Time to Regain Focus...

The past few days, I found myself going into a depressive tail spin.  I allowed a lot of things to affect me.  Yesterday, while I was at work, I noticed I was grabbing candy to eat for no reason.  I recognized I had no control over myself.

Today, I got on the scale and noted I had gained about a pound or so.  This is normal - I try to tell myself.  At the same time, I feel I have allowed myself to go out of control. 

This is the first step and it is huge.  I recognize when I am going down the wrong road.  I need to get back on the horse and make sure I am going down the right path.

My biggest worry is that I am about to lose control and that is not what I want to do.  I have noticed that I cannot complete eating a meal at a restaurant because I get full.  This is a good sign.

I cannot seem to get as much water into my system.  I just never feel thirsty, but I know I need to drink more water.

Must continue to move forward!

God's Message to Me:

you can only give away what you already have inside yourself.

True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own self with these emotions.

What Am I Doing Wrong Here?

For the past week, due to schedule conflicts, I have yet to make it into the gym to do any of the strength training exercises.  I woke up early to head over to the gym and found out that it is not open until 1 PM.  My schedule today is still a bit tight.

I have resolved myself to try to do some of the exercise ball routines here in the apartment, then do 30 minutes of walking in place.  At least, I can say, I did get some activity done today.  Tomorrow, head into the gym early and work on the recent set of strength training exercises.

Still, I wonder in my mind if I am doing the wrong thing.  Hockey season is almost over and this week, I do not have a home game to attend until Saturday afternoon.  This week was a bit nutty with getting to see Elton John, then a home game the following night.  Yesterday, I went in search of a heart monitor for when I do workouts.  Not thrilled with those that require a band to wear because they never fit.

Anyway, I need to quit looking at the negative aspect of this.  I do work on walking in place when I cannot make it to the gym, so that is a positive.  I suppose with all of the crud that hit me this week, I am having a rather downer day.  My thoughts make me think - Just throw in the towel.  Why are you bothering with this?  You get better and find out something else is wrong with you.  You probably won't be able to exercise again!

However, my heart keeps telling me - you have come this far, don't give up.  Okay, so there may be another problem - you have faced adversity before and you will do it again and again.  Take the issue head on, deal with it, but never give up.  As for falling for someone who is completely unattainable - that is why they are called crushes.  Quit worrying over that - God will handle that for you - he has not forgotten you.  He has reminded you that you can love and you do have feelings, but God obviously has someone else much more fitting for you.  Let that go and let him handle that.  No sense in worrying over that.

It is just so hard not to worry.  I worry about letting myself down.  I worry that something horrible is going to happen and I will have major set backs.  I just worry.

I just need to take a step back and remind myself - you can do this and you will get to where  you need to be.  What you have accomplished is HUGE!  You have not failed and you won't as long as you keep with the program and make it a part of your life.  That is the most important piece - this has to be a part of my life.  It has to be what makes me "ME".  Just like I accepted having diabetes as part of my life, I must accept being active and enjoying life as part of "ME."

God's Message to Me:

peace will come when you let the presence of God settle into your heart.

If there is to be peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations. If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities. If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbors. If there is to be peace between neighbors, there must be peace in the home. If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart.

Week 10 - Progress Report - Medical Establishment Causes Much Frustration...

I finally made it through the two weeks of Glucerna shakes.  For the next two weeks, I will be able to eat healthy food for breakfast and lunch.  Honestly, I cannot wait to get back to doing that.  Primarily, that would be because I do not have as many blood sugar drops.

For my weight, I reduced my mini-goal weight down to 275 and currently, I weigh 276.9.  I feel really good about that.  I am still pretty OCD about measuring my food, but I have found a lot of really interesting recipes that are tasty.  I am also getting better on handling my portion sizes and for me, that is a really huge step.

Last night, at the Stars game, I realized that I was getting better at walking up the hill as well as walking down to the station.  I would get a bit out of breath, but now, I do not and I am getting better at maintaining with the crowd.  That meant a lot.

I am still drinking water as much as I can.  Where I have the most issue is when I try to get a gallon of water drank in a day.  Not sure why, but the past couple of weeks, I just have not been able to do it.  I am conscious of it, so I am trying harder on that.

On Monday, I got a steroid shot in my hand to relax the tendon causing my trigger finger.  It did hurt like hell and it was bruised for a few days.  Now, I can just about close my fist without a whole lot of pain.  I do hope that this one shot will work.  I would really hate to have to go back for another shot.  Ugh.

The most confusing and concerning problem has to do with my new general practitioner.  My previous GP left the practice in order to be with her family in New Mexico.  When I went to visit the new GP, I had to fill out all of the paperwork as if I were a new patient.  I had my blood drawn for 3 month testing.

I do not get any information regarding my blood work results until I had to call to find out.  The doctor had the results for over two weeks.  I was happy to know my A1C had dropped from 7.3 to 5.9.  My cholesterol, triglycerides, and other numbers I usually watch were down to normal levels.  I felt really good that the changes have been making in my life were really making a difference.

On Friday, the doctor's office calls while I was out walking the dogs.  I call back and am informed blood urine numbers and such were elevated.  High level, I know that this is because the blood work shows a large amount of protein is showing.  I ask the nurse what I am to do about this or what will happen and I get "I really don't know, but the doctor wants to know if you are seeing a specialist for the issue".  Excuse me?!  I filled out new patient information and provided all doctors I was seeing - that was just the endo as there were no others!  What is the problem?!

To compound matters, the new GP is not available for a visit to help me understand these numbers, what they mean and how I can work to lower them.  I cannot see her for another 3 weeks?!  This is completely absurd.

When I was in the office, the nurse stood there and complained about how the endo office was not communicating with them or sending them information.  Furthermore, the GP wanted to know why the endo was not taking care of the blood pressure, cholesterol, and triglyceride medication.  My previous GP had originally prescribed these medications to me.  What exactly is the issue here?

Friday, I drove over to the doctor's office and got my blood work paperwork, then hand delivered them over to the endo office.  I have a copy of my blood work done back in September as well as my current blood work results.  Since I have an appointment at the endo office in two weeks, yours truly is going to make it a point to ask about these numbers, what do I need to worry about as well as what can I do about lowering these numbers.

It really bothers me to be asked if I am seeing a specialist for a problem that I have no idea that I have.  Last time, the endo indicated that these numbers were elevated, but nothing to worry over at this time.  Now, the GP has me worried that something more wrong is happening.  It is so discouraging.

After the incident, I was really upset.  I felt like I needed to just give up, but I decided that was not a good idea.  I had come too far and if I gave up because someone is just a pain, that was wrong.

I have realized what a real geek and nerd I am.  I have spent most of the day watching The Big Bang Theory.  I love it!

God's Message To Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

God doesn't give you what you want, God gives you according to who you are.

Change who you are to change your life.

Just When I Felt All Was Lost...

Been spending the day trying to shake the funk.  One of the things I wanted to get was the blood test results from the doctor's office.  At the endo's office back in December, my A1C number was 7.3.  It was lower than the previous reading of 8.7, and even lower than when I first visited the endo - 13.2.

I finally got hold of the doctor's office and I got the information I needed.  My A1C was 5.9.  Wow!  5.9!  I actually cried when I left work and got into my car.  In all of the years I have been managing this disease, I have never been able to get below 7.  This was a HUGE break through for me.

My Cholesterol was 116, Triglycerides 86. 

You have no idea how wonderful it feels to have made such drastic changes in my life and seeing these results.  Sure, I wanted to go celebrate with a huge piece of cheesecake.  I resisted the urge because my weight is still not where I want it. 

In 3.5 months, I have achieved so much and there was a lot of hard work and determination done.  Yes, I had my cheat days.  I needed those in order to feel normal.  I needed my occasional sweet, but constantly reminding myself to never over do. 

The hard part is about to start - making sure I keep those number in "normal" levels.  I am nowhere finished - I am just getting started.

God's Message to Me Today:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

your friends are one of your greatest blessings.

Take time to spend time with them. Nurture them. Friends enrich your life immeasurably. They make good times better and hard times easier. Be good to your friends and love them well.

This is very true.  So many people I call my friend have been there cheering me on during all of this.  Getting the support has meant so much to me.  It is good to know so many people are on my side to get this weight off of my frame.  It means so much!

Sometimes, I Am Too Obsessive...

I have allowed myself to become way to obsessive about a particular thing.  It is not the weight-loss, although, making these changes was because of that obsession.  Today, in a more positive light, I realize I cannot make certain events/people happen.  Sometimes, I live too much in a dream world where things are not very realistic.  What I need to do is shake that off and be real about it all.

I won't go in much detail because I am ashamed to have fallen into that trap, yet, again.  Reality hits hard, but it is always the truth that cannot be denied.  In abstract, there are things I can make happen and those are projects I have control.  Those are the things I should direct those obsessive tendencies.  Not the ones where there is absolutely no chance in hell of happening as I have no control.

On an even more positive point, I am under the 280 mark.  I weighed today and my weight is 278.2 - I have lost 35 lbs since January.  Last night's workout still has me feeling tired, but not weighed down.  I sweated a lot, but I expect that while lifting weights.  It is not easy, but it is very important to me to build up my muscles so that I can endure longer.  I have 12 week sessions planned out, so I have that commitment to do it.  I hope that it allow me to inspire myself to try yoga and other classes there for mixing it up a bit and not overdoing it.

Getting that Wayward Feeling...

Getting that depressing feeling waving over me.  I try to resolve myself that not everything is set in stone.  Life has changes, you just have to roll with the punches.  So what if things do not work out as you wish - get around it and refocus on what is important.

I have never been much of a religious person.  I just wonder sometimes if I am forgotten.  I pray that someone is listening, but apparently, I am pretty thick headed.

Maybe this is why I need to head to bed after an hour rough work out.  :-) 

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

the world is an abundant place.

So far, everyday of your life you have had enough to survive. Whether it was water, food or shelter, one way or another, you had enough. Why would tomorrow be any different? God has created an abundant world, live in appreciation of that.

"Don't Give Up"...

Slow Day...

I simply did not get it done today.  I have gotten a little less than 8000 steps in today.  It has been a rather crazy day.  I did manage to lose another couple of lbs.  I now weigh 282.

I visited a hand specialist to check on my "trigger finger" problem on my left hand.  I ended up getting a steroid shot.  I pray that this will work.  My hand is bruised from the shot and it hurts.  Not something I would recommend, but the alternative is out-patient surgery to remove the tendon.  I really do not want to deal with that.

I signed up for a Writer's course.  I thought this would be a good start with helping me look at a more creative side - a good outlet for me.

Looking forward to meeting with my personal trainer tomorrow.  I like feeling as though I am actually making a change in my life.  My objective is to become more active to the point that I really do not realize how active I really am.  Not the sort of active where I am constantly worn out, but the one where I am out there doing something and really enjoying it.

While I was seeing the hand specialist, the doctor suggested weight loss surgery.  I stated that it was a last resort.  I was already working on losing weight by eating healthy, re-learning portion control, and making sure I add exercise of some sort into my daily routine.  When I told her I had already lost 30 lbs since the beginning of January, I always feel I have to justify myself.  The point is - I am doing it - REALLY!  I have the proof with the FitBit application.  Everything that goes in my mouth is registered there.  My activity is registered on the application  as well.  I am working hard to hold myself accountable because I know I can do this.  I can do it without drugs and surgery.  I do not want to take the fast and quick route because it only leads to something bad.

This process forces me to relearn what I need to know to keep burning calories.  Also, it will help me keep from gaining weight.  I did phen-phen and it was just a tool.  I started gaining weight back when I quit exercising.  That is why it is so important for me to keep this up.  I need to know what is at the end of this journey.  What will life present to me?

God's Message to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the shell of the seed must break, that its heart may grow into a tree, so must you know pain.

Not sure what to make of this...