Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hitting New Lows (the good kind!)...

It has taken 2 months, but I have two days under my belt where my blood sugar has been under 150.  I have been trying SO hard to make the right choices.  Even when I did not make good choices, I would brush off and get right back on that horse to keep at the goal.  However, my job is not finished - it will never be finished because I need to make sure it stays that way.

My next stage in this journey is going to be a bit more difficult.  I need to drop more weight.  So far, I have lost about 10 lbs.  I am happy about that - it shows progress.  However, being a good 100+ lbs overweight for most of my life, there is a problem.  I know I did not get here overnight, therefore, I cannot lose it overnight, either.  I have to maintain determination to get both the blood sugar and the weight under control.  My worry is that maybe I fail at the weight loss because I am afraid.

I know - what am I afraid of?  Maybe I am afraid of drawing attention to myself.  Of course, that makes no sense to me - I draw attention to myself being this heavy.  Perhaps, I am afraid that I won't like what I become physically.  I need to quit thinking about this and just focus on keeping the blood sugar down along with getting the weight off.

I remember losing weight when I was 12 years old.  I lost 52 lbs just by cutting calories and exercising.  I remember that point in time very well.  I had just moved to Texas, new people, "tween" time, and the first friend I made was no longer my friend.  It was a very dark period for me. 

A new doctor put me on a 1200 calorie diet and I had to take P.E. for school.  I could not run as fast as the other kids.  I tried, but a lot of the time, my legs would cramp up, thus forcing me to run even slower.  Still, I tried.  I took the abuse from classmates for being slow.  It made me sad and worthless. 

That Christmas, I had lost some weight and my parents got me the precision skates I had dreamed of having since I had started skating when I was 7 years old.  Roller skating was one thing I was really good at doing.  I would go skating Friday night, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon.  I would skate and talk with people.  When I was thirsty, I would get water from the water fountain or get a diet drink from the counter. 

The weight continue to drop off of my frame.  Popular girls would not talk with me or they would ignore me, but as I kept dropping weight, I would get a few compliments, but not many.

The turning point was during P.E.  My class ran a race against the girls basketball team.  It was inside due to the rain, so the instructors set up a relay race inside the gym.  Something unusual happened.  I had to run against one of the basketball girls, I actually caught up to her.  I heard one girl say "She is the fastest fat girl I have seen."  I was proud.  Life began to brighten up and I got some respect.  Seems silly now, but it was such a difficult time to endure.

The following year, I basically maintained the weight, but soon after, the weight came back with a vengence.

The last time I lost 100 lbs, I was on weight loss medicines and doing a low fat diet.  My gall bladder was gone at this point.  Every night, I would walk 4 miles before going to bed.  During my lunch hour, I would walk 2.5 miles, then eat lunch at my desk while taking phone calls.  Again, I was still overweight, but I felt so accomplished.  Then, I made the fatal mistake - I fell for some guy on an on-line dating site.  We were to meet and he stood me up.  His explanation - I was fat and he did not date fat girls.  I started the rock bottoming.

So, here I am - trying again.  Maybe the difference here is that I am doing it for my health.  I have to keep my blood sugar regulated.  Otherwise, I risk damage to my health.  I fear what may cause me to fail, but I have to be brave and learn how to deal with that adversary in a health manner.  I cannot give up.