Thursday, May 30, 2013

Hot Days Ahead...

Weather is so unpredictable.  Tornadoes ripped through towns like Granbury, Cleburne, and Moore, OK - which was far from being "OK".  I remember telling someone that with hurricanes and the like, you pretty much have some warning.  Tornadoes are just a very unpredictable creature and the havoc it wrecks is rarely ever recoverable.  Sure, people have insurance to get their homes rebuilt and such, but I am talking about the lives the tornadoes touch as well as take.

It is either me or the humidity, but I have decided that I will have to start taking two baths a day.  One bath for tackling the day.  The second bath just to cool down in order to get some good rest.  When I walk the dogs, I start sweating and feeling all kinds of nasty.  When I go to bed at night, I just toss and turn and I am either hot or cold.  My luck, I could be starting menopause - ACK!  NO!  (Actually, I could do without the hormonal changes.)

I am advancing my efforts to look for another job.  I have forwarded my resume to 2 professional headhunters.  An incident occurred this week where I felt that "Enough is enough."  I do not feel I am adding much to the department and I see more and more stuff being given to other people.  Honestly, it is the same old stuff, but disguised as " project."  Not really.  New application, same configuration/set up.

Last weekend, I spent Saturday and Sunday working on emptying out storage units by my parents' house.  According to my father, the rent is going up and it is an "albatross" hanging around our necks.  My father has bought a new shed with a loft.  He plans on putting my mom's Christmas stuff up there and place other things down where he can reach it. 

I found my freshman, sophomore, and junior yearbooks on Saturday.  All three were still in pretty good shape, so I brought those home.  I flipped through them and read what everyone had signed.  I laughed and cried.  It was good to reflect.

We gathered about 5 plastic bags full of clothes to take to the center in Crowley.  I am sure they were glad to get the clothes.  My father's girlfriend made some comment about having so many clothes.  I get why we had so many clothes.  When my mom was growing up, she never had enough clothes.  Also, there was always "I have gained/lost weight to get into those - I will save them for next time."  I had found a dress I used to wear in 1991.  I loved it, but there is no way I could fit into now.  I put it in the donation bag and said "I am going to let someone love it."

I got a flyer in the mail for some homes built in Little Elm.  I only wish I had the money to put down for a home.  The floor plans would work out so well for me and having a good backyard for the dogs would be a blessing.  Just the few days I spent at my father's house this weekend was pretty relaxing because I would just open the door and the dogs would go in and out as they pleased.  It was nice not to have to walk them all of the time.

I think I am getting better at leaving well enough alone.  When it comes to the pager, I try not to look at it unless I am on-call.  Learning how to better let go.

Today's Message from God:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

it's good to express your feelings.

Don't hold your feelings in, suppressed they will just poison your well being. Have the courage to express them, in intelligent ways of course.

I think that is part of my problem - if I express my feelings, I will probably express too much.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Depressing Days...

I held off from blogging because most of my thoughts were rather depressing.  That is probably the wrong approach - I should go ahead and get that stuff out of my system.  However, I was pretty conflicted on posting anything.

My scale is not showing much change.  Granted, I still am not moving around like I should, however, I do see where I just cannot eat as much as I used to eat without feeling some pain.  Now, when I say that, I am talking about that pain when you overeat and your stomach lets you know about it.  I think twice before I order something in the amount I used to eat.

Excitement for me during this time was making it to see Star Trek: Into Darkness last Friday night.  I went to the 11:30 PM showing in the IMAX 3D theater.  I loved the movie!  It was an awesome ride and I am ready to go at it again.

Something that makes me sad.  I had someone "add" me for a friend request.  I do not know this person.  I even sent a private message on FB asking "Do I know you?"  It was obvious I did not.  The man supposedly was from the UK and apparently "looking" for a mate.  I accepted him on Yahoo! Messenger, but when I did not respond to his messages at 4:30 AM my time, he got a bit nasty.  Basically, why would accept him and not talk to him?  Well, because I was asleep at 4:30 AM?!

The man was asking to see pictures of me.  I decided - be upfront and honest.  I said I was single and extremely overweight.  If he was still interested in getting to know me, then he would make an effort.  Did that happen?  No.  Never heard a peep from him after that. 

I told myself, what have I got to lose?  Apparently, I lost my self-esteem.  Why did I even give in to that?  Maybe because I was feeling rather lonely, but I make that bed.  I am picky and feel I have every right to be picky considering I have been alone for so long.  When it happens, I want it for the right reasons.  I don't want to get mixed up with just anyone.  You might say, what if you pass up that person who is right for you?  My thought - if it is for real, it will happen.  At least, I hope that is God's plan.  However, I have to tell myself, your life is not exactly perfect and peaceful right now.  As a friend posted the other day, I need to find my "good place."

I have worked hard on making sure I take my meds daily.  The results are showing within the blood sugar numbers.  I have watched them go from mid 250s down to the 160s in the mornings.  That is a huge improvement.  I am also trying hard not to eat carbs late at night.  That seemed to cause higher blood sugar in the mornings.

One day, I had to skip breakfast and picked up something for lunch.  I still had not eaten, but was running around the department passing out some baseball game tickets.  At one point, I noticed I was getting jittery and sweating.  I sat down and measured my blood sugar.  It was 99.  I sat down and ate my lunch immediately after that.  That was a first for me to experience that.  I don't think I want to go through that again.

I have other things that are bothering me, but I think I will hold onto those.  I hate to get into all of that publicly, but I find I have a lot of apathy.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day - 2013...

Chloe kicked me until I finally got up and took Bo and her out for a walk around 6:30 AM.  After we returned, we all went back to bed.  I just wanted to get the extra rest.  Unfortunately, I did not go back to sleep immediately - I had to play Words with Friends, then level up with Candy Crush Saga.  After that, I finally fell back to sleep.

Friday and Saturday, I pretty much "devoured" the latest Charlaine Harris "Sookie Stackhouse" book.  Dead Ever After is the supposed final book in the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood series.  I think my mom would be surprised I read through that book as quickly as I did.  When I read for enjoyment, I can pretty much get through most books.  If the book is slow or complicated, I will lose my interest.  I remember being sick in 2003 or 2004.  I laid in bed and read about 3 James Patterson books.

While I adore my iPad (1st generation), I enjoyed reading the book on my 7" Kindle Fire.  The small size made it a bit more flexible to read.  I do love how I can read to a certain point on the Kindle, then, read on the iPad and the system syncs up where I last ended. 

I have spend the past few days thinking about my mom.  It is difficult to believe it has been 3 1/2 years since she passed away.  I think about her every day.  There are days I wish I could just talk to her to feel better about what is going on in my life.  Even when she irritated with me, she would help me see the right way.

In celebration of Mother's Day, I decided to bake a coca cola cake.  It was a recipe that she would bake so often and I loved it.  Later, I will go pick up some fried chicken and make green beans and some creamed cauliflower and slice up some tomatoes for dinner.  The chicken would be a bad choice, but my mom always wanted to have that sort of dinner on her deck my father built in 1992.  She always wanted to have a nice meal outside and just enjoy the weather and such. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Noticing Small Changes...

While I realize I have only been on Victoza for a week, I can already tell a difference.  However, my realistic self keeps trying to tell me that it is probably mind over matter.  I am not eating quite so much.

I started taking the medication last Monday.  By Friday, I just could not eat as much as I normally would.  I would feel pretty full, but would this medication have kicked in this quickly?  What I have seen is that my morning blood sugar has gone from the upper 250s+ down to 200s.  During the day, I have actually seen numbers more close to "normal" such as 130-150.  One time, I had 116 - that was amazing.

I have even seen a little movement on the scale.  When weighed last Monday, I was 304.  Yesterday, I weighed and I was down to 300.  Of course, once I get below that, I will feel just a tad better, but will work on my next goal - get down to 290.  The farther away I can get away from "300", the better I will feel.  I hate that number. 

At one point in my adult life, I weighed 220.  I basically lost 120 lbs.  I did use phen-phen to get there, but it was a tool.  I was walking about 4 miles every day.  My mom was amazed at my dedication at that time.  Every night after dinner, as long as it was not raining, I would go outside and walk the neighborhood for about an hour.  I made sure I made 4 long rounds, which was about 4 miles.

During that time, I felt good about myself, but yet, I still had issues with dating and such.  That weighed heavily on me and could not see past that to what I had truly accomplished.  I still saw "fat" driving people away.

Today, I am not going to sit here and set myself up for failure by thinking "I lose all of this weight and there will be men all over me."  No.  Or that my life will drastically be better.  Physically, I will feel better, but it won't change my life from bad to fabulous.  That is nowhere being realistic.

The other day, I did buy a bunch of new jeans and bras.  Even though I knew I was on this new drug and it would help with weight loss, I still bought the new clothes.  Mainly because a part of me thinks - What if this does not work for you?  What if you continue to balloon out of control?  You still have to dress yourself.  Your current jeans are either too small or worn out from wear.  I can no longer go in to WalMart to get a cheap pair of jeans anymore - the sizes do not fit me at this point.  So, I ordered the larger size I need now. 

Next question - what if this does work and the weight begins to come off - what are you going to do with all of those clothes?  Answer is simple enough - store them away for a year.  If I do not see a need to get back into them, I will give them to GoodWill or one of the clothing drop offs.  Lord knows that there are probably other women out there that are my size and need the clothes.

Various books and articles suggest creating one major goal and smaller goals to reach the main one.  I will admit, if I could lose 100 lbs and keep it off, I seriously won't care about anything else.  Just having that weight off my frame would probably improve my life a million fold.  I am not going to care if men still do not find me attractive because at that point, I know what it is like to be this large and I just won't fall for that being the reason to look down upon myself.  I have done that for so long in my life.  Now, I want to release that judgmental part of my life. 

My minor goals to reach the major goal is simply:  just lose weight.  No matter how little or much - anything is progress.  More reasonably - try to lose 2 to 5 lbs a month.  Any loss is a gain in reaching the main goal.  I just have to keep reminding myself every day - maybe even become a mantra:

You never got here overnight.  It took years.  In order to get to a smaller weight, it is not going to happen overnight - it may take years.  The point - you can do it and do it the healthy way. 

Time to ride out this adventure and see where it leads.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Breaking It Down....Again

Not sure why this song comes to my mind today.  Maybe that is because that is how I feel today.  I just want to break down everything and restart.  It seems like such a daunting task and many times I hate coming to this point, but sometimes, taking drastic measures like that helps to rebuild something better.

Rebuilding is never a bad thing - only good can come from it.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Medical Updates and Realizations...

This week, I have gone to see my diabetes specialist, my GP, and my dentist today.  When seeing the diabetes specialist, my A1C showed significant change from 11.5 to 8.8.  This is good news considering I think I am doing a poor job, so that actually is encouraging me to eat better.

The specialist has put me on Victoza.  This medication is supposed to help the pancreas produce more of its own insulin to control the blood sugar in my system.  Side effect, the medication will help trigger the feeling full message that is sent to the brain.  I have only been on the medication for a few days and starting to see where I am beginning to dismiss various portions or getting a bit more difficult to finish something I have to eat.  Not sure if that is because I am just getting to that point where I cannot find anything that I really want to eat or the medication is starting to work on me.  I am going to give that a few more weeks and see the results.

Yesterday, I went to see my GP.  The main reason to see my GP was to make sure I did not need a referral to talk with the internist that performed colonoscopies on my mom and dad.  I verified that this specialist is part of my insurance company's list of approved physicians.  The doctor stated if that is the case, then I can just call the internist and set up my appointment.  The doctor agreed with the specialist that I need to get in there at my earliest to get a check up.  The internist knows my mom's history and the fact that my grandmother also had colon cancer.  He had told my father that had my mom had a check up 10 years earlier, she would still be alive today.  That is debatable, but the fact remains that I need to get myself checked up.

Also, I noticed an area on my left foot that bothers me.  The other day, I noticed a couple of scabs on my foot.  The GP is referring me to some dermatologists on the rash but told me that other than having very dry skin on my feet, there was no infection and that the rash is probably something most diabetics have - a dermatologist would be able to handle it better than her.  She did check my feet and confirmed that I do have some nerve damage already at my toes due to the diabetes.  At the tips of the toes, I can barely feel a light touch.  Therefore, I need to be really careful.

When I did see my GP, I brought in the documentation I got from Diabetes Center.  This information had not been sent to my GP, so she was writing down all of the meds that I am now taking as well as the blood sugar, A1C, cholesterol, and triglycerides data.  I would think that doctors would communicate better to one another, especially if they are all part of the same network.  I guess I was wrong on that point.  However, I see how that causes a lot of issues with patients getting meds that they are not supposed to have.  I would think doctors would want to avoid that.

Today, I see the dentist for my teeth cleaning.  I wish I had whiter teeth.  I know when I spoke to Random Cathy about that, she supported the Crest Whitening strips.  I have also seen in various Consumer Reports type of shows the same thing.  I have bought the low end version of the strips, so not sure if I need to spend the extra $$ for the top of the line intensive version.  I just need to start using them.

During all of these doctor trips, my weight remains still over 300.  Ugh!  Here is hoping to see some negative changes in that area - meaning, dropping of the weight.  I need to take a picture of myself to see this.  I look at myself and I really do not see the weight as I should.  When I see pictures of myself, it is pretty obvious.  That might be the only way I see positive change.