I was sitting here looking over some posts. Every once in awhile, I wonder what the hell I was thinking by uploading without checking my grammar. Forgive me - this is just very organic.
I saw a post from October with 163 views. It was a post where I mentioned my concern with Chloe's incontinence issue. It makes me sad to re-read that. I was very honest in my concern for her because she was a very good girl about pottying.
After Chloe passed and they took her away, one of the vet techs noticed that she had peed on my shirt. I said - What is a little pee between friends? I hug that damn shirt when I break down in my grief. I miss her so very much.
I try so hard to be strong for Bo. I hug and love on him to let him know that everything will be okay. We may not be okay right now, but we will get there. I know he misses her as much as I do. However, we are back alone together again.
So, I am always curious who is reading these posts. These people rarely comment, but they read the posts. I know of one person that reads my posts and occasionally, that person will comment. However, I know that person is way too busy to be reading all of them or even one 163 times to make me feel better.
Then, again, I enjoy not dealing with nasty comments. So, I thank you for that. It takes a lot to just open up on this sort of forum. I figure most are not that interested and that is okay.
Time for Bo and I to go for a walk. I love my special little guy. I am very glad to have him in my life. I would take him everywhere with me, but right now, it is too stinking cold. I try to let him know how much I love him - I always have loved Bo since the first time I saw him on the Pomeranian rescue site. I am not sure if the rescue still exists, but if it were not for them, I would not have the sweetest, most special little guy. I know I am blessed.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Never Offer Unsoliticted Advice On the Request of Someone Else...
For the most part, I have had a really shitty month. I am still awaiting the test results from the D&C performed on me last week. I get the cramps from time to time. My back still causes me a great deal of pain on the left side. That procedure was done 2 weeks ago. I suppose that the left side was more aggravated than the right side.
Chloe's death hit me like a huge brick wall. Granted, I knew it was coming, but I thought I had more time with her. I suppose that was not in the plan. I miss her so much. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking I heard her yap for water. I raise up to find that she is not there.
Today, the little girls in the neighborhood noticed that Chloe was not with Bo and me on our walk. I had to tell them that she passed away on Saturday. They were shocked and upset. One girl was telling another girl as they walked away about how sweet Chloe was - she was the best dog ever. I cried because she was a wonderful girl and it touched me how beloved she was to these kids. They asked me if there would be a funeral. I might try to set up a small memorial for them. I know that sounds crazy, but they all wanted to see her. Now, that will be a problem. I really do not want to take her box out there and have them begging me to open the box to see inside of it. I would prefer to leave well enough alone. I am in search for a frame that will enclose the paw print and a photo as well as a poster board that has the ribbons across it. I will use the poster board to put various pictures of Chloe from her puppy years to more recent photos. Use that as her memorial tribute.
The unfortunate part was a really shitty incident at work. I went for the yearly holiday party. There, I was approached by someone to discuss me getting a gastric sleeve. I hardly know this person. To make the situation worse, this person was asked to talk to me about getting one by someone else, who I do know, a few years ago.
Lap bands, gastric sleeves, gastric by-passes have all proven to help those people lose weight. However, one must be in the right frame of mind or have worked out all issues that trigger their overeating. Otherwise, what doctors are finding is that people getting the surgery as a quick weight-loss fix are gaining the weight back and then some. I even pointed this out to this person and she refused to believe it. Her response was "You cannot possibly overeat - you would just throw it back up."
So, she has been successful in keeping 90 lbs off her frame for 3 years. Congrats! Another co-worker I know has the lap-band and has been successful keeping off over 130 lbs. However, having worked with him so closely, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was there when he could not enjoy pasta, bread, or meat - it was not a pretty sight. Also, when you get these surgeries, you have to make sure you take the vitamins that your body can no longer absorb.
The other thing I have seen with my friend with the lap-band, he still eats crap. He eats tons of sweets. When he starts gaining weight, he just goes back in for another fill.
The way I see it, most of these surgeries require you to lose 40 lbs before they will operate. My thought - if you can lose 40 lbs, you can lose more on your own. You do not need surgery. You need help determining why you return to bad habits/triggers.
My previous PCP suggested I work with a dietician and a counselor to help with my weight loss. It was obvious that I can lose weight, but I have anxiety issues. Of course, this person with the gastric sleeve asks me what medication I am on for it. I am working it out without chemicals - maybe that might help her lose the other 20 lbs she wants to lose?!
I am appalled by both individuals. The one with the gastric sleeve - I want to ask what triggered her to say anything at all to me if she was asked to have this talk with me a few years ago? I mean, it was not like I built up a this huge plate of food and went back for seconds, thirds, and so forth. I can only assume because I mentioned medical issues. Had she listened to what I told people, I have a degenerative disc. The problem came about when I had lost 35 lbs.
The other individual - well, I only chalk that up to that person's poor manners. Same person was giving me some grief about not being in the office. My boss knows I am working from home and that is the only person that matters. If this person was so concerned for my health, how about getting to know me better than sitting in the office and giving the excuse that you are too busy.
You know, one should not offer unsolicited advice to people you do not know or even know just a little. It is rude. You have no clue what that person is experiencing or even their past. To even suggest an operation that helped one person, that may not work for another.
Chloe's death hit me like a huge brick wall. Granted, I knew it was coming, but I thought I had more time with her. I suppose that was not in the plan. I miss her so much. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking I heard her yap for water. I raise up to find that she is not there.
Today, the little girls in the neighborhood noticed that Chloe was not with Bo and me on our walk. I had to tell them that she passed away on Saturday. They were shocked and upset. One girl was telling another girl as they walked away about how sweet Chloe was - she was the best dog ever. I cried because she was a wonderful girl and it touched me how beloved she was to these kids. They asked me if there would be a funeral. I might try to set up a small memorial for them. I know that sounds crazy, but they all wanted to see her. Now, that will be a problem. I really do not want to take her box out there and have them begging me to open the box to see inside of it. I would prefer to leave well enough alone. I am in search for a frame that will enclose the paw print and a photo as well as a poster board that has the ribbons across it. I will use the poster board to put various pictures of Chloe from her puppy years to more recent photos. Use that as her memorial tribute.
The unfortunate part was a really shitty incident at work. I went for the yearly holiday party. There, I was approached by someone to discuss me getting a gastric sleeve. I hardly know this person. To make the situation worse, this person was asked to talk to me about getting one by someone else, who I do know, a few years ago.
Lap bands, gastric sleeves, gastric by-passes have all proven to help those people lose weight. However, one must be in the right frame of mind or have worked out all issues that trigger their overeating. Otherwise, what doctors are finding is that people getting the surgery as a quick weight-loss fix are gaining the weight back and then some. I even pointed this out to this person and she refused to believe it. Her response was "You cannot possibly overeat - you would just throw it back up."
So, she has been successful in keeping 90 lbs off her frame for 3 years. Congrats! Another co-worker I know has the lap-band and has been successful keeping off over 130 lbs. However, having worked with him so closely, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was there when he could not enjoy pasta, bread, or meat - it was not a pretty sight. Also, when you get these surgeries, you have to make sure you take the vitamins that your body can no longer absorb.
The other thing I have seen with my friend with the lap-band, he still eats crap. He eats tons of sweets. When he starts gaining weight, he just goes back in for another fill.
The way I see it, most of these surgeries require you to lose 40 lbs before they will operate. My thought - if you can lose 40 lbs, you can lose more on your own. You do not need surgery. You need help determining why you return to bad habits/triggers.
My previous PCP suggested I work with a dietician and a counselor to help with my weight loss. It was obvious that I can lose weight, but I have anxiety issues. Of course, this person with the gastric sleeve asks me what medication I am on for it. I am working it out without chemicals - maybe that might help her lose the other 20 lbs she wants to lose?!
I am appalled by both individuals. The one with the gastric sleeve - I want to ask what triggered her to say anything at all to me if she was asked to have this talk with me a few years ago? I mean, it was not like I built up a this huge plate of food and went back for seconds, thirds, and so forth. I can only assume because I mentioned medical issues. Had she listened to what I told people, I have a degenerative disc. The problem came about when I had lost 35 lbs.
The other individual - well, I only chalk that up to that person's poor manners. Same person was giving me some grief about not being in the office. My boss knows I am working from home and that is the only person that matters. If this person was so concerned for my health, how about getting to know me better than sitting in the office and giving the excuse that you are too busy.
You know, one should not offer unsolicited advice to people you do not know or even know just a little. It is rude. You have no clue what that person is experiencing or even their past. To even suggest an operation that helped one person, that may not work for another.
Monday, December 12, 2016
My Chloe: November 9, 2000 - December 10, 2016
Saturday, December 10, 2016 at 10:30 PM, Chloe left me to join my mother in heaven. I know my mom was waiting for her and I am sure she showered Chloe with lots of love. All week, she had showed signs of having trouble standing up, but I thought it was due to the arthritis. I had given her a shot to help ease the pain on Thursday. Unfortuately, that Friday, her back legs just gave out on her.
By Saturday, she was even worse, but continued to show a strong front to me by always trying to sit up. God bless her - she simply did not have the strength and my gut was telling me this was it. However, my heart kept pleading with God that it would just be that she was weak and needed more food or something.
She still ate and drank, but she would not eat a lot of dog food - she wanted people food. Saturday afternoon, I made boiled chicken breasts and she gobbled that down with zeal. That was where I had a poor perception - I thought this was a good sign.
I went to lie down by her on my bed for an hour and my gut kept telling me that I needed to take her to the vet. I finally obeyed what my gut was telling me, so I gathered her into her soft pink baby blanket to keep her warm. It was cold outside and I did not want her shivering. I got Bo and we all went for that last potty walk.
We got her to the vet's office and they immediately took her to ICU. She got hooked up to an IV and was put into an oxygen tank. Her breathing was labored. The doctor said that she was not in any pain, but she was breathing really heavy. He said that she seemed like a fighter, so he thought it would be a good idea to keep her overnight and see if her situation would improve. I wanted to take Laurie back home, then come back and stay with Chloe. Bo would be with me as well.
Before I left, Chloe tried to show me what a real trooper she was. She tried to sit up for me and I told her - Please, sweetie - save your strength. I need you to fight for me - I need you to get better and come home. You cannot leave me just yet.
When we got there, she was pretty much gone, but she did look me in the eye for a bit. I told her it was okay. She no longer needed to be strong. It was time to take a nap and get her strength to see momma. I said that momma was coming to get her and she would be so happy to have her precious girl with her.
After that, the doctor came in and gave her the shot and I held her the entire time. I felt her take her last breath and lost it. My precious sweetie was now gone. I felt like all kinds of hell. I felt I had let her down through the past few weeks with my own issues. I had planned out this was going to go down and this was not the way it was supposed to be. I had wanted her vet to come to the apartment and I hold her, so that she would not be scared or at the vet's office. Of course, God forbid that her passing would happen that way - no, it had to be at the vet's office with another vet, and I am sure she was scared. I was angry with how that part went down. It was not fair because she deserved so much better. The only person I blame is myself.
Bo licked her face after she passed. When we finally got home, he walked around the apartment with his tail down. I hugged and petted him. I told him I missed her as much as he did.
I loved both dogs. Chloe was my mother's dog. Her passing closes the chapter in my life regarding my mother. I always found comfort with Chloe because she was a part of my mom's life. Now, that is gone.
Chloe is very special to me in other ways than my mom. You see, after the experience with BJ, where he never quite liked me until towards the end of his life, Chloe loved me from the start. I was her "sissy" and human playmate. I would get on the floor with her and play tug of war until her heart's content. I cared for her when my mom was not feeling well. When I moved out of the house, she would wait for me to return on Friday nights. She missed her "sissy."
When my parents would come to visit me, she knew the exact apartment, even though she had never been there. Once she was there and got her love from me, she was ready for "all" of us to leave. She never liked it when I did not go with them.
The one time I know she was really angry with me was when I adopted Bo and brought him over to the house. She was not a happy dog. However, over the years, the two of them bonded, especially over the time my mother was dying. Towards the end of her life, I would find her cuddled up next to Bo in my bed.
Everyone tells me what a good mom I was to Chloe and she could not have asked for better. I beg to differ. Upon reflection, she deserved to be in a house where she had a backyard. It would have been better than being on a leash and having to be walked.
Chloe deserved so much more than I could really give her. However, my greatest joy and my reason for my torn heart, she loved me so much. Even though she was my mom's dog, she was always "Daddy's girl". I thought she would always be that, but I won her heart by always being there for her. After awhile, she no longer cared if my dad left. She was more worried about losing me.
Chloe showed me that I could be loved - I was not an odd-ball. Bo loves me as well, but I think it took having Chloe in my life to teach me the right way to go about being loved by a dog. Dogs are loving and trusting souls, but they also sense bad people. I told people that if someone's dog ever attacked Bo or Chloe, I would have no fear of protecting them, even if it meant me harming the other dog. Even today, as I write this, I would kill the other dog, animal, or person for harming either Bo or Chloe.
Chloe was not just my pet, she was my sweetheart, buddy, and most precious. I feel the exact same for Bo. However, Chloe was the first to help me open my heart after Stormy's death. I thank God that I have Bo during this time. I feel sad that right now, I have no plans to get another dog. I need the time to recover financially and taking on another dog right now does not make much sense.
Last night, Bo and I sat on the balcony looking at the night sky. I can only hope that Chloe and my mother are reunited. I hope that Chloe is letting my mom know that sissy did a good job and how much she loved me. This is my way to telling Chloe one last time how so very much I love her...and always will.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
When You Think About It...
Yesterday, I read someone's comment to a post regarding the "Gilmore Girls" - something to the effect of "I was too busy being pregnant and raising children to watch that show." It reminded me of this comedy routine from two women making the comment that pregnant women are too smug. Truth is - they are right.
As of late, I read so many women my age going on about raising children and the sacrifices that they made. Because of that, they feel entitled to certain things. You know, I look at this from a different point of view - that of the single, childless female worker.
No matter what order, the decisions to have a child and get married are made by you. No one told you that you had to do them - it was a choice that you made. However, those of us that do not make that choice are looked down upon and expected to give up their vacations during the holidays in order for you to fulfill your plans because you have a family. I mean, how much more blatant could that whole scenario be explained as well as in the movie While You Were Sleeping. Sandra Bullock's character is single and childless, but her co-workers expected her to give up all of her holidays for them to spend with their families.
While I realize that those times are very special in the "family" dynamic, I think those same people need to realize that you cannot consistently call upon your single, childless co-workers to work every holiday season. Allow those people opportunities to spend time with their parents or families. Not every single, childless person is an "orphan" - some do have their parents and other family members that they would like to see during the holidays.
It really makes me sad when people use their life choices as excuses for why they do not like something. You know what, you do not like it - I don't need your excuse. That is almost as bad as listening to a friend go on about how much she does not like cornbread. Or the nasty look she gives when something does not appeal to her and she expects her company to feel the same. Just to piss people like that off, I go for it. You did not want dessert or even that type of dessert, hey, more for me - bring it!
This life is just too fucking short for that sort of behavior. Someone does not like "Gilmore Girls", then turn off the TV and walk away - don't post about it or anything like that because it is just stupid and makes that person look like a pompous ass.
I feel a lot of my irritability towards this behavior is because of the election. Never more than this election have I felt that I had to be conform myself into some damn box. I am a fucking human being and I have my opinions and thoughts. They may not agree with you, but rather than just agreeing to disagree and remain friends, I have to deal with smug, snotty attitudes on both sides. Seriously - this world has bigger issues - get the fuck over it. As for having children and raising them, that was a choice you made and good for you for making an effort to do a good job. However, do not hold that over my head as if you are better than me. You made a choice and I made a choice. Neither are better than the other, so there is no sense in trying to make that choice look like one is better than the other. It is not an opportunity to use as an excuse - you made a choice - that is it.
People scream for equality all day, every day. How can you have equality when among ourselves, we put ourselves above one another for one thing or another? That has to stop in order to make sure we are all equal. Otherwise, it just continues.
So, the next time someone uses the excuse that they decided to have a family and so forth, I plan on making sure that I let them know - "Hey! That was your choice - just be honest with yourself - it was not an interest of yours and live with it."
As of late, I read so many women my age going on about raising children and the sacrifices that they made. Because of that, they feel entitled to certain things. You know, I look at this from a different point of view - that of the single, childless female worker.
No matter what order, the decisions to have a child and get married are made by you. No one told you that you had to do them - it was a choice that you made. However, those of us that do not make that choice are looked down upon and expected to give up their vacations during the holidays in order for you to fulfill your plans because you have a family. I mean, how much more blatant could that whole scenario be explained as well as in the movie While You Were Sleeping. Sandra Bullock's character is single and childless, but her co-workers expected her to give up all of her holidays for them to spend with their families.
While I realize that those times are very special in the "family" dynamic, I think those same people need to realize that you cannot consistently call upon your single, childless co-workers to work every holiday season. Allow those people opportunities to spend time with their parents or families. Not every single, childless person is an "orphan" - some do have their parents and other family members that they would like to see during the holidays.
It really makes me sad when people use their life choices as excuses for why they do not like something. You know what, you do not like it - I don't need your excuse. That is almost as bad as listening to a friend go on about how much she does not like cornbread. Or the nasty look she gives when something does not appeal to her and she expects her company to feel the same. Just to piss people like that off, I go for it. You did not want dessert or even that type of dessert, hey, more for me - bring it!
This life is just too fucking short for that sort of behavior. Someone does not like "Gilmore Girls", then turn off the TV and walk away - don't post about it or anything like that because it is just stupid and makes that person look like a pompous ass.
I feel a lot of my irritability towards this behavior is because of the election. Never more than this election have I felt that I had to be conform myself into some damn box. I am a fucking human being and I have my opinions and thoughts. They may not agree with you, but rather than just agreeing to disagree and remain friends, I have to deal with smug, snotty attitudes on both sides. Seriously - this world has bigger issues - get the fuck over it. As for having children and raising them, that was a choice you made and good for you for making an effort to do a good job. However, do not hold that over my head as if you are better than me. You made a choice and I made a choice. Neither are better than the other, so there is no sense in trying to make that choice look like one is better than the other. It is not an opportunity to use as an excuse - you made a choice - that is it.
People scream for equality all day, every day. How can you have equality when among ourselves, we put ourselves above one another for one thing or another? That has to stop in order to make sure we are all equal. Otherwise, it just continues.
So, the next time someone uses the excuse that they decided to have a family and so forth, I plan on making sure that I let them know - "Hey! That was your choice - just be honest with yourself - it was not an interest of yours and live with it."
Friday, November 25, 2016
When Giving "Thanks" Turns into Tears...
Yesterday, I had to take Chloe back to I-20 for a recheck. This time, she would get a sonogram and x-rays done. Overall, Chloe had started back to eating, but she had a small incident with diarrhea. Chloe's vet came back into the room alone and gave me the bad news. There appears to be a large lesion on Chloe's liver. I was stunned and yet, I am not sure why. Maybe because I had always hoped that Chloe would simply go to sleep one night and not wake up. I could bear that. I would not like it, but it would be easier to make sense and I would avoid the heartache of making that huge decision.
I suppose that is why my mother wanted me to care for Chloe after she passed away. She figured I could handle the hardest of decisions. Honestly, none of us can handle those decisions, especially with those closest to us. Chloe has been a large part of my life for a long time. Nothing makes me feel more loved than to be sleeping in bed and feel her little body pressed against mine.
Trying to celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday was not easy. I kept crying like a big baby, but I tried to keep positive. I have months and maybe even years depending on how things go. She is and always be the sweetest of girls and carries my heart. She reminds me that I can love and be loved. I love her to the very core because she was just so very special. When she passes away, that chapter of my life regarding my mother will be closed.
So, for the time I have with Chloe, I will work hard to make her comfortable and happy. She deserves all of the good stuff life has to offer - chicken with rice and cupcakes.
I tell Bo that he will have to be prepared for his mamma to lose it because I will when she passes away. I am so very thankful to have Chloe in my life and I will be so very sad when she takes off to be with my mom. I know Chloe's vet was trying to ease the pain by telling me that I did a good job taking good care of her. However, I am grateful for Chloe's vet in that she told me that we needed to just make her comfortable and dissuaded me from any thoughts that would make life more painful for her, which is not what I want.
Right now, I have spent the day breaking down in tears grieving a bit over the news, then worrying over my own issues. Just praying to be strong enough to handle everything.
I suppose that is why my mother wanted me to care for Chloe after she passed away. She figured I could handle the hardest of decisions. Honestly, none of us can handle those decisions, especially with those closest to us. Chloe has been a large part of my life for a long time. Nothing makes me feel more loved than to be sleeping in bed and feel her little body pressed against mine.
Trying to celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday was not easy. I kept crying like a big baby, but I tried to keep positive. I have months and maybe even years depending on how things go. She is and always be the sweetest of girls and carries my heart. She reminds me that I can love and be loved. I love her to the very core because she was just so very special. When she passes away, that chapter of my life regarding my mother will be closed.
So, for the time I have with Chloe, I will work hard to make her comfortable and happy. She deserves all of the good stuff life has to offer - chicken with rice and cupcakes.
I tell Bo that he will have to be prepared for his mamma to lose it because I will when she passes away. I am so very thankful to have Chloe in my life and I will be so very sad when she takes off to be with my mom. I know Chloe's vet was trying to ease the pain by telling me that I did a good job taking good care of her. However, I am grateful for Chloe's vet in that she told me that we needed to just make her comfortable and dissuaded me from any thoughts that would make life more painful for her, which is not what I want.
Right now, I have spent the day breaking down in tears grieving a bit over the news, then worrying over my own issues. Just praying to be strong enough to handle everything.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Scary Times Ahead...
I try not to worry and allow life to run its course, but unfortunately, my mind just won't let me. This past week, I was completely stressed out over getting my first set of injections done for my right side of my back. Mainly because I was worried about my potassium levels. I got the same nurse who had issues putting the IV in my vein under my wrist last time. So, that did not put much strength into my faith that all would be okay.
The nurse did get the IV into a vein on top of my left hand. However, when she drew blood for labs, the machine returned that my potassium level was 7. I hit the roof mentally. I need this to work! I have to get this done and I need to get it done now - not next year when I have to pay more money to have it done.
So, this nurse decides to rerun the labs by drawing more blood. She tries every port in the IV, but nothing comes out. However, I am bleeding like a stuck pig all over the place. I nearly lost it. She decides to try to pull blood from my right arm. She needs the vein finder to do it. She gets in the skin and starts mucking about with the needle. It hurt like hell and she finally gave up when there was no blood to be taken. She went to get another nurse. That nurse finds a good vein, gets the needle in, and is able to pull enough blood to show that my potassium level was 5.1, which is the high end of normal, but I am able to get in there and get the shots done.
The only person I felt even remotely comfortable with this time around was the anesthesiologist. God bless him - I am not sure what I would have done if he had not been there. He put me at ease and talked me down from where I was mentally. I was able to get the shots I needed in my back, but I so did not need that hell.
As to how I am doing with my back, well, I still have a lot of pain, but I feel it pulling mainly on the left side. The injections hurt a lot, so this second time, I will make sure to use plenty of ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day, I went to see my OB-GYN. I watched a video on how a D&C is performed. Next, I signed some paperwork and the doctor came to talk to me. I discussed with her about my high potassium levels and explained that I could not take Motrin due to my kidneys. She looked at me and said "You just cannot catch a break, can you?" That was when I broke down and cried. I said that my mother's cancer issues started with her having cervical cancer in 1980, then she had vulvular cancer in 1998, and the rest of the history. I cried and said I was so scared because I have no idea what is going on inside of me.
She held my hand and reassured me that we were going to make this okay. I laughed and said, I am praying that my body is just being a weirdo, as usual. I told her how I thought I had PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome) - I had never been regular with my periods, overweight all my life, and the dark hair around and under my chin area that I have to shave. She told me that she would call me with the results - good or bad - I would not hear anything from a nurse - period. Next, she had the idea that while I was out and she was performing the D&C, she would insert a Meridia IUD - the thought is that everything will be okay - just that my lining is thick and needs to be scraped out. The IUD would release progesterone to help the lining properly slough off in layers, rather than gobs.
I have to go to the hospital tomorrow to have more blood work drawn up in preparation for the procedure to take place next Wednesday.
Next, I have issues with Chloe and her constant diarrhea. I took her to the vet to get her checked. She got a couple of shots and the vet adjusted her medication. Chloe came home and just would not take any meds - period. She would not even eat her soft food. It has been hell the past several days with her. She is finally getting around to eating her soft food as long as I heat it up a bit in the microwave. Tomorrow, I am going to poach some chicken and cook some rice for Bo and her to eat. I think both dogs would benefit from having a bland diet.
I have a grooming appointment set up for both dogs, but I am scared to send Chloe. She really needs the grooming badly and I cannot do it due to my back. I have a difficult enough time just bending over to clean up the poop on both dogs, then carry Chloe back up the stairs. I feel awful, but I just cannot do as much still.
While none of this is Chloe's fault, I am so down trodden over everything. It is almost like when I was caring for my mother while she was dying. I am trying whatever I can do to try to save Chloe and myself. It just feels like it is never enough. In the meantime, everything else around me is spinning so fast out of control. I scream for it all to stop and give me a break, but it is just not happening.
I ask the rhetorical question - Why? However, is there ever any "right" time for anything? What is the lesson to be learned here? I just do not get it and I feel completely lost.
I know my hormones have been out of whack. Maybe it is something someone will notice other than myself. However, no matter how hard I try to "give it to God", my mind races around with "What ifs". I just wish I had someone to just hold my hand and tell me it will be okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be scared. You will not be alone.
...It is hard being strong and alone...I know that is my fate in this life, but I do not have to admire or like it.
The nurse did get the IV into a vein on top of my left hand. However, when she drew blood for labs, the machine returned that my potassium level was 7. I hit the roof mentally. I need this to work! I have to get this done and I need to get it done now - not next year when I have to pay more money to have it done.
So, this nurse decides to rerun the labs by drawing more blood. She tries every port in the IV, but nothing comes out. However, I am bleeding like a stuck pig all over the place. I nearly lost it. She decides to try to pull blood from my right arm. She needs the vein finder to do it. She gets in the skin and starts mucking about with the needle. It hurt like hell and she finally gave up when there was no blood to be taken. She went to get another nurse. That nurse finds a good vein, gets the needle in, and is able to pull enough blood to show that my potassium level was 5.1, which is the high end of normal, but I am able to get in there and get the shots done.
The only person I felt even remotely comfortable with this time around was the anesthesiologist. God bless him - I am not sure what I would have done if he had not been there. He put me at ease and talked me down from where I was mentally. I was able to get the shots I needed in my back, but I so did not need that hell.
As to how I am doing with my back, well, I still have a lot of pain, but I feel it pulling mainly on the left side. The injections hurt a lot, so this second time, I will make sure to use plenty of ice packs to help with the swelling.
The next day, I went to see my OB-GYN. I watched a video on how a D&C is performed. Next, I signed some paperwork and the doctor came to talk to me. I discussed with her about my high potassium levels and explained that I could not take Motrin due to my kidneys. She looked at me and said "You just cannot catch a break, can you?" That was when I broke down and cried. I said that my mother's cancer issues started with her having cervical cancer in 1980, then she had vulvular cancer in 1998, and the rest of the history. I cried and said I was so scared because I have no idea what is going on inside of me.
She held my hand and reassured me that we were going to make this okay. I laughed and said, I am praying that my body is just being a weirdo, as usual. I told her how I thought I had PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome) - I had never been regular with my periods, overweight all my life, and the dark hair around and under my chin area that I have to shave. She told me that she would call me with the results - good or bad - I would not hear anything from a nurse - period. Next, she had the idea that while I was out and she was performing the D&C, she would insert a Meridia IUD - the thought is that everything will be okay - just that my lining is thick and needs to be scraped out. The IUD would release progesterone to help the lining properly slough off in layers, rather than gobs.
I have to go to the hospital tomorrow to have more blood work drawn up in preparation for the procedure to take place next Wednesday.
Next, I have issues with Chloe and her constant diarrhea. I took her to the vet to get her checked. She got a couple of shots and the vet adjusted her medication. Chloe came home and just would not take any meds - period. She would not even eat her soft food. It has been hell the past several days with her. She is finally getting around to eating her soft food as long as I heat it up a bit in the microwave. Tomorrow, I am going to poach some chicken and cook some rice for Bo and her to eat. I think both dogs would benefit from having a bland diet.
I have a grooming appointment set up for both dogs, but I am scared to send Chloe. She really needs the grooming badly and I cannot do it due to my back. I have a difficult enough time just bending over to clean up the poop on both dogs, then carry Chloe back up the stairs. I feel awful, but I just cannot do as much still.
While none of this is Chloe's fault, I am so down trodden over everything. It is almost like when I was caring for my mother while she was dying. I am trying whatever I can do to try to save Chloe and myself. It just feels like it is never enough. In the meantime, everything else around me is spinning so fast out of control. I scream for it all to stop and give me a break, but it is just not happening.
I ask the rhetorical question - Why? However, is there ever any "right" time for anything? What is the lesson to be learned here? I just do not get it and I feel completely lost.
I know my hormones have been out of whack. Maybe it is something someone will notice other than myself. However, no matter how hard I try to "give it to God", my mind races around with "What ifs". I just wish I had someone to just hold my hand and tell me it will be okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be scared. You will not be alone.
...It is hard being strong and alone...I know that is my fate in this life, but I do not have to admire or like it.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Where Am I Now - Health-wise?
Past few weeks have been crazy. I finally made it to get my ultrasound on my uterus. The uterus and ovaries look great, but I have a thick lining in my uterus. Make matters worse, what is there is in globs and not layers. So, I am scheduled for a D&C to clear that out and test for cancer.
My mother's cancer woes began with her reproductive organs. Her cervix had cancer, so they froze the cells off in 1980 - she was cancer free after that. Next, she had vulvular cancer in 1998. Nutshell, the outside was scooped out, but she was cancer free. In 2000, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a resection done and endured 9 months of chemotherapy. In July 2008, she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and lost her battle in January 2010.
So, as you can expect, I am worried and anxious. As I explained to my counselor today, I do not want to go down as my own mother did. It is not what she would want for me - I know that. I remember her telling me that if she had to do it all over, I would not be here because of the pain she has had to endure with cancer. She never wanted that for me and it upset her so much to know that it was something that would linger over my head.
My prayers are that I am worrying over nothing. Otherwise, I pray that it is caught early enough. Just another thing to preoccupy my spare time, I suppose.
The other day, I received a bill from a lab. I was not sure why I was getting a bill since I have reached my maximum out of pocket deductible. I found I was being charged for a drug test that my back specialist ordered when I was taking hydrocodone. The lab was not "in-network", so they wanted $3600.
I am fighting it. The doctor's office stated that they contracted the lab for the patient's convenience. Well, getting a $3600 bill is NOT convenient at all. In fact, I consider it a scam. The doctor is "in-network" and any lab work should have been done by an "in-network" lab. If anything, next time someone wants labwork, I will be more than happy to drive my happy ass over to Lab Corp, as I do for my nephrologist, to get any lab work done. This is just insane!
On Monday, I am scheduled to have my right side of nerve blockers injected in my back. I hope this works. I want so badly to be able to walk normally again.
I am working on easing myself off Facebook since the election. People are so ugly - friends are ending friendships over who they elected. Come on - it is easy enough to disagree. I think I am just sick of having everyone who is upset that Clinton did not win the election cramming it down my throat that this country is racist and such. I refuse to believe that entire nation is racist - yes, we have our minorities, just like any other country on this planet. I wish these people could visit other areas of the world to be truly educated in how customs are. There is a huge degree of racism and discrimination in the world. We need to strive to be better, but this country is just like any other country in the world. It is true.
I am also bothered by the media going on about how the Trump voters were primarily non-college educated voters. I swear, we spend too much damn time labeling people when they could discuss by region - the urban voters vs the rural voters. How difficult is that? With all of the graphics that were shown, you could see that and it made sense - your everyday, hard-working farmers and so forth were making their voices heard. Many of them either went to college or have a college degree. I cannot stand the media. I was sort of glad that their polls were off, yet, again. I would be happier if people would tell them to STFU and not tell them who they voted for - then again, maybe many of them lied for that purpose.
It is sad when people are shamed for who they voted. It is their right to vote for whoever they wanted to vote. If you do not like it, accept the difference and respect one another. Good grief - you would thought the whole process was a WWE special.
Sorry for the rant - I just hate reading all of the negative crap. Yes, yes, you have your right as an American, but hey, at some point, you have to learn to let it go. You cannot keep dragging it up every single minute of the day. The election is over - life is important - focus.
With that, maybe I can find solace in the simple things while the rest of the world wants to wallow. You see, I have a lot of scary things going on and I will be damned if I am going to let this election worry me. Life goes on and I need to tend to me.
My mother's cancer woes began with her reproductive organs. Her cervix had cancer, so they froze the cells off in 1980 - she was cancer free after that. Next, she had vulvular cancer in 1998. Nutshell, the outside was scooped out, but she was cancer free. In 2000, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a resection done and endured 9 months of chemotherapy. In July 2008, she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and lost her battle in January 2010.
So, as you can expect, I am worried and anxious. As I explained to my counselor today, I do not want to go down as my own mother did. It is not what she would want for me - I know that. I remember her telling me that if she had to do it all over, I would not be here because of the pain she has had to endure with cancer. She never wanted that for me and it upset her so much to know that it was something that would linger over my head.
My prayers are that I am worrying over nothing. Otherwise, I pray that it is caught early enough. Just another thing to preoccupy my spare time, I suppose.
The other day, I received a bill from a lab. I was not sure why I was getting a bill since I have reached my maximum out of pocket deductible. I found I was being charged for a drug test that my back specialist ordered when I was taking hydrocodone. The lab was not "in-network", so they wanted $3600.
I am fighting it. The doctor's office stated that they contracted the lab for the patient's convenience. Well, getting a $3600 bill is NOT convenient at all. In fact, I consider it a scam. The doctor is "in-network" and any lab work should have been done by an "in-network" lab. If anything, next time someone wants labwork, I will be more than happy to drive my happy ass over to Lab Corp, as I do for my nephrologist, to get any lab work done. This is just insane!
On Monday, I am scheduled to have my right side of nerve blockers injected in my back. I hope this works. I want so badly to be able to walk normally again.
I am working on easing myself off Facebook since the election. People are so ugly - friends are ending friendships over who they elected. Come on - it is easy enough to disagree. I think I am just sick of having everyone who is upset that Clinton did not win the election cramming it down my throat that this country is racist and such. I refuse to believe that entire nation is racist - yes, we have our minorities, just like any other country on this planet. I wish these people could visit other areas of the world to be truly educated in how customs are. There is a huge degree of racism and discrimination in the world. We need to strive to be better, but this country is just like any other country in the world. It is true.
I am also bothered by the media going on about how the Trump voters were primarily non-college educated voters. I swear, we spend too much damn time labeling people when they could discuss by region - the urban voters vs the rural voters. How difficult is that? With all of the graphics that were shown, you could see that and it made sense - your everyday, hard-working farmers and so forth were making their voices heard. Many of them either went to college or have a college degree. I cannot stand the media. I was sort of glad that their polls were off, yet, again. I would be happier if people would tell them to STFU and not tell them who they voted for - then again, maybe many of them lied for that purpose.
It is sad when people are shamed for who they voted. It is their right to vote for whoever they wanted to vote. If you do not like it, accept the difference and respect one another. Good grief - you would thought the whole process was a WWE special.
Sorry for the rant - I just hate reading all of the negative crap. Yes, yes, you have your right as an American, but hey, at some point, you have to learn to let it go. You cannot keep dragging it up every single minute of the day. The election is over - life is important - focus.
With that, maybe I can find solace in the simple things while the rest of the world wants to wallow. You see, I have a lot of scary things going on and I will be damned if I am going to let this election worry me. Life goes on and I need to tend to me.
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