Back in December, I lost a friend due to some commentary I made regarding some divorce drama being played out on Facebook. I took a lot of heat from a gang of people for my comments. Apparently, these people were so sour on the wife that they looked for every excuse in the book to roast her.
I licked my wounds and hobbled off to my inner world to escape the damage. Later, I learned that those people who were roasting me had some confessions to some real truths. I am still no longer a friend with this one person and I doubt we will ever be friends again. Bottom line, I am okay with that. I did not say anything wrong and I would say it again. The bullshit that goes on in a divorce needs to remain off Twitter and Facebook. It is simply a damn shame that so many of these people have resorted back to acting as they did when we were in high school.
To coin the phrase, I am so over that.
I have slowly come out of my sanctuary and back onto Facebook. I get the occasional negative response regarding my love of hockey, but I let it go. I do not provide those the pleasure of getting to me, so I ignore them. I allow them to sit and twist waiting for something that will never happen.
However, when the new mate of the divorcing couple starts making threats, I have to scratch my head. That is just downright scary - Fatal Attraction type scary. It also concerns me.
Why does this concern me? This person is so in love with someone who has so many issues that making threats to the other party is not beneath them. Is love worth doing such incredibly stupid things? Have we lost all common sense to this point of hurting another physical being because you are hurting emotionally?
Maybe I was blessed with too much logic? I mean, I could think of such horrible things, but then I think about the consequences of my actions. I also think about how would I feel if someone did that to me - if someone hurt the people I loved.
Revenge should be left to God - bottom line. None of us have the right to be judge and jury. You have every right not to like someone for their actions, but the rest of that mess - leave it to God. Through all of my struggles with other people, when I thought life was at its very worse, I would try so hard to let it go, even though I hurt. It is so difficult for me to let go of emotional pain. It is such a struggle, but I try to take it out in a constructive manner. The most destructive method for me is internal - I will eat. However, I will never take out that pain onto another person.
We should always carefully consider our actions before doing them. The damage done can never be repaired.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Where To Go When There Is No One...
These days, my mother was wise beyond her years. While I realize that life/karma hands out these little challenges, when they all start collecting together, the dam sometimes will break. It is always nice to have that someone you can lean on to just listen. Not make decisions, but just listen and comfort you.
Many people have that comfort as they are married or in a serious relationship. Others have roommates that are good friends. Those without these bonds turn to family. Then, there are the select few of us who really have no one to turn.
For me, it was my mother. She was my rock and security. When life was tossing around lemons, she showed me how to make lemonade with a twist. She listened when I did not need a solution; I just needed someone to make me feel better. Someone to help me see what I could do better and if it really was not me, then reinforce with me that I did all I really could.
As I sit here, writing this, I realize how much I miss my mother. It has just been a little over five years since she passed and I simply do not know what to do without her. Most days, I manage to get by the days and try to land on a positive note. Other days, like this one, where everything that has gone wrong has gone wrong and it is too much to bear, I do not have her to listen.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was an incident last night. I do the best I can while working, but I realize I cannot do it alone. I need time that I just do not have. Having my dogs has its strain on me as well. However, last night, I realized once again how very alone I really am.
I was watching a show on Netflix and decided to get some popcorn. Standing in the kitchen, I heard "drip...drip...drip". That awful feeling came over me of something bad. I went to search for it. The ceiling above the entry way of my apartment was damp and the corner above the staircase dripping water. On the side wall, there was a damp stream and a damp circle where the sprinkler was. I called maintenance as I believed this to be an emergency. My fear is that they will blame me for any damages. Do not ask me why I feel this way - I worry so much that it happens.
I tried to call my father just to feel better. Unfortunately, he never picked up the phone. This is not the first time and somewhere deep within me, I know it will not be the last. It only reinforces what my mother would say about my father and none of it is very nice. He has his faults, which I know. However, his loyalty is elsewhere these days and I am not in that picture. Maybe it is because his family is generally very distant from one another, I really do not know. It is what it is.
I called a friend of mine, who I had just spoken with about 15 minutes earlier. I woke her and I really hate disturbing her, but she is the closest thing to my mother. I got off my chest my worries in about 5 minutes. The sad part is this friend has a serious bout of cancer and she won't be around much longer.
When my blood sugar hit lows of in the 40s, I would stagger into the kitchen to get a coke to raise my blood sugar. I realized I had no one, just like last night. Where does one go when life gets to be too much. I know most would say put your worry to God, but God does not speak to you as someone here on Earth. It is comforting to hear a calm voice telling you it is okay or not to worry you did the right thing.
Maybe God was there helping me to the kitchen when I was struggling to get there. Maybe He is here now, but I struggle with all of these tests. It just would be nice to hear my mother's voice again. It is probably because she as my one true friend.
Many people have that comfort as they are married or in a serious relationship. Others have roommates that are good friends. Those without these bonds turn to family. Then, there are the select few of us who really have no one to turn.
For me, it was my mother. She was my rock and security. When life was tossing around lemons, she showed me how to make lemonade with a twist. She listened when I did not need a solution; I just needed someone to make me feel better. Someone to help me see what I could do better and if it really was not me, then reinforce with me that I did all I really could.
As I sit here, writing this, I realize how much I miss my mother. It has just been a little over five years since she passed and I simply do not know what to do without her. Most days, I manage to get by the days and try to land on a positive note. Other days, like this one, where everything that has gone wrong has gone wrong and it is too much to bear, I do not have her to listen.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was an incident last night. I do the best I can while working, but I realize I cannot do it alone. I need time that I just do not have. Having my dogs has its strain on me as well. However, last night, I realized once again how very alone I really am.
I was watching a show on Netflix and decided to get some popcorn. Standing in the kitchen, I heard "drip...drip...drip". That awful feeling came over me of something bad. I went to search for it. The ceiling above the entry way of my apartment was damp and the corner above the staircase dripping water. On the side wall, there was a damp stream and a damp circle where the sprinkler was. I called maintenance as I believed this to be an emergency. My fear is that they will blame me for any damages. Do not ask me why I feel this way - I worry so much that it happens.
I tried to call my father just to feel better. Unfortunately, he never picked up the phone. This is not the first time and somewhere deep within me, I know it will not be the last. It only reinforces what my mother would say about my father and none of it is very nice. He has his faults, which I know. However, his loyalty is elsewhere these days and I am not in that picture. Maybe it is because his family is generally very distant from one another, I really do not know. It is what it is.
I called a friend of mine, who I had just spoken with about 15 minutes earlier. I woke her and I really hate disturbing her, but she is the closest thing to my mother. I got off my chest my worries in about 5 minutes. The sad part is this friend has a serious bout of cancer and she won't be around much longer.
When my blood sugar hit lows of in the 40s, I would stagger into the kitchen to get a coke to raise my blood sugar. I realized I had no one, just like last night. Where does one go when life gets to be too much. I know most would say put your worry to God, but God does not speak to you as someone here on Earth. It is comforting to hear a calm voice telling you it is okay or not to worry you did the right thing.
Maybe God was there helping me to the kitchen when I was struggling to get there. Maybe He is here now, but I struggle with all of these tests. It just would be nice to hear my mother's voice again. It is probably because she as my one true friend.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
When It Feels It Is All Crashing Down Around You...
This past weekend, my group had a major deployment. Over all, I take my hat off to my group. The project was fast tracked from the April date we all agreed to this past weekend. There are still some issues here and there that need to be ironed out, but seriously, this huge project needed the additional time. Therefore, what the team was able to do and test, it was amazing.
At the same time, Mother Nature decided to give North Texas one last shot at winter with several days of very cold, nasty weather. Now, honestly, I prefer the cold to the hot. In Texas, you experience both. Those that love the heat, love the summer months. I love the fall, winter, and spring months, but despise summer. Sunday started the freezing rain and sleet, so that on Monday, the roads were icy. You can bet I stayed home and worked. I was thankful for having a job that allowed me to do that. I would have taken a vacation day, otherwise.
During the course of the past couple of weeks, my laptop has had one problem or another. During deployment, my mouse would not allow me to "focus" on various window areas. I spent Monday with tech support trying to sort out that issue. Yesterday, I ran into the issue where the system said the trust between the laptop and the domain had failed. Next, Outlook was hosed.
Since the weather was nasty most of the week, I worked from home. The dogs were pretty happy about that. However, there were those times I dreaded having to walk them. I have no idea who designed this apartment complex, but I have to scratch my head. The streets are not flat. As you drive around the complex, you notice that many of the driveways slope downward. When the driveway gets iced over, I do not dare try to back out of my garage. I have seen people struggle with trying to get their vehicles into closed in driveways with the roads are icy. Probably the most amazing - watching cars come around the sloped downward road corner where my apartment resides. The cars slide from the top of the road right into the corner.
So, that is why I dread walking the dogs - sloped streets and ice mean a good possibility of sliding. That was exactly what happened last night. Bo and Chloe were in a hurry to get back to the apartment and had not realized I lost my traction cleats during our walk. I slid and fell right on my knee. I had trouble just getting traction to get up - I kept falling down. Sadly, no one in my neighborhood came out to help. I scooted across the road to the corner where my apartment is, then there was enough snow for traction to get up. I put the dogs back into the apartment, then went in search for my traction cleats.
I found the cleats and returned home. My left knee was telling me how bad that fall really was, so I tried to sit down and give it some rest. Yeah - that was not happening. Bo jumps in my lap and starts licking me like there is no tomorrow. That is usually his signal to you that he needs to go back outside and poop. Yep - that was exactly that and I just broke down.
I got my clothes back on and ran him outside to do his business. I came home and tried to eat my dinner. That was an ordeal due to both dogs acting like my soup should be their meal.
What upset me was that the things I really want/needed to get done were not getting done. Next Friday, I will get U-Verse installed and I seriously need to work on the apartment. Between work and the dogs, nothing is getting done. As I sit here writing this, I am looking around at where to start.
Sometimes, everything builds up and overwhelms me. Last night, I took a friend's advice. I fixed myself a small drink and just sat in silence. I am not saying alcohol solves problems - that is not the point. The point for me is just relax and reflect. Realize that sure, it seems like everything is falling apart, but be thankful for what you have.
It is just time to put down boundaries and get stuff done. Also, I want to get a house, but I doubt it will be this year. I need to stop thinking negative about that and my weight. I may have to wait, but as I work towards it, the wait will be worth it.
At the same time, Mother Nature decided to give North Texas one last shot at winter with several days of very cold, nasty weather. Now, honestly, I prefer the cold to the hot. In Texas, you experience both. Those that love the heat, love the summer months. I love the fall, winter, and spring months, but despise summer. Sunday started the freezing rain and sleet, so that on Monday, the roads were icy. You can bet I stayed home and worked. I was thankful for having a job that allowed me to do that. I would have taken a vacation day, otherwise.
During the course of the past couple of weeks, my laptop has had one problem or another. During deployment, my mouse would not allow me to "focus" on various window areas. I spent Monday with tech support trying to sort out that issue. Yesterday, I ran into the issue where the system said the trust between the laptop and the domain had failed. Next, Outlook was hosed.
Since the weather was nasty most of the week, I worked from home. The dogs were pretty happy about that. However, there were those times I dreaded having to walk them. I have no idea who designed this apartment complex, but I have to scratch my head. The streets are not flat. As you drive around the complex, you notice that many of the driveways slope downward. When the driveway gets iced over, I do not dare try to back out of my garage. I have seen people struggle with trying to get their vehicles into closed in driveways with the roads are icy. Probably the most amazing - watching cars come around the sloped downward road corner where my apartment resides. The cars slide from the top of the road right into the corner.
So, that is why I dread walking the dogs - sloped streets and ice mean a good possibility of sliding. That was exactly what happened last night. Bo and Chloe were in a hurry to get back to the apartment and had not realized I lost my traction cleats during our walk. I slid and fell right on my knee. I had trouble just getting traction to get up - I kept falling down. Sadly, no one in my neighborhood came out to help. I scooted across the road to the corner where my apartment is, then there was enough snow for traction to get up. I put the dogs back into the apartment, then went in search for my traction cleats.
I found the cleats and returned home. My left knee was telling me how bad that fall really was, so I tried to sit down and give it some rest. Yeah - that was not happening. Bo jumps in my lap and starts licking me like there is no tomorrow. That is usually his signal to you that he needs to go back outside and poop. Yep - that was exactly that and I just broke down.
I got my clothes back on and ran him outside to do his business. I came home and tried to eat my dinner. That was an ordeal due to both dogs acting like my soup should be their meal.
What upset me was that the things I really want/needed to get done were not getting done. Next Friday, I will get U-Verse installed and I seriously need to work on the apartment. Between work and the dogs, nothing is getting done. As I sit here writing this, I am looking around at where to start.
Sometimes, everything builds up and overwhelms me. Last night, I took a friend's advice. I fixed myself a small drink and just sat in silence. I am not saying alcohol solves problems - that is not the point. The point for me is just relax and reflect. Realize that sure, it seems like everything is falling apart, but be thankful for what you have.
It is just time to put down boundaries and get stuff done. Also, I want to get a house, but I doubt it will be this year. I need to stop thinking negative about that and my weight. I may have to wait, but as I work towards it, the wait will be worth it.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
*Whine* Back Problems Stink...
Since June 2014, I have all sorts of different back problems. Initially, the glutes and back would tighten up so much that walking was impossible. Just the idea of the pain involved with walking the dogs was horrendous.
Now, my problem is that the glutes and quads get so tight that it hurts. The back is not so much involved and I try to figure out ways to stretch out those muscles and take Bayer Back and Body Extra Strength. The medication does not work, really. Sometimes, it does, but most of the time, it is taken in vain.
Last night, I went to 1310 The Ticket Ticket Stock to watch the "Time Wasters." Basically, it is a show put on by the radio's show hosts, producers, and other members. They all perform cover songs or mock up songs for various bits. I had been once before, but got interrupted all through out it for work issues. Never seems to fail - work has a major release whenever the station does Ticket Stock.
I decided I needed to go and met up with an old high school friend there. We got to stand in front of the stage to watch. The suck part is that there are no chairs, so we were standing the entire time. My back was killing me. I finally ran to the bathroom just to sit down - man, the relief!
I grabbed a couple of waters for my friend and me and went back to my spot, but I did not last much longer. I finally left the area and found some place where I could sit. I suffered walking back to the car as well as walking the dogs. I was not a happy camper. I would have been fine with the sore feet, but my back! Give it up!
This morning, I had a lot of trouble just walking and had issues walking the dogs. I had to go to the grocery store to do the bi-weekly shopping. I kept putting it off and finally got my act together and got it done. After fighting with the other customers and such, I found that my back area stopped hurting.
I would be so much happier if I could find something that worked every time to prevent this pain. It is so annoying.
Now, my problem is that the glutes and quads get so tight that it hurts. The back is not so much involved and I try to figure out ways to stretch out those muscles and take Bayer Back and Body Extra Strength. The medication does not work, really. Sometimes, it does, but most of the time, it is taken in vain.
Last night, I went to 1310 The Ticket Ticket Stock to watch the "Time Wasters." Basically, it is a show put on by the radio's show hosts, producers, and other members. They all perform cover songs or mock up songs for various bits. I had been once before, but got interrupted all through out it for work issues. Never seems to fail - work has a major release whenever the station does Ticket Stock.
I decided I needed to go and met up with an old high school friend there. We got to stand in front of the stage to watch. The suck part is that there are no chairs, so we were standing the entire time. My back was killing me. I finally ran to the bathroom just to sit down - man, the relief!
I grabbed a couple of waters for my friend and me and went back to my spot, but I did not last much longer. I finally left the area and found some place where I could sit. I suffered walking back to the car as well as walking the dogs. I was not a happy camper. I would have been fine with the sore feet, but my back! Give it up!
This morning, I had a lot of trouble just walking and had issues walking the dogs. I had to go to the grocery store to do the bi-weekly shopping. I kept putting it off and finally got my act together and got it done. After fighting with the other customers and such, I found that my back area stopped hurting.
I would be so much happier if I could find something that worked every time to prevent this pain. It is so annoying.
Technology Frustration Update...
I finally figured out how to manually clear that one troubling transaction. Now, I am able to keep my iPhone and PC transactions synced. Nothing more frustrating than have that one odd transaction throwing off your balance.
As usual, I was about to post the dumb question on the "Quicken Community" when I started playing about with the program. I noticed that I had to do the following:
That did the trick.
However, I am still keeping a careful eye on what happens next.
As usual, I was about to post the dumb question on the "Quicken Community" when I started playing about with the program. I noticed that I had to do the following:
- Deleted the transaction from the PC data
- Added the transaction back and tried to do a match via sync with on-line banking
- Transaction still did not have an automatic match, so highlighted the transaction
- Went to the "Edit" selection at the top of the screen, then clicked on "Transaction"
- Selected "Reconcile" and hit "Cleared"
That did the trick.
However, I am still keeping a careful eye on what happens next.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Technology Frustrations...
It seems that this never fails. When you depend on technology, processes and such go fine, then BOOM! Something funky happens. It keeps me thinking that we truly have "Ghosts in the Machine." Strange creatures that cause mayhem and havoc with our regular lives.
Seriously, it is always something. For work, a McAfee or Windows Update screws up my VPN access to work. It is taking a week to get my work laptop fixed. In the meantime, I have not been able to connect to work from home. In hindsight, that may not be a bad thing. However, there are times I need to work from home, so that part does stink.
A few weeks ago, I got the latest Quicken program. I installed and configured the PC portion, then made sure I had the iPhone app available. Overall, it has been truly helpful to keep me in line with my spending habits. That was the main purpose for having the software. The unfortunate part is that twice I have had the iPhone app completely out of sync with the PC or on-line balance. It is really weird.
The first time, the iPhone balance showed that I had $1000 less than what my on-line bank balance was showing. When I investigated this really huge mistakes, I found that it was caused from mismatches between my entries and what was downloaded. Ugh. I had to reconcile everything until it matched.
This morning, I woke up and remembered that I needed to add a transaction to my iPhone app. The balance showed $-290.00. That woke me up!
Again, I researched the issue and it was double transactions again. Now, this may be just the early start of the program's learning on matching the transactions, but talk about annoying! The software is supposed to help you with your daily tasks - not cause you an early heart attack.
Here is to hoping these types of frustrations die down soon...
Seriously, it is always something. For work, a McAfee or Windows Update screws up my VPN access to work. It is taking a week to get my work laptop fixed. In the meantime, I have not been able to connect to work from home. In hindsight, that may not be a bad thing. However, there are times I need to work from home, so that part does stink.
A few weeks ago, I got the latest Quicken program. I installed and configured the PC portion, then made sure I had the iPhone app available. Overall, it has been truly helpful to keep me in line with my spending habits. That was the main purpose for having the software. The unfortunate part is that twice I have had the iPhone app completely out of sync with the PC or on-line balance. It is really weird.
The first time, the iPhone balance showed that I had $1000 less than what my on-line bank balance was showing. When I investigated this really huge mistakes, I found that it was caused from mismatches between my entries and what was downloaded. Ugh. I had to reconcile everything until it matched.
This morning, I woke up and remembered that I needed to add a transaction to my iPhone app. The balance showed $-290.00. That woke me up!
Again, I researched the issue and it was double transactions again. Now, this may be just the early start of the program's learning on matching the transactions, but talk about annoying! The software is supposed to help you with your daily tasks - not cause you an early heart attack.
Here is to hoping these types of frustrations die down soon...
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Financial - Starting Over With Monitoring...
I think we are always looking for the easiest way to get mundane, repetitive things done. I have gone from keeping a checkbook, using banking software products, and finally, checking my balance on-line. I seem to do much better at managing my finances with banking software products.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I used a Palm device to sync up transactions. Basically, it was an electronic checkbook, calendar, and note taking device for me. However, when the "smart phone" age appeared, Quicken had issues with syncing transactions. Apple was not willing to open up about how its sync process worked.
Since that time, I have tried going back to just using Quicken on the computer, but I always bomb out at the end. Every reason in the world not to record my transactions or keep the electronic check book balanced.
Now, Quicken has a fix for the sync-ing issue - using the cloud to help maintain your transactions. I figured it was time to give it a go. I have been looking over my 401K and pension plans - basically, trying to figure out how to make more money for retirement. Also, I am on this spending fast and like with a diet, I have fallen off a couple of times. Now, I need to really crack down before it goes out of control.
I have installed the software and it downloaded all of my accounts from my bank. I will still go through all of my accounts and take a monthly look at everything to see how I am doing. My hope is that as my balances go down, so will my weight. Sort of funny how to link finances to my weight, but as I cook more and more at home, I should see more of a reduction in both areas. I won't be going out to eat as much. Also, I should be eating better.
My plan at this time is to get the Quicken app installed on my iPhone - it's free!. This way, I can look over what transactions and see where I am. I really think that this will help me as it had done in the early 2000s. I paid to see my FICO and was astonished at the number. Actually, I was pretty ashamed, so I got off my backside, quit using cards, and used cash to pay for dining out as well as paid off various cards with my bonus money. This year, bonus money is going into a separate account for the pets. This way, I have an amount set aside for their needs and I am not charging all of the time.
At the same time, I am still putting away money as part of the cash jar program. I am also looking to squeeze a little extra money to cover seeing my trainer. I borrowed some money from my savings account to get 6 weeks of 1 hour training sessions. Luckily, I only see my trainer for 30 minutes, so that expands the sessions. Still, my justification for the trainer is that I am seeing positive changes. Also, this is for my health. I need to take time out and go into the gym to take a class or just walk/lift weights. That part I have not been doing.
In the end, the goal is to break down the debt and get it paid. I got a great deal on the Quicken Deluxe software - normally $80 and got it for $44 and it is the current copy. So, I start off the year on the right foot - sorting out the financial woes and get healthy financially and physically.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I used a Palm device to sync up transactions. Basically, it was an electronic checkbook, calendar, and note taking device for me. However, when the "smart phone" age appeared, Quicken had issues with syncing transactions. Apple was not willing to open up about how its sync process worked.
Since that time, I have tried going back to just using Quicken on the computer, but I always bomb out at the end. Every reason in the world not to record my transactions or keep the electronic check book balanced.
Now, Quicken has a fix for the sync-ing issue - using the cloud to help maintain your transactions. I figured it was time to give it a go. I have been looking over my 401K and pension plans - basically, trying to figure out how to make more money for retirement. Also, I am on this spending fast and like with a diet, I have fallen off a couple of times. Now, I need to really crack down before it goes out of control.
I have installed the software and it downloaded all of my accounts from my bank. I will still go through all of my accounts and take a monthly look at everything to see how I am doing. My hope is that as my balances go down, so will my weight. Sort of funny how to link finances to my weight, but as I cook more and more at home, I should see more of a reduction in both areas. I won't be going out to eat as much. Also, I should be eating better.
My plan at this time is to get the Quicken app installed on my iPhone - it's free!. This way, I can look over what transactions and see where I am. I really think that this will help me as it had done in the early 2000s. I paid to see my FICO and was astonished at the number. Actually, I was pretty ashamed, so I got off my backside, quit using cards, and used cash to pay for dining out as well as paid off various cards with my bonus money. This year, bonus money is going into a separate account for the pets. This way, I have an amount set aside for their needs and I am not charging all of the time.
At the same time, I am still putting away money as part of the cash jar program. I am also looking to squeeze a little extra money to cover seeing my trainer. I borrowed some money from my savings account to get 6 weeks of 1 hour training sessions. Luckily, I only see my trainer for 30 minutes, so that expands the sessions. Still, my justification for the trainer is that I am seeing positive changes. Also, this is for my health. I need to take time out and go into the gym to take a class or just walk/lift weights. That part I have not been doing.
In the end, the goal is to break down the debt and get it paid. I got a great deal on the Quicken Deluxe software - normally $80 and got it for $44 and it is the current copy. So, I start off the year on the right foot - sorting out the financial woes and get healthy financially and physically.
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