Time to Reboot!

I am not sure if it was the visit to see the kidney specialist on Thursday or looking at myself in a window when I went out for dinner.  The bottom-line was that I needed a huge slap in the face for how much I weighed and looked.  I was embarrassed and more over, my back was still giving me a lot of pain.

From what the kidney specialist could tell, I have damage to my kidneys due to the diabetes/high blood pressure.  However, how can he really tell that from one visit?  My father reminded me that both my cousin and he have a tumor that secretes a hormone in their system that causes them not to be able to keep their blood pressure stable.  

Right now, I know that my urine is pretty much normal, but I still need to take this seriously.  I am more upset with the fact that I have allowed the pain I have to keep me from doing things.  In some cases, it has been a blessing when I really did not want to do certain activities.  However, there are some activities I would like to do without doing them in pain.

I was told that I will have to stop Meloxicam immediately as well as no more Aleeve, Advil, or any NSAID products.  Tylenol or Tramadol will be what I have to take.  Luckily, he did not say anything about the Flexoril.  I do not take those medications but once a day.  I try to manage the pain as best as I can.  With days like today, I think I will have to grab the TENS unit and an ice pack and see if that will provide some pain relief.

I deserved a rude awakening.  I need to get off my butt and be more active.  I am trying to drink more water, so there is a bonus there.  Where I really need to pull up the boot straps is when it comes to meals.  I need to be cooking more and eating out less.  I ended up eating out for lunch and dinner quite a few times this week.  That needs to stop.

My hope is to shed some weight and perhaps, that may help my back pain issues.  My right knee is still doing well, but my left knee is starting to act like the right one did.  So, starting today, I am going to make an effort to be a bit more active. 

When I have gone into work, I check the time or set a timer for 45 minutes.  After the timer goes off, I quickly wrap up whatever I am doing or reach a stopping point, then get up and walk around the office for about 10 to 15 minutes.  This activity helps prevent the stiffness as much.  I think that is the worst part about all of this - the stiffness.  It hurts so bad to just stand up and my body automatically begins to stretch.  Sort of weird, but that is what I do.

Today, I will try to stay home and get some work done around the apartment.  In particular, the kitchen.  I need to rearrange the pantry and toss any expired items.  I usually do that sort of thing every 3-4 months.  It seems that it is time to do it again.

My thoughts are not to look like some super model.  I just want to be able to walk pain free as I had been able to do in 2014 before all of this back pain business started.  I had such a good positive vibe going on while I was losing the weight.  It is unfortunate that I allowed some stupidity of some people to bring me down, but I need to put that in the past and move forward.  Life does not stop, so rather than dwell on all of that, I just need to get up and move.

In an effort to get my life back into some sort of order, I am going back to FitBit.com to start logging exercise, food, water, and sleep.  I unlinked MyFitnessPal from my FitBit account because I wanted to use the FitBit program and not get all caught up with confusing data.  Also, to get started, I selected an easy goal of trying to lose just 5 lbs.  I am not imposing a deadline goal to accomplish this.  I just want to lose 5 lbs - that is it.  Once I reach that 5 lb goal, I will reset for another 5 lb goal.  Small steps and take it day by day.  I have an overall goal of 100 lbs, but rather than overwhelm myself, I am looking at reaching this goal by setting smaller, more achievable goals.  Yes, I will have set backs, but I hope to find help on working those out with my counselor when they happen.  I need to understand why I do certain things and learn to adjust my behavior.

Also, I refuse to say "NO" to anything.  What I mean by that, I do not want to hear "You cannot eat bread anymore" or "No more sodas for you."  Now, while I choose to drink water over soda, that is a decision I make.  I choose to do it because I know it is a better choice for me.  However, sometimes, I may want a soda.  It is up to me to make sure that I do not overindulge.  

I know several people with gastric by-pass or lap band surgery.  Many are successful, but I have also seen the bad side - issues with the surgery, gaining back what they lost, having to take vitamins and so forth because their bodies are no longer getting those nutrients, and stating all of the foods that they can no longer eat.  I know I can lose weight and I am determined to lose it and keep it off.  I truly believe that I can do that without denying myself certain foods and so forth.  I may not eat bread as much, but do not tell me I cannot have it.  That just makes me want to eat it more.  

I know that there is a dark side with losing weight.  There is the depression and so forth.  I believe that is what causes me to start gaining weight again.  I have lost the weight and when life was not what I expected, I was depressed.  I felt really let down and I sought solace in food.  Food was my comfort blanket.  Food never made me feel bad or hurt my feelings. 

I know that this will be a long journey, but after the visit with the kidney specialist and seeing what I looked like, I have to do something.  No one else can do it for me.  I just need to remind myself - take it one day at a time and look for something that brings you joy each day and be grateful.

Still Saddened By David Bowie's Passing...

I cannot even understand it myself.  I talk to other people and they seem to feel the same.  Even though I hardly knew this man or he even knew me, his death feels like a large hole has been opened up in my life.

I tried to reconcile these emotions to the fact that the anniversary of my own mother's passing was not too long ago.  Also, the two of them would have been the same age.  Furthermore, both died of some form of cancer - from what I have read, David suffered from liver cancer. 

Also, my own hormones are in an uproar along with rather high blood sugar readings.  Still, I read so many people posting their memories/pictures/thoughts on David Bowie, then the waterworks start up all over again.

I realize that David Bowie spent some of his final months in the studio to create Blackstar for the fans.  I would like to think that he also worked out all of those emotions regarding death on this record.  I think that is what makes Blackstar extremely special.  From the title song and "Lazarus", both are rather dark song and when you understand this other layer, the fact that he knew his time was near, it adds something very special.

For me, David could have spent that time with his family and so forth while he could.  However, he spent time in the studio getting these "feelings" or songs out in the open.  So, when I think of it like that, it does make me very sad, yet, full of gratitude.

Last night, I pulled out the song "Everyone Says 'Hi'" and simply thought - He is up there and telling us all that.

I feel that many of us felt that David Bowie would never pass away - he would live forever.  However, like Jimmy Stewart was to our parents and grand parents, David Bowie was that person who highlighted your life in every decade, if not every year.

As I sat here last night, I thought about the first time I ever heard "Space Oddity" and I was really young.  David Bowie was one of the cast of characters I grew up with in my life.  No matter how old the song was, I was able to relate to it and felt that he understood.  He shall forever be young and his work will live through all of us forever.

David Bowie's physical presence may no longer be here, but his heart and soul still live.

David Bowie: January 8, 1947 - January 10, 2016

I was lying in bed listening to The Ticket this morning when I heard the sad news.  At first, I thought I heard the radio hosts wrong.  I checked the news on the web and sadly enough, it was true.  David Bowie passed away today.

When it was stated that he died of cancer, I felt the bottom drop.  He had battled for 18 months and I remembered my own mother's 18 month battle.  David was only a year younger than my own mother and that really shocked me.  

As I walked my dogs, I began to reflect upon my love for David Bowie's work.  I remember hearing "Ziggy Stardust" back in the early 70s.  Being notorious for watching all sorts of music shows on late night TV, I remember one show playing one of his entire concerts as he was playing "Ziggy".  I was mesmerized.

Throughout the years, as I was growing up, he would alter his persona - "Fame", "Golden Years", "Young Americans", and many others.  During my high school years, "Ashes to Ashes", "Under Pressure" with Queen, "China Girl"., "Let's Dance", and many others.  

I followed his career, but never once got to see him perform live.  Most of the time, it was because the tickets were sold out before I even got to get one.  

When he released "Day After" album, I knew he was not going to tour.  I had remembered when he had the heart attack during one of his tours.  After that, he scaled back and I accepted that.  He needed to take care of himself.  However, I still held out hope that he might perform on TV on some channel.  I remembered when he performed for the BBC and it was televised.  I want to say he was taking requests and he showed the host the HUGE binder that contained his catalog of lyrics.  He made the comment that he had to have a larger print as he could not see smaller print without glasses.  I could sympathize with that.

Today, the music world lost a true legend.  There is no doubt of that in my mind.  He was part of the soundtrack of my life.  

Rest in Peace, David Bowie!

All Partied Out...

Last night, I went to a "Post Holiday" party.  For whatever reason, my energy level is really, really low.  However, I got cleaned up and dressed to go to the party.  

This is the third time I have attended this party that my friend and his partner have given.  There is always a lot of really great food and very interesting guests.  A few of my co-workers were there as well, so it gave us an opportunity to talk and such.

I got there about 8 PM and grabbed some food.  My co-worker, Yvonne, made her spring rolls.  I LOVE her shrimp spring rolls - seriously!  She makes them with fresh ingredients and they are really yummy.  I also love her peanut sauce.  It is not too sweet or spicy - just perfect.  I was not the only one going on about Yvonne's spring rolls, either.  I try to tell Yvonne she needs to make them more often.  

I think Yvonne felt a lot better about her spring rolls at this party than the last party.  She got really upset when one of the guests tore apart the roll just to get to the shrimp.  I tried to make her feel better by saying that the guest had no manners, but it still upset her.  This time, I do not think she concentrated on that, but was more into having a good conversation with friends.

We gathered in the sitting room and talked about stuff going on around us and at work.  It was really nice to just take a breather.  However, I felt horribly about Arnold as he was spending all of his time in the kitchen.  I will say this, I seriously believe that everyone knew to go into the kitchen first to say "Hello" to him and do most of their talking.  The kitchen was packed with people.  I felt that was really where the party was.

Getting close to 10 PM, someone mentioned that the party was from 7 PM to 10 PM.  One gentleman had chosen a recliner and had already fallen asleep before 10 PM.  Oddly enough, I was beginning to yawn and feel rather tired myself.

My friend, CAT, and I left a little after 10 PM, but not without saying goodbye to Arnold.  By the time CAT dropped me off at my apartment and I got the dogs walked, I was ready for bed.  In fact, since I had not really eaten a whole lot at the party, I was going to run by Whataburger and get something to eat.  While waiting for the dogs to finish eating their dinner and messing about, I fell asleep while sitting at the dining room table.  When I woke up, I announced "I'm going to bed!".  Did not take much for Chloe to get up and follow me to the bedroom - she was ready for bed.  Bo eventually sauntered into the bedroom and wanted up on the bed with everyone.

By the time everyone was in bed, I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.  What is funny is that I only had about 8 oz of coca cola and no alcohol - usually, if I drink, I get that sort of sleepy.  I must have been really exhausted.

So, I figure that this will be the last party for awhile.  I am sure there will be Superbowl parties, but that is not until February.  I am starting to show signs of aging.  I just cannot do those all-nighters like I used to do.  Thank goodness I no longer work like I did for almost 17 years.  I am so tired of pulling those all-nighters.  At this point in my life, my body just does not recover from that as easily as it used to do.  For that, I am very grateful.

Grieving - It Is Never Easy...

Today is the six year anniversary of my mother's passing.  Still, not a single day goes by without thinking of her.  I "talk" to her all of the time, but I would give anything to get that last hug.

I am still grieving over the loss of my mother.  I realize that the grieving process is one that really never ends - it just changes you.  I miss the one person who was always there for me and I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate that.

Life goes on and on and on as stated in "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel.  No matter what the issues are in one's life, everything else around you just continues.  

The way I wish to remember my mom is that she is sitting in a kitchen, drinking coffee or iced tea, laughing and talking with other family members.  I always loved to make her laugh and smile.  I hope she is doing a lot more of that.

I really miss you, mom!

Working on a "Clean Slate"...

For the past few months, the tools I use to manage my financial stuff was pretty much out of whack.  Apparently, Quicken and Chase had some issues and due to that, I had issues downloading my data and making sure everything was reconciling.

Add insult to injury, when the situation was cleared, all of my data was out of whack on the Quicken software side.  I was so frustrated that I had given up and blown away a year's worth of data for a new file.  However, the software would not recognize Chase as my financial institution.  If I was going to have to reinstall the software, I figured I would do it on this year's upgrade.

Luckily, I got 40% for purchasing the upgrade.  I was able to reinstall and get my data up to date.  While I am happy, I am still irritated that Chase and Quicken have issues.  There is no reason why that has to be.

I have not been motivated to do much this weekend.  I think I wore myself out with New Year's Eve and New Year's Day stuff.  I am about to get up and prepare something for lunch, re-rinse a load of laundry, then run the dogs out for a potty walk.  I sat down and made out my plan for the week - for work and home.  

It may be difficult to achieve, but I am going to work on it.  I can tell my monthly exhaustion is starting to drag me down, but I need to be stronger than it.

I think, sometimes, you need to work with a "clean slate".  Just clear all of the cobwebs and such out of your head and refocus - make a decision on what you want to do and how to achieve it. 

One of the things I read over the weekend about making a plan - do not announce what you are going to do unless you do it with a negative slant.  I thought - it made a lot of sense because when you start and you act all proud, one has a tendency not to do it.  So, rather than be all psyched up, go with what I know and do it.  There is no need to tell everyone.  Otherwise, you are setting yourself for some sort of expectation.  One's peers have a tendency to help bring you down.

When I lost about 50 lbs after I found out I had type 2 diabetes, I said all of the right things and did them as well.  When I said something to my friends about it, I had one friend tell me "You know, you have only lost water - now the rest will be harder to do."  Not that it is that person's fault, but that stuck in my head.  I felt like a failure because I was having a harder time to lose the weight.  To compound matters, I finally gave up - it was too hard.

I should have never announced that to anyone.  I was doing great before telling anyone.  I loved the support, but it just took something negative to stick in my head.  This way, I do not prove someone right or wrong.  I need to be selfish and make it about me - not other's opinions.

This last time, when I lost 35 lbs in 2014, people were wanting to know how I was doing it.  Then, I got all of this information on "You need to do this."  "Oh, I cannot do that"  "You should eat more"  "You should not eat bread or drink milk."  

In the end, it was all too much for me.  I ended up gaining that back and it was frustrating.  So, I am clearing the slate - all of that stuff is out of my head.  I am starting again from scratch - financially, emotionally, and physically.  

If you are having trouble in any of those areas - clean the slate!

2016 Theme - Just Relax, Breathe, and Let It Go...

While eating breakfast and sorting out my two planners for this year, I realized something.  I am constantly overwhelming myself and not just learning when enough is enough.  This crazy world today makes us feel lazy if we do not have lists of "to dos" and everything planned by the minute.

I just watched "The Intern" and realized that it is impossible for any of us to live this crazy schedule we make for ourselves.  Sure, we should make goals for us to attain, but make those goals reachable.  No one person can achieve World Peace, but you can achieve your own happiness and peace by doing smaller things.

So, I am not really taking the lazy route.  I simply want to make goals that are achievable, but refuse to overwhelm myself with impossible time lines.  It is not about procrastinating as much as how to prevent procrastination from occurring.  It is easy to push a goal off when one has overwhelmed themselves with lesser important goals.  That is when procrastination takes over and those things you really wanted to accomplish never get done.

So, as I sit here, I am just trying to work on my kitchen and get some perma-press laundry done for today.  The kitchen may take some time for figuring where to put most of my plastic ware.  I need to organize and place these items where they can be easily retrieved.  However, I am starting to like my kitchen a bit more.  

I bought an electric kettle to boil water.  Granted, I have a Keurig, but this kettle was amazing.  I put the water in it and it came to boil just before breakfast was done.  It allowed me to steep my tea while I finished plating breakfast.  Nice, hot water!  If I were to depend on the electric stove, it would have taken forever to boil - this is really cool!

However, I digress.  The point was that everything had a place and putting breakfast together was done with a great deal of ease.  That made me feel good.

I will work harder to stay off of Facebook and spend more quality time with the dogs, reading books, and taking more time to just relax and breathe.  It is important to have these pauses.  Better to stop and reflect before making a mistake.