Making the Mini-Goals...

Yesterday, I got on the scale and I finally passed my mini-goal of 286.2 lbs.  I weighed 285.7 lbs.

Boy, did I feel great, but I was exhausted from having stayed up so late with work stuff.  I ended up getting in a few naps and taking a break from the FitBit.  I still made it a point to keep my calorie count between 1500 - 1600 calories.  The night before, I made the decision to eat Tex-Mex and cut most of the food items to be eaten in half.  I ate half the meal Saturday and the other half on Sunday afternoon.  I am not sure if it was my feeling guilty or being down in the dumps with worry over Chloe, but I felt rather sick to my stomach while eating.  I had a really full feeling in my stomach both times, so I would like to think it is because my stomach is shrinking. 

I make it a point to try to drink a gallon of water each day.  Right now, I am trying to get my first 32 oz down and get another 32 oz down during the mid-morning.  I find that the water does help with the "full" feeling.  Also, water is a natural flush and keeps me hydrated.  I hope that the next time I see the doctor on 2/27, getting blood from me will be a breeze.  Most of the time, I was too dehydrated and it was a pain.

This morning, I decided that breakfast would be trying chicken sausage patties.  The calorie content was the same as the turkey sausage patties.  Rather than making real scrambled eggs, I bought Egg Beaters and had that.  I also included an orange.  Due to the large amount of sugar in orange juice, I can only drink that when my blood sugar is too low.  However, I can enjoy a real orange.  I found I loved how sweet the orange slices tasted.  It has been a long time since I had a real orange and I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I began to realize that part of changing my lifestyle would enable me to eat foods that are naturally sweet and really understand how wonderful that is.  Also, I have been pouring over some of the recipes that Cooking Light and Diabetic Living has.  Cooking Light has a great chicken dish that I want to make.  Diabetic Living always has some wonderful recipes.  As much as I enjoy baked/roasted chicken and fish, I tend to get bored with having the same thing over and over.  Now, I am trying to look for low calorie dishes that are delicious.  So, I am working on finding some new recipes that can fit into the changes I am making.

I am also considering joining the YMCA down the road from where I live.  However, I am still making some heavy considerations regarding that.  Part of me really does not want to spend the money, but I really would like to get some great advice on what I can do to tone up and keep losing weight. 

Time to turn on the TV and walk in place for 45 minutes.  I have not done that in a few days.  I feel nothing but guilt over that because I feel I have let myself down.  Now, I need to get back on that bike and hit the road.  It is determination - I want to know what happens once I reach my goal weight - what will I look like?

Today - God's Message to Me:

Today, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know that ...

God will give you everything you need once you are ready to receive.

God is abundant and is only waiting for you to make yourself ready to receive what you truly need. Think now what can you do to make yourself ready?

Wishing...

I have completely blown this day off due to some rather disturbing news and version release for the weekend.  I am emotionally miserable.  I did manage to handle getting some Tex-Mex and only ate half of that because I was full pretty quickly.

Bo and Chloe's vet called and told me that Chloe's recent blood work showed that her liver values are off the charts.  The vet wants to do another test as well as get both dogs teeth cleaned.  March 3rd, both dogs go back to the vet.  However, I am troubled by Chloe's issues.  I have been giving her the medications as prescribed.  The liver value bothers me because there is a possibility of her blowing out either her kidneys or liver.  I know Chloe is an older dog, but I am not sure I can handle her passing away just yet.  I know there is never any good or convenient time.  Still, it saddens me deeply to think of losing her.

I spent most of the day lying in bed with her.  Just trying to spend more time with the poochie that loves to cuddle up next to me.  From the outside, she shows no signs of any issues.  Heck, while walking her tonight, she chased some animal she saw in the bushes.

I am trying to hand over my worries to God.  Unfortunately, that is not my only worry.  I need to get over some stupid thing I have running about in my head.  It has had me messed up for weeks.  I need to concentrate and I just cannot seem to do it.

Today, I had no will to focus.  Never in my life has my horoscope been this true - it actually told me that I would not be able to concentrate.  Do not even bother with trying to read or anything - it won't hold me still.  That has been so true.  I could not even concentrate on writing further on my book.

Today, I *finally* dropped a pound.  I have 0.5 lbs left before I reach my mini-goal of 286.2.  After I reach that goal, I will reset my weight loss goal to 280.0.  Now, the numbers will be even and make sense.  Being stalled on my weight loss has troubled me quite a bit.  I know it should not because I watched my BMI drop.  My clothes are fitting loose, so I can feel the change.  Still, nothing is more frustrating than not seeing the weight number change.

The other night, I went to the reunion planning meeting.  One of the guys from my class had suggested meeting at The Reservoir in FTW.  It is a very nice place.  He was buying drinks for some of his workers.  One worker was awfully nice and bit flirty.  That made me feel good.  I wish I had experienced more of that when I was younger.  I might be able to recognize when someone is being *real* vs *fake*.  Most of the time, I blow men off when they do that because I cannot believe that they would even attempt that with me.  I figure I am definitely a head case.

Today's Message From God to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you always have one last resort.

When nothing else works, surrender to God, and let your faith carry you through.

I certainly hope that God is listening.

Energy Draining Situations...

I got the following message from God today and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you will get back to solving all the wrongs in a moment, - how about taking a moment to treasure what is right.

All too often we focus so intently on solving the problems, that we forget to zoom out and celebrate what is good in our life already.

Isn't this all too true? 

Sunday and Monday, I spent a good bit of time trying to solve someone else's problem.  I had already suggested one path to take upon doing this particular process, but the person doing the work chose a different path.  The reasoning behind the different path seems valid, but for whatever reason, the process just was not working.

When I hit a brick wall or cannot figure something out, I will go back to ground zero and start over again.  Sometimes, something funky - no reason - happens and you just have to redo everything.  This person was complaining about the systems he created starting too slow.  He keyed into an area that was suspicious.  I made the comment regarding avoiding going across the national network vs the local network could be at play and he immediately discounted it before I could conclude my sentence.  I was finding every time I said something, he was chopping me off.  I finally got tired of it.

What kills me is that he makes the statement that I do not have to be like that or he is just making conversation.  Okay - well, you are asking for my help.  You have chosen a path that I did not recommend in favor for short cuts.  I have never come across your problem in the past, so I really do not know where else to start than to begin at the beginning and take a different approach.  As for the slowness of the system, I was trying to explain that as I had come across that in previous testing scenarios and I warned everyone regarding that.  The solution here indicated the introduction of that issue, therefore explaining why the system was taking forever to start.

I spend my days solving problems.  That is all I do.  People above me say I am supposed to be like a fire fighter and they constantly dump severe issues on me to solve.  I know my problem is much like the fire fighter - I am tired of putting out everyone's fire.

It is one thing to look within yourself and see the issues that you are not happy.  We go through the same process - you have to determine the issue and the best path for resolution.  Sometimes, we get the right path immediately.  Other times, we do not, but we learn from our mistakes.

I am nowhere near perfect and I never will be.  I do not want to be perfect - I want to be me and love who I am with all of the perfect and imperfect pieces about me.  As I said, I no longer have much patience - it has grown thin over time.  The person asking for my help has an abundance of patience - I know of his own personal struggles and dealing with those takes patience I no longer have.  While he can make me feel I am being hasty, at the same time, I would like for him to understand I am trying to help, but sometimes, there is no easy answer other than do it again.

Rage and Anger - Why Are You Here?

I suppose it started last night.  Most of the day was spent trying to get laundry done and tidy up the place (Okay, I did not do a great job on that part - I need a vacation from everything and do a huge dumpage).  I received a message regarding some stuff at work and I got immediately annoyed.  This went on for most of the evening.  This morning, I am asked even more questions.

Why was I annoyed? I was annoyed because this business came up on Tuesday to be done and this person should have asked for information during the week.  Now, it is the 11th hour and he is scrambling.  Deep down inside, I know that this is ALWAYS the case.  Does not matter who is doing what - no one ever plans properly.  When you do make that attempt, the people ignore you, then they can tell everyone that they never got the memo.

While I would say I am quite proud of the fact that I reached making 70,000+ steps this past week, my scale has not budged in the past 4 days.  Grrrr.  To compound matters, my FitBit Flex is acting weird.  On Saturday night, I put it on to charge over night.  I got up on Sunday and forgot to put it on when I walked the dogs.  So, I tried to approximate how many steps that was from previous walks and put that on the web site. 

Once I got back to the apartment, I put on the FitBit Flex and started doing my 45 minute walk in place.  Some time during the day, the FitBit started showing that the battery was low.  Hmmmmm?

Last night, I put the FitBit Flex into sleep mode to check my sleep.  Apparently, the device ran out of juice again while I was sleeping.  Very annoying.  So, I have pulled out my FitBit Zip and measuring the steps using that device while the Flex is recharging.  I wish that there was some way for me to switch out devices, so that I could allow one to charge while using the other for calculating my steps and such.

I suppose I have turned this process into a habit because I feel lost without the FitBit.  How funny?!

Not every day is going to be the "happy path" and I need to learn to accept some curve balls from time to time.  I have obviously reached a bit of a plateau with my weight loss.  As for work, let's be serious, that is never going to change.  People there are going to continue to do those things because they can and there is not anything I can really do about it.

I know what really angers me about work, but I cannot say on a public forum.  Again, it is a matter of people handing things as they always do and I will never be able to change that.

Gearing Up for Week 7...

I have been working on this lifestyle change for the past 6 weeks.  I hope I have been promoting a good habit at this point.  I did my walking in place for about 45 minutes while watching Sherlock - Season 3 - Episode 2.  I did not realize how much of the show I actually missed when I watched it the first time!  I have to admit, my walking in place while watching TV is improving my attention span.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought the groceries for the week.  I had a ton of really old meats and such in my refrigerator that I had to purge.  I was so disappointed in myself for that.  I think the best way to handle the grocery shopping is to get only those items I know I will use for the week as best as I can.

For example, today, I am going to make a pork roast with baked sweet potato slices, steamed mixed vegetables, and a small salad.  I measure and weigh my food items, if they are not already measured in some form or fashion.  Luckily, I have plenty of measuring spoons and cups.  That helps me so much that you have no idea.  It also helps me on regaining what portion sizes I should have. 

I do not feel hungry, but I do get the low blood sugar shakes and jitters from time to time.  That part bothers me.  I am working on lowering my insulin medications. For my Lantus, I have reduced my units from 72 to 47 and I need to reduce more.  On my Novolog, I have reduced down from 25 to 15.  I need to re-evaluate my insulin levels again as my fasting blood sugar is still in the upper 80s to lower 90s.  I think drinking tons of water, laying off of diet sodas, and eating better has helped me lower my blood sugar tremendously.

Something I noticed yesterday as I was looking to get something out to eat.  Boston Market and Outback both have places on their web site that help you evaluate how many calories and what have you on your food selection.  This is so awesome because I can put together a "plate" and put it into my FitBit foods with the correct nutritional information.  It makes going out to eat not quite so daunting a task.

Yesterday, I also had to buy some new washing detergents.  I had to get "free and clear" of perfumes and dyes due to some irritation I have been experiencing.  I hope that using these products and the medication will work for me.

I have been also toying with the idea of getting laser hair removal.  I do believe that I suffer from PCOD (out of whack hormones) and that causes the hair on my chin.  I have tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing works.  I am hesitant to do it, but at some point, I need to do something.  I get so tired of looking at it.  I know I am probably the only one to see it, but that is the point.  I see it and I do not like it.

Today, I am going to work on my laundry and also get my tax return done.  I could use the refund for paying off some bills as well as getting the laser hair removal treatments.

I told everyone - this year is all about "Remake/Remodel" and that is what I am going to do.

Today's daily message from God:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

if you cannot accept failing, you cannot succeed.

Nothing truly meaningful is achieved on the first attempt, and if that's where you stop, then failure is all you will have.

I have always told people I am not perfect.  I do not learn by being perfect.  We all learn from making mistakes.  By making mistakes, we learn why the choice was a mistake or how to keep from making the same mistake.  If everything was perfect, this world would be boring.

Week 6 Wrap Up...

I have reached 287.5 on the scale.  That is a far cry from the 314.2 back on January 6th.  As of late, I make it a point to hit my 10,000 step goal each day.  At least, with that goal in mind, I feel that I am achieving more activity in my life.

I am gaining more perspective in the portion control area.  I probably should have had my shake for lunch yesterday, but I went to Genghis Grill with some work friends.  I ordered the small bowl for lunch and had cabbage instead of any kind of rice.  I felt full after lunch and I did enjoy it.  I do find myself still "inhaling" food at times.  I really need to focus on that and slow it.  I need to learn to savor the meal, rather than "woofing" it down.  I guess we all feel we have to do things quickly in order to get them done and move onto the other things.  I have heard that it should take you 20 to 30 minutes to eat your meals.  With that in mind, you won't eat as much and your body lets you know when you have had enough.

Next week, I start to eat regular, healthy meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I hope that I can sustain the weight loss train.  I try to keep my calories down and eat healthy meals as much as I can.  Unfortunately, I am going to really have to tell one friend of mine that I can no longer go out to eat with her.  Last night, she got angry when I did not eat more of the peanut butter ice box pie.  Come on!  I am trying to lose weight here and I had 5 to 6 bites.  I am not going to eat the whole thing - that is all that there is to that!  I am determined to get this weight off of me and if you want dessert, then you eat it!  It just really chaps my hide.

Today, I have already walked in place for 45 minutes.  My legs are a bit tired, but it is a good tired - not one of pain or strain.  I checked the FitBit and I have already reached 6,630 steps and it is BEFORE 6 PM!!!  For me, during the week, it is so difficult to get those steps done before 10 PM.  Last night, I did make my 10,000 step goal before 11 PM, but as soon as I got home from dinner and walking the dogs, I was in the living room pounding out the floor in front of the TV. 

One thing I like about having gotten a majority of my steps in for the day, I can rest a bit.  I do not have this feeling of "You have to get your steps done or you won't lose any weight!  You don't want to be fat and ugly all your life, do you?"  Now, it is "Good for you!  Now, make sure you drink plenty of water and find something healthy to eat".

A Moment of Self-Guessing...

The other day, I went to see a new doctor - an OB-GYN.  I was concerned about something and I thought it would be best to get someone other than my GP to look into it.  As I sat in the waiting room, I saw all of these women who were pregnant or had small children coming in and out of the office.  I began to think about my life.  Did I make the right choices for myself?  Why was I so alone?  Will there ever be a man for me?  Would I ever find a true love?

I have always said I would never have a child without a father.  Parenting is such a difficult task and doing it alone would be crazy.  Do not get me wrong - I have high praise for those men and women who have had to raise children by themselves.  God gave those people more patience and understanding that I only wish I had.  For me, if I were to find the man of my dreams - the right man - and I felt I could still have a healthy child, I probably would do it as long as we both were secure that it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I know my life is truly chaotic.  That is not an atmosphere for bringing others into it, especially a child.  My dogs manage dealing with me, but I appreciate them more than they will ever know.  Right now, they are my "children" and I love them very much.  I also know that my dogs are my protectors and that humbles me to no end.  They may be small, but they want to protect me.  I appreciate that.  Of course, I have always said - you hurt my dogs, I will kill you.  Most parents feel the same about their children.  I would say the feeling is mutual.

Back to my update:

I have lost 26.7 lbs to date.  I  have about 1.3 lbs to lose before hitting my current small term goal.  Medium goal is 60 lbs by May - Celebration - Go to Six Flags and spend the day riding rides.  Definitely means a lot of walking!  I will do this because I really want to go to Six Flags!  I will probably make another medium goal to go back there again in September - maybe I will be 90 lbs lighter at that point.  I hope to be in better shape than I started.  Also, I will celebrate 2014-2015 hockey season with two new jerseys that will be much smaller!

I need to work on getting my passport.  I would like to make my ultimate reward for reaching the big goal a trip to England.

In the meantime, I am going to stay positive and make these miracles happen for me.  I need the change!

Small Signs...

Today, I got on the scale and finally can say goodbye to the 290s.  Now, I welcome the 280s for a bit and hope to move out of that area just as soon. 

While putting on my jersey for Saturday's game, I realized that the jersey was fitting loose.  Definitely a small sign that my body is shrinking.  I am also wearing jeans I have not been able to wear for several months.  The jeans I recently bought are too large and start falling off of my hips.  Probably time to put those away for a bit, then give them to charity.  I think I should give them away once I hit in the 200s.

Why is this time so much different than all of the other times I have tried to lose weight?  I would think it has to be the determination that a better life is available to me after I lose it.  I will be healthier, my blood sugar numbers will be lower, I will feel better, I will be more alive. 

It is funny.  I was talking with a friend the other day and I said, my mid-way reward for losing this weight is to spend the day at Six Flags.  Now, I know that sounds silly, but the reality is that I have not been to Six Flags in years.  To spend the day riding the various rides with some friends, that would be so grand.  I miss going to Six Flags and riding the various rides.  I think I will pass on riding the Texas Giant, but the other roller coasters are definitely on my list.

What would be the ultimate reward for losing all of the necessary weight?  Maybe a trip to England, Scotland, and Ireland.  I would love to spend time in London and seeing everything that is there.  I am currently saving money off to the side for something special.  That should be the grand prize for all of this hard work.  Do it for myself and pay myself back for doing so well.

My message from God today:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

the more you are, the more you can be for others.

You cannot give to others what you do not have yourself. First, make yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually wealthy, and then freely give to others.

Physically Exhausted, But Feeling Good Mentally...

I really over did it yesterday.  By the stroke of midnight, I had already reached 18,458 steps.  By 5 PM, I had reached my 10,000 step goal.  Yesterday was just a pretty amazing day!

When I got up, I got the dogs walked, then got in front of the TV and started watching MI-5 on Netflicks while walking in place.  By the time I was ready to stop, about 35 minutes, I had gotten in over 5000 steps.  Wow!  That was amazing.

I ended up over at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (my means) to get a scale to weigh food items and a couple of mats to place in the kitchen.  Then, ran over to the grocery store to get this week's groceries.  I still had not walked that much, but I was further along.

I got cleaned up and headed down to the West End.  I needed to meet my friend and her son at Hooters.  Apparently, he was pretty excited to be going there for dinner.  Unfortunately, we did not eat at that establishment.  The waiting time was 45 minutes to an hour.  Figures - it was 2 hours before the hockey game.  So, rather than be bummed out, we went over to the Hard Rock Cafe.  That was not disappointing - the food and service was great.  I even had a burger and some fries.  I did leave a majority of the fries on the plate, but took down the burger without the bun.  :-)

After dinner, we walked over to the AAC to get to the game.  Due to so many things, we ended up walking almost completely around the arena.  We got to our seats, but 5 minutes before the end of the first period, we had to leave and meet my account manager at section 121.  There, he and other account managers took us down to where the Dallas Stars locker room was located.  We got to stand outside the locker room and get high fives from the team as they filed out.  My friend and her son were very excited to get to do this.  It was great!

What can I say?  I have more love for the Dallas Stars than any other team.  Those guys are so great!  I felt great to be able to provide my friend's son a great memory of going to a hockey game.  Even though his favorite team is the Dallas Cowboys, he made the comment that Cowboys should revamp their system like that.  I thought it was funny.

I like being able to do something that special for someone.  It makes me feel good.

This morning, however, I am paying for overdoing it.  My legs are pretty sore from all of the walking.  I may take it a bit easy today, but I will try to just reach my 10,000 step mark.  Dinner tonight will be roasted salmon with mixed vegetables and rice.  I thought it would be good to change it up from chicken for a change.  I need to get more recipes - that way I can try different things.

Today's Message from God to me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

when you are at a loss of what to do, do nothing.

Doing nothing can be very wise. When you pause doing things, you become more aware of God's presence, and often an unexpected solution to your question will arise.

 

Overall Progress Report...

Yesterday, when I got on the scale, I had only lost 0.4 lbs.  Today, it showed, I lost 1.6 lbs, so I have a total of 2.0 lbs.  Since the beginning of January, I have lost a total of 24.1 lbs. 

I know if I were to go into the grocery store and picked up 6 - 4 lb bags of sugar, I know I would probably go "oof!"  In the process of staying positive, that is a LOT of weight.  I still have a lot more to go, but I am just that much closer to my goal. 

This coming week will be this month's second week of doing the meal replacement.  After that, I will get to prepare healthy foods for my breakfast and lunch. On one hand, the meal replacement has been saving me at the grocery store.  However, I do not necessarily like the fact that my blood sugar dips too low because of it.

Doing something that really feels good:

I have made it a point to focus on walking place each day.  No matter what time, (I do try to make it in the mornings) I make it a point to walk in place for 30 minutes.  I am trying to build up to the 45 minutes that was recommended to me.  Yesterday, I made my 10,000 steps before 10 PM, which is amazing for me.  I am still pretty spotty on getting my 10,000 steps, but I am doing better and better each day.  As I get more consistent, I hope to complete that goal by 10 PM each night.  That makes me feel good to be able to go to bed knowing I did it.

Today, I am going to the Dallas Stars game.  I have not been to a game in awhile due to away games.  This will be the last game to attend until the Winter Olympics are done.  Today will be a bit more special.  My friend and her son will be attending.  We will meet at Hooters in downtown Dallas, then head over to the AAC for the game. 

Here is the exciting part that really makes me feel good for my friend's son - my account manager was able to get us passes to the locker room area, so that we can stand out there and see the team as they go/leave the locker room.  I wanted to do this for my friend's son since this was his first hockey game.  I figured - how exciting that this would be?!  He is only 13 years old, his first hockey team, and he will get a fist pump from the guys as they are coming in/leaving the ice.  I am really excited for him and so very glad this worked out for today. 

I love the Stars to death, but something like this is really meant for the kids.  This was exactly how I felt about the autograph event.  I felt so silly standing there asking these men for an autograph - Good grief - I could be their mother!  For the kids, this is probably the most exciting part and I cannot really deny them that.  It is almost like Christmas for them.  The look on their faces and such is just amazing. 

I just wanted to do something special for someone who had never been to a game.  That way, my friend's son will really remember and cherish the moments.  I do not have any kids - I guess if you want to count Bo and Chloe as kids, but they get excited over doggy toys, so I can see that joy in their faces pretty easily.

Sometimes, it is fun to do something incredibly stupid.  I just did and enjoyed the laugh out of it.  :-)

Week 5 - Still Going Strong...

According to the FitBit web site, I have lost another 2.8 lbs this week.  Yay!  *Happy Dance!*  Tonight, I made my 10,000 step goal before 10 PM and that is great!

I have had a few days where I felt down about everything.  Mainly, that is where I have a lot of self-doubt.  Tonight, I went to get my hair cut.  My stylist had never seen me with make up and she kept going on about how pretty I was.  The sad part is that when I look at myself, I just do not see it.  Maybe that is from all of the years of being told I was "fat and ugly." It is not something one likes to keep in their head, but it is there.

I guess I see the point Alison Moyet and Dawn French have made.  Both women lost a large amount of weight and not through weight loss surgery.  However, so much attention has been showered upon them for losing the weight, but they are no different than they previously were.  Their attitudes and such never changed - just their physical selves.  It seems pretty sad that people tend to not see that side.  I have always admired both women since I was in high school.  Great that they lost the weight, but it was because they wanted to do it for the same reasons I am doing it - for health.

Sometimes, I get scared of losing sight of why I am doing all of this.  I made that mistake so many times and I allowed the weight to come back with vengence.  It is not something I want to happen again.  I want to be able to do more things.

I reflected back to last weekend.  I was in Fort Worth and remembered that it was the Stockshow.  I remembered when my BFF since my early college years and I went to the rodeo there.  We were talking last night and I told her how much I really want to go back for the Stockshow.  I always had fun.  Then, we talked about once I lose 50+ lbs.  I would love for her to take her weekend off and we head off to Six Flags.  Again, remembering the early days when we used to hang out together and go spend the day there.  It would be great to ride the roller coasters and such again.  It has been so long and that would be such a blast to do it again.  I would consider that my next big goal - lose enough to head off to Six Flags for the day.

I would like to note that when I set up the rewards for these goals, none are really food related.  The rewards are those things I have either yet to do or have not done in eons.  It is all part of enjoying life and celebrating those obstacles I have managed to get past.  Maybe, I might be able to see the pretty swan I imagine I am in my head.

Today, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you haven’t opened all your gifts yet.

Your life can be deeper than the ocean, larger than the sky and richer than all the minerals in the earth. You have so much potential. Do everything you dream of. Keep discovering yourself.

That is what my plan is this year and for the future.  I believe there is a lot more there than even I believe.

No Matter How Crazy It Seems - Just Do It...

I tried to rush myself out the door this morning, but ended up missing a conference call and never got my morning walk in as I should have.  When I got to work, I had a few things to do, but mostly, I was supposed to get on this and that conference call.

Rather than just sit there on my butt, I slid off my shoes and started walking in place for about 30 minutes.  I know it looked a bit crazy, but good grief, sitting on a conference call and doing nothing is insane. 

As I was "marching" in place, my boss's boss came by my desk.  She smiled and said "Exercising?"  I shrugged and said I have to do something.  It is better than sitting there doing nothing and I am listening to the call.  She agreed and told me to keep it up.

I know it looks nutty, but as many of you already know, being a bit nutty is just part of my charm.  However, this is so important for me to do.  It is so biting cold outside and trying to walk inside the building is just insane.  I get the same step benefit by walking in place.  I am moving - I am being active and that is important.

As of today, I have lost 22 lbs.  I have gone from 314.2 down to 292.2.  I am close to leaving the 290s and heading into the 280s.  I have actually been able to wear jeans I had not been able to wear for months.  I am nowhere where I need to be, but seeing the results makes a huge difference in my day.

The one thing that has been difficult for me is seeing a difference.  I mean, I see the numbers going down and I can sort of see some physical changes.  However, I just cannot see myself thinner.  Let's see how I see myself after I lose another 30 lbs.

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

if you desire something, offer something.

Offerings can come in many forms: a gift, a prayer, a smile, flowers, food. Offer something from your heart.

I would like to think I have done that.  I made the pecan pralines for my friend, Arnold, and handed out the others for people at work.  Also, I have gotten a couple of tickets lined up for some friends to see a Stars game for free.  I do like to do things for other people.  Making others happy makes me happy.

Time Out...

I think everyone needs a little "time out" from all of our daily life issues.  I am taking a little bit of time out today to walk in place for about 30 minutes, then get back to focusing on other things.  My mind just does not want to focus anymore these days.  I have other things I would rather be doing that I think are far more interesting. 

I spend a lot of my time doubting what my gut feelings say.  I know I should not - I know that my gut feeling is 99% right.  However, I get so conflicted.

Today, I have a lot of anger and frustration flowing through my system.  I would go into it, but it has to deal with work.  So, I am trying to figure out a constructive way to handle it.  Rather than keeping it all inside, I need to let it all go.

I do not have anything very clever or thought provoking to say today.  It is one of those weeks where all of my energy is sucked out of me for something I no longer enjoy.  Believe me, I do not care for it at all.

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

when you are in doubt, stop and listen.

There is not one question in your life that God is not ready to give you guidance on. All you have to do is stop and listen. Listen long enough to know.

Conflicting Feelings and Emotions...

Groundhog day always reminds me of the movie of the same title.  Sometimes, you might wish you could have a do over to see what would happen based on your choices for that day.  I had a similar day yesterday.

I met with my friend on Saturday morning and I was given quite a surprise.  Rather than suggesting some activities to help me build muscle, it was all about what I should be eating.  Anyone who knows me, I do not quite get my mind to functioning properly until a bit later in the day or if I am put into shock, it is not until I walk away and think about what was said that I start seeing issues.

I saw issues.  First, I am on a diet that my doctors and diabetes educators have recommended I follow.  My friend's recommended diet change meant a lot of food - primarily composed of tons of protein and some carbs.  Once again, I was met with some "no" this or that - milk, alcohol, and baked goods.  I could eat as much raw onion, garlic, and honey as I wanted.  Also, I needed to consume 2 gallons of water.

As I drove home, I felt so conflicted.  As of yesterday, I have lost a total of 20 lbs.  I am working on my portion control because to me, making that change and being active makes more sense.  It allows me to have that occasional cookie or what have you without the feeling of total guilt.  Here, I am told no milk, but I can have yogurt for one of my snacks.  Seems like a contradiction.  I get the whole concept regarding cow's milk and what have you, but at the same time, yogurt is also a product of cow's milk.

What bothered me - no discussion regarding fruits.  Raisins are dried grapes and the various companies that make them also put sugar on them to make them a bit sweeter.  So, what about apples, pears, oranges, regular grapes, pineapple, and etc.?

The diet would be fabulous for someone bulking up, but I am worried that too much protein will shutdown my kidneys.  Remember, I still have type 2 diabetes.

The one thing I cannot say is that what I have been doing is not successful.  As embarrassed as I am to say this, I was actually able to fasten the seat belt in a co-worker's Jeep the other day.  Jeep just does not make a long enough seat belt, but other car companies do.  So, when my co-worker noticed that, he thought that was great - I was doing it.

Another co-worker and I were talking about the weight loss.  She has called it "Melissa's Disappearing Campaign".  Everyone is going to see me slowly disappear, but that is a good thing.  I thought it was funny.

Overall, my friend on Saturday was really encouraging and he felt awful that he had not been able to help another former classmate before he passed away.  For that classmate, he had forgotten he had already taken his heart condition medication, so he ended up overdosing.  It was truly sad because he was a truly sweet and crazy guy.

All of my friends have been extremely encouraging during all of this.  As my co-worker friend made the comment, I haven't been psycho in quite some time.  In fact, he had difficulty remembering the last time I was off the rails in his opinion.  I always laugh about that - I am not psycho, I was paranoid and that was due to the high blood sugar.  It was an awful time.  Now, I try not to let things that are out of my control get the better of me.  I do what I can and after that, it is what it is.  That is all any of us can do.  Being a control freak is overrated - too much drama.  I would rather leave that crap for TV - that is why actors are paid so much.

I feel guilty for asking this friend for help, then upon examination of what he tells me, I really do not feel that it is right for me.  I feel I did not get the sort of help I really wanted, but that is not his fault.  He has this formulation that works for many people.  I simply was looking for what I could do to help my activity level.

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

all those little things that annoy you, are God's way of watching out for you.

You never know when an untied shoelace saves you from an onrushing car. On September 11th, one man was saved because he had to get donuts for his team; another because he developed a blister on his foot from wearing new shoes.