot of the things she wants to see, counting calories, walking and etc.

I went out with a high school friend to listen to a fellow classmate's band.  The band was really good.  We had dinner at the place and I got full pretty quickly, so I am glad that part is beginning to take effect.  I just need to continue drinking more and more water.  There are some days I can get 128+ oz down no problem and other days, I just do not make it.  I have found drinking water has helped considerably.  The unfortunate part is I do not think I can ever get 2 gallons of water down me each day.  Maybe I am wrong.

Yesterday, the weather was so beautiful and nice.  Today, freezing cold.  Winter is not going down without a fight.  LOL

God's Message to Me for Today:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

the sounds of Nature can lift your spirits.

Take time to revel in the joyful songs of the birds, the splash of a bubbling brook, the whisper of the wind through the trees, and the roar of the ocean's waves. These sounds can deeply nourish your soul.

Well, I would, but it is so stinking cold outside that I don't think the birds want to bother and the brook is frozen.  LOL  :-)

Making the Mini-Goals...

Yesterday, I got on the scale and I finally passed my mini-goal of 286.2 lbs.  I weighed 285.7 lbs.

Boy, did I feel great, but I was exhausted from having stayed up so late with work stuff.  I ended up getting in a few naps and taking a break from the FitBit.  I still made it a point to keep my calorie count between 1500 - 1600 calories.  The night before, I made the decision to eat Tex-Mex and cut most of the food items to be eaten in half.  I ate half the meal Saturday and the other half on Sunday afternoon.  I am not sure if it was my feeling guilty or being down in the dumps with worry over Chloe, but I felt rather sick to my stomach while eating.  I had a really full feeling in my stomach both times, so I would like to think it is because my stomach is shrinking. 

I make it a point to try to drink a gallon of water each day.  Right now, I am trying to get my first 32 oz down and get another 32 oz down during the mid-morning.  I find that the water does help with the "full" feeling.  Also, water is a natural flush and keeps me hydrated.  I hope that the next time I see the doctor on 2/27, getting blood from me will be a breeze.  Most of the time, I was too dehydrated and it was a pain.

This morning, I decided that breakfast would be trying chicken sausage patties.  The calorie content was the same as the turkey sausage patties.  Rather than making real scrambled eggs, I bought Egg Beaters and had that.  I also included an orange.  Due to the large amount of sugar in orange juice, I can only drink that when my blood sugar is too low.  However, I can enjoy a real orange.  I found I loved how sweet the orange slices tasted.  It has been a long time since I had a real orange and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I began to realize that part of changing my lifestyle would enable me to eat foods that are naturally sweet and really understand how wonderful that is.  Also, I have been pouring over some of the recipes that Cooking Light and Diabetic Living has.  Cooking Light has a great chicken dish that I want to make.  Diabetic Living always has some wonderful recipes.  As much as I enjoy baked/roasted chicken and fish, I tend to get bored with having the same thing over and over.  Now, I am trying to look for low calorie dishes that are delicious.  So, I am working on finding some new recipes that can fit into the changes I am making.

I am also considering joining the YMCA down the road from where I live.  However, I am still making some heavy considerations regarding that.  Part of me really does not want to spend the money, but I really would like to get some great advice on what I can do to tone up and keep losing weight. 

Time to turn on the TV and walk in place for 45 minutes.  I have not done that in a few days.  I feel nothing but guilt over that because I feel I have let myself down.  Now, I need to get back on that bike and hit the road.  It is determination - I want to know what happens once I reach my goal weight - what will I look like?

Today - God's Message to Me:

Today, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know that ...

God will give you everything you need once you are ready to receive.

God is abundant and is only waiting for you to make yourself ready to receive what you truly need. Think now what can you do to make yourself ready?

Wishing...

I have completely blown this day off due to some rather disturbing news and version release for the weekend.  I am emotionally miserable.  I did manage to handle getting some Tex-Mex and only ate half of that because I was full pretty quickly.

Bo and Chloe's vet called and told me that Chloe's recent blood work showed that her liver values are off the charts.  The vet wants to do another test as well as get both dogs teeth cleaned.  March 3rd, both dogs go back to the vet.  However, I am troubled by Chloe's issues.  I have been giving her the medications as prescribed.  The liver value bothers me because there is a possibility of her blowing out either her kidneys or liver.  I know Chloe is an older dog, but I am not sure I can handle her passing away just yet.  I know there is never any good or convenient time.  Still, it saddens me deeply to think of losing her.

I spent most of the day lying in bed with her.  Just trying to spend more time with the poochie that loves to cuddle up next to me.  From the outside, she shows no signs of any issues.  Heck, while walking her tonight, she chased some animal she saw in the bushes.

I am trying to hand over my worries to God.  Unfortunately, that is not my only worry.  I need to get over some stupid thing I have running about in my head.  It has had me messed up for weeks.  I need to concentrate and I just cannot seem to do it.

Today, I had no will to focus.  Never in my life has my horoscope been this true - it actually told me that I would not be able to concentrate.  Do not even bother with trying to read or anything - it won't hold me still.  That has been so true.  I could not even concentrate on writing further on my book.

Today, I *finally* dropped a pound.  I have 0.5 lbs left before I reach my mini-goal of 286.2.  After I reach that goal, I will reset my weight loss goal to 280.0.  Now, the numbers will be even and make sense.  Being stalled on my weight loss has troubled me quite a bit.  I know it should not because I watched my BMI drop.  My clothes are fitting loose, so I can feel the change.  Still, nothing is more frustrating than not seeing the weight number change.

The other night, I went to the reunion planning meeting.  One of the guys from my class had suggested meeting at The Reservoir in FTW.  It is a very nice place.  He was buying drinks for some of his workers.  One worker was awfully nice and bit flirty.  That made me feel good.  I wish I had experienced more of that when I was younger.  I might be able to recognize when someone is being *real* vs *fake*.  Most of the time, I blow men off when they do that because I cannot believe that they would even attempt that with me.  I figure I am definitely a head case.

Today's Message From God to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you always have one last resort.

When nothing else works, surrender to God, and let your faith carry you through.

I certainly hope that God is listening.

Energy Draining Situations...

I got the following message from God today and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you will get back to solving all the wrongs in a moment, - how about taking a moment to treasure what is right.

All too often we focus so intently on solving the problems, that we forget to zoom out and celebrate what is good in our life already.

Isn't this all too true? 

Sunday and Monday, I spent a good bit of time trying to solve someone else's problem.  I had already suggested one path to take upon doing this particular process, but the person doing the work chose a different path.  The reasoning behind the different path seems valid, but for whatever reason, the process just was not working.

When I hit a brick wall or cannot figure something out, I will go back to ground zero and start over again.  Sometimes, something funky - no reason - happens and you just have to redo everything.  This person was complaining about the systems he created starting too slow.  He keyed into an area that was suspicious.  I made the comment regarding avoiding going across the national network vs the local network could be at play and he immediately discounted it before I could conclude my sentence.  I was finding every time I said something, he was chopping me off.  I finally got tired of it.

What kills me is that he makes the statement that I do not have to be like that or he is just making conversation.  Okay - well, you are asking for my help.  You have chosen a path that I did not recommend in favor for short cuts.  I have never come across your problem in the past, so I really do not know where else to start than to begin at the beginning and take a different approach.  As for the slowness of the system, I was trying to explain that as I had come across that in previous testing scenarios and I warned everyone regarding that.  The solution here indicated the introduction of that issue, therefore explaining why the system was taking forever to start.

I spend my days solving problems.  That is all I do.  People above me say I am supposed to be like a fire fighter and they constantly dump severe issues on me to solve.  I know my problem is much like the fire fighter - I am tired of putting out everyone's fire.

It is one thing to look within yourself and see the issues that you are not happy.  We go through the same process - you have to determine the issue and the best path for resolution.  Sometimes, we get the right path immediately.  Other times, we do not, but we learn from our mistakes.

I am nowhere near perfect and I never will be.  I do not want to be perfect - I want to be me and love who I am with all of the perfect and imperfect pieces about me.  As I said, I no longer have much patience - it has grown thin over time.  The person asking for my help has an abundance of patience - I know of his own personal struggles and dealing with those takes patience I no longer have.  While he can make me feel I am being hasty, at the same time, I would like for him to understand I am trying to help, but sometimes, there is no easy answer other than do it again.

Rage and Anger - Why Are You Here?

I suppose it started last night.  Most of the day was spent trying to get laundry done and tidy up the place (Okay, I did not do a great job on that part - I need a vacation from everything and do a huge dumpage).  I received a message regarding some stuff at work and I got immediately annoyed.  This went on for most of the evening.  This morning, I am asked even more questions.

Why was I annoyed? I was annoyed because this business came up on Tuesday to be done and this person should have asked for information during the week.  Now, it is the 11th hour and he is scrambling.  Deep down inside, I know that this is ALWAYS the case.  Does not matter who is doing what - no one ever plans properly.  When you do make that attempt, the people ignore you, then they can tell everyone that they never got the memo.

While I would say I am quite proud of the fact that I reached making 70,000+ steps this past week, my scale has not budged in the past 4 days.  Grrrr.  To compound matters, my FitBit Flex is acting weird.  On Saturday night, I put it on to charge over night.  I got up on Sunday and forgot to put it on when I walked the dogs.  So, I tried to approximate how many steps that was from previous walks and put that on the web site. 

Once I got back to the apartment, I put on the FitBit Flex and started doing my 45 minute walk in place.  Some time during the day, the FitBit started showing that the battery was low.  Hmmmmm?

Last night, I put the FitBit Flex into sleep mode to check my sleep.  Apparently, the device ran out of juice again while I was sleeping.  Very annoying.  So, I have pulled out my FitBit Zip and measuring the steps using that device while the Flex is recharging.  I wish that there was some way for me to switch out devices, so that I could allow one to charge while using the other for calculating my steps and such.

I suppose I have turned this process into a habit because I feel lost without the FitBit.  How funny?!

Not every day is going to be the "happy path" and I need to learn to accept some curve balls from time to time.  I have obviously reached a bit of a plateau with my weight loss.  As for work, let's be serious, that is never going to change.  People there are going to continue to do those things because they can and there is not anything I can really do about it.

I know what really angers me about work, but I cannot say on a public forum.  Again, it is a matter of people handing things as they always do and I will never be able to change that.

Gearing Up for Week 7...

I have been working on this lifestyle change for the past 6 weeks.  I hope I have been promoting a good habit at this point.  I did my walking in place for about 45 minutes while watching Sherlock - Season 3 - Episode 2.  I did not realize how much of the show I actually missed when I watched it the first time!  I have to admit, my walking in place while watching TV is improving my attention span.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought the groceries for the week.  I had a ton of really old meats and such in my refrigerator that I had to purge.  I was so disappointed in myself for that.  I think the best way to handle the grocery shopping is to get only those items I know I will use for the week as best as I can.

For example, today, I am going to make a pork roast with baked sweet potato slices, steamed mixed vegetables, and a small salad.  I measure and weigh my food items, if they are not already measured in some form or fashion.  Luckily, I have plenty of measuring spoons and cups.  That helps me so much that you have no idea.  It also helps me on regaining what portion sizes I should have. 

I do not feel hungry, but I do get the low blood sugar shakes and jitters from time to time.  That part bothers me.  I am working on lowering my insulin medications. For my Lantus, I have reduced my units from 72 to 47 and I need to reduce more.  On my Novolog, I have reduced down from 25 to 15.  I need to re-evaluate my insulin levels again as my fasting blood sugar is still in the upper 80s to lower 90s.  I think drinking tons of water, laying off of diet sodas, and eating better has helped me lower my blood sugar tremendously.

Something I noticed yesterday as I was looking to get something out to eat.  Boston Market and Outback both have places on their web site that help you evaluate how many calories and what have you on your food selection.  This is so awesome because I can put together a "plate" and put it into my FitBit foods with the correct nutritional information.  It makes going out to eat not quite so daunting a task.

Yesterday, I also had to buy some new washing detergents.  I had to get "free and clear" of perfumes and dyes due to some irritation I have been experiencing.  I hope that using these products and the medication will work for me.

I have been also toying with the idea of getting laser hair removal.  I do believe that I suffer from PCOD (out of whack hormones) and that causes the hair on my chin.  I have tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing works.  I am hesitant to do it, but at some point, I need to do something.  I get so tired of looking at it.  I know I am probably the only one to see it, but that is the point.  I see it and I do not like it.

Today, I am going to work on my laundry and also get my tax return done.  I could use the refund for paying off some bills as well as getting the laser hair removal treatments.

I told everyone - this year is all about "Remake/Remodel" and that is what I am going to do.

Today's daily message from God:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

if you cannot accept failing, you cannot succeed.

Nothing truly meaningful is achieved on the first attempt, and if that's where you stop, then failure is all you will have.

I have always told people I am not perfect.  I do not learn by being perfect.  We all learn from making mistakes.  By making mistakes, we learn why the choice was a mistake or how to keep from making the same mistake.  If everything was perfect, this world would be boring.

Week 6 Wrap Up...

I have reached 287.5 on the scale.  That is a far cry from the 314.2 back on January 6th.  As of late, I make it a point to hit my 10,000 step goal each day.  At least, with that goal in mind, I feel that I am achieving more activity in my life.

I am gaining more perspective in the portion control area.  I probably should have had my shake for lunch yesterday, but I went to Genghis Grill with some work friends.  I ordered the small bowl for lunch and had cabbage instead of any kind of rice.  I felt full after lunch and I did enjoy it.  I do find myself still "inhaling" food at times.  I really need to focus on that and slow it.  I need to learn to savor the meal, rather than "woofing" it down.  I guess we all feel we have to do things quickly in order to get them done and move onto the other things.  I have heard that it should take you 20 to 30 minutes to eat your meals.  With that in mind, you won't eat as much and your body lets you know when you have had enough.

Next week, I start to eat regular, healthy meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I hope that I can sustain the weight loss train.  I try to keep my calories down and eat healthy meals as much as I can.  Unfortunately, I am going to really have to tell one friend of mine that I can no longer go out to eat with her.  Last night, she got angry when I did not eat more of the peanut butter ice box pie.  Come on!  I am trying to lose weight here and I had 5 to 6 bites.  I am not going to eat the whole thing - that is all that there is to that!  I am determined to get this weight off of me and if you want dessert, then you eat it!  It just really chaps my hide.

Today, I have already walked in place for 45 minutes.  My legs are a bit tired, but it is a good tired - not one of pain or strain.  I checked the FitBit and I have already reached 6,630 steps and it is BEFORE 6 PM!!!  For me, during the week, it is so difficult to get those steps done before 10 PM.  Last night, I did make my 10,000 step goal before 11 PM, but as soon as I got home from dinner and walking the dogs, I was in the living room pounding out the floor in front of the TV. 

One thing I like about having gotten a majority of my steps in for the day, I can rest a bit.  I do not have this feeling of "You have to get your steps done or you won't lose any weight!  You don't want to be fat and ugly all your life, do you?"  Now, it is "Good for you!  Now, make sure you drink plenty of water and find something healthy to eat".

A Moment of Self-Guessing...

The other day, I went to see a new doctor - an OB-GYN.  I was concerned about something and I thought it would be best to get someone other than my GP to look into it.  As I sat in the waiting room, I saw all of these women who were pregnant or had small children coming in and out of the office.  I began to think about my life.  Did I make the right choices for myself?  Why was I so alone?  Will there ever be a man for me?  Would I ever find a true love?

I have always said I would never have a child without a father.  Parenting is such a difficult task and doing it alone would be crazy.  Do not get me wrong - I have high praise for those men and women who have had to raise children by themselves.  God gave those people more patience and understanding that I only wish I had.  For me, if I were to find the man of my dreams - the right man - and I felt I could still have a healthy child, I probably would do it as long as we both were secure that it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I know my life is truly chaotic.  That is not an atmosphere for bringing others into it, especially a child.  My dogs manage dealing with me, but I appreciate them more than they will ever know.  Right now, they are my "children" and I love them very much.  I also know that my dogs are my protectors and that humbles me to no end.  They may be small, but they want to protect me.  I appreciate that.  Of course, I have always said - you hurt my dogs, I will kill you.  Most parents feel the same about their children.  I would say the feeling is mutual.

Back to my update:

I have lost 26.7 lbs to date.  I  have about 1.3 lbs to lose before hitting my current small term goal.  Medium goal is 60 lbs by May - Celebration - Go to Six Flags and spend the day riding rides.  Definitely means a lot of walking!  I will do this because I really want to go to Six Flags!  I will probably make another medium goal to go back there again in September - maybe I will be 90 lbs lighter at that point.  I hope to be in better shape than I started.  Also, I will celebrate 2014-2015 hockey season with two new jerseys that will be much smaller!

I need to work on getting my passport.  I would like to make my ultimate reward for reaching the big goal a trip to England.

In the meantime, I am going to stay positive and make these miracles happen for me.  I need the change!