Time to reflect...

On Saturday, my father took an earlier flight to come home from his sister's funeral.  Seems like there was a lot of chaos surrounding when my aunt would actually have a funeral or not.  I know that there was a viewing before she was cremated.  In hindsight, I wish I had done the same with my own mother.  Not really to have a huge viewing, but we had flown her sister, Rita, down the day she died.  (Actually, we had gotten the ticket for her in hopes that she would have been here before mom died.) 

When my mother died, the hospice nurse called the funeral home to come pick mom up that night.  For me, they waited until I got to the house so that I could see my mom one last time.  My aunt never got that chance and for that, I feel awful.  We tried to get something set up for my aunt to see my mom, but nothing could be done.

My father told me of how the children argued over who got what.  My father returned with two pictures:  One of my father, mother,and I taken when I was 3 and my senior picture.  I have read on FB where my aunt tells one of my cousins that she was my aunt Phyllis' favorite.  I don't think I am anyone's favorite mainly because I just do not go down to South Louisiana much.  Most of my life has been spent apart from relatives and unfortunately, there is not much of a connection.  Do not get me wrong, I love going down there and seeing everyone.  That is always great, but it also feels a bit strained at times.  That is really no one's fault.

The one thing I was happy to hear was that my father got to see some old friends while he was there.  He was there to help and such, but there were times where not much was going on, so he got to see his friend he reconnected with via Classmates.com.  There was another friend he had that he had not seen since he was 12.  He spent time at that friend's grocery store/cafe, talking and eating boudin.  He even got to spend some more time with his closest friend from high school and his wife.  That made me happy because if anything good comes of FB and other social media is the reconnection to old friends.  He really enjoyed getting to see these people and all I could think was from sadness came all of this happiness.  I was happy for him.

My week has not been so great, but I am trudging through it.  My blood sugar is slowing going down, but not fast enough.  Luckily, I have stopped topping over 400 and being close to 500 to being in the low 300's to upper 200's.  I have to keep focusing on getting better.

I guess my father had no idea how bad things were with my health.  I had taken my blood sugar after taking the dogs out at 6:30 AM and it was 295.  I figured the brownie the night before had something to do with that.  Dinner, I was pretty sure I was under the carb mark.  I took my blood sugar check again at 10:45 AM and it was 211.  Of course, I still haven't had anything to eat, but about to start determining what I should eat for lunch, snacks and dinner.  I need to get some fresh veggies from the grocery store as well as more fruit.

I am making a better effort to get more fruit and veggies into my diet.  For some reason, I am really craving broccoli.  When ordering from the local Chinese take-out, I ordered two dishes with broccoli.  I am also thinking of putting together a fresh veggie baggie for me to snack on when it is that time.  It used to be that I would pop in either baby carrots and/or grape tomatoes.  Now, I think I may add bell peppers, broccoli, and cauliflower to the mix.  Also, I have fixed roasted veggies and eaten them with roasted chicken - YUMMO. 

My biggest pitfall is that I keep running into a rut, meal-wise.  I mean, sure, roasted chicken is great, but I cannot have it every night.  I plan on gathering up all of my Cooking Light and Diabetic Living magazines and checking out what recipes sound/look good.  I need to cook more for myself and quit going out to pick up something for dinner. 

Last night, I cooked turkey sausage, mac and cheese, and broccoli and cheese.  The sausage was 10g of carbs, mac and cheese was Bob Evans mini at 22 g of carbs, and the broccoli and cheese was 10 g of carbs.  That should have covered my allocated 45 g of carbs at dinner.  It was delicious and reminded me of when mom would cook sausage, so it was comforting in that aspect.  However, it also helped me to understand that I can cook with sausage and turkey sausage is not really that bad.  At least, I did not feel as bloated.  :-)

This week may be a bit painful - I have to get through my two on-line courses, I have been a really rotten student this semester, so I am just glad that these are continuing education courses and do not cost $$$$.

Sad week...

Tuesday morning, my aunt called looking for my father.  As it happened, my father had spent the night at my apartment in order to be here to help his girlfriend.  My other aunt, the oldest sister (my father is the oldest and this sister was the 3rd oldest), had passed away.  She had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was in the process of doing chemo and radiation therapy. 

Unfortunately, the cancer was not what killed her.  It would seem that she was having a violent vomiting attack and tore something or maybe had an ulcer.  She bled out and there was blood everywhere.  I feel awful hearing this because it was such a difficult way to die.

I have been trying to get my blood sugar down for days.  At one point, I had it down to 186, but I had not eaten anything that day.  I am trying to eat breakfast and get in the smaller snacks into my day.  However, I have got to tell my co-worker that I am tired of going out to eat.  It is expensive and there are not much choices.  I do not want to eat salad every stinking day and NO I do not want to eat at The Cheesecake Factory.

This week, with my aunt's passing and that bringing up all sorts of issues, I have been just giving up and I know better.  Today, I am going to whip up some tuna salad for a tuna salad sandwich.  I need to go to Whole Foods and pick up some chicken salad.  I really cannot handle the fried foods during the summer.  The fried foods just sit in my stomach and make me feel really bloated.

This weekend, I really need to get this place whipped back into shape.  I am going to concentrate doing laundry and cleaning the apartment as well as doing homework.

Time to get breakfast and ready for work.  Dogs need fresh water, meds, and their breakfast.  Will post more later.

Been one of those Metformin days...

I had such plans for today, then the regular trips to the bathroom began.  What the evil Metformin does to my system completely wipes me out.  I figure I just need to ride it out the whole mess.  Maybe it will get through my system quick.

I started the day with my blood sugar at 308.  I am just hoping that I will get my blood sugar down some something reasonable.  Tonight, I will be getting something out to eat.  I think I will get a steak, but try to curb my passion to have a baked potato.

Time to do some homework and get ready for any late night work activities.

Almost the weekend...

This week has been crazy, at best.  I had to have a new washer and hot water heater installed in my apartment.  Now, mind you, this apartment is only 6 year old and I am the only one that has occupied this apartment since the complex opened.

I am behind in getting homework and quizzes done for my continuing education courses.  I love school.  However, work and school is a lot like oil and water for me.  I still have not been able to find that perfect balance.

I also feel so very sad.  I was thinking of my mom.  I don't feel comfortable telling my father the things I feel.  Heaven only knows how badly I miss just being able to talk to her or making her laugh.  During probably one of the worst parts of her dying, she was nowhere "herself."  I had just figured out what she was trying so hard to tell us.  She would just keep telling me in this garbled conversation.  However, whenever I said something, she would repeat it and laugh.  It was always that full of life laugh as if it were the funniest thing she ever heard.

The past year and half has not been easy.  I feel like I am never allowed to stop and grieve.  I cry in the shower or at night as I walk the dogs.  Seems to be those times of solitude when I think mom would hear how much I miss her.

Just needed to get that out of my system.

The good old numbers game...

Today, I measured my blood sugar and it was 347.  Last night, it was 310.  On top of that, I have to deal with the meds messing up my system to the point where it was better if I stayed home to work.  It really kills me.  Then, you have to deal with the weight numbers.  It is a constant yo-yo situation.

The numbers game is a two edged sword.  When the numbers are going in the "good" direction, one can feels o good about themselves.  The moment those numbers move in the opposite direction, talk about killjoy.  The idea of failure sets in and people feel they are less than what they should be. 

The toughest hurdle I have with this is trying to look at this in a realistic view:  Those numbers are constantly changing.  You can only control how much "off" those number go in certain ways.  You just have to do your best and try not to get caught up in the mess.  Take my current situation for example, I knew my blood sugar number was not good, but it was better than the 328 I had measured that morning.  So, I was feeling good about that.  This morning, seeing the 347 was just a punch to the stomach.  "What did I do wrong?"

First of all, my numbers are terribly off and that is MY fault.  I have neglected my health for a large amount of reasons.  I can blame who or what on those failures, but bottom line, it is my responsibility.  Accountability is on my shoulders, not others.  When I let others run my life, then I have lost control of me.  I hear a friend of mine always telling wait staff and such that we have Type II diabetes.  First, that information is not any part of their business.  Second, learn to read menus and determine what you can have to eat.  Third, do not promote others to share in your "fudging" incidents - such as "I had a bad day - let's go get a hamburger and fries."

For my part, I realize who my saboteurs are and they need to be kept at arm's length.  My friend mentioned above - I need to start giving into going and getting a hamburger with her.  If I meet her for dinner, then pick out something reasonable for me to eat.  I have to make the effort to make sure I check restaurants on line for their menus and pick out healthy foods.

Next, try not to get into a rut.  You know, one spends so much time being told "You can always have a salad."  Yes, I could.  Then, again, is that salad really healthy for me?  Probably not, depending on where I am.  Then, again, I could use some protein.  I just wished there were more options.

So, what did I do when I saw the 347 number this morning?  I simply said, "Okay - let's watch what we eat today and just stay the course."  I decided I needed to eat breakfast, so I fixed some cottage cheese with some sugar free mandarin oranges and some sausage.  Calorie and carb stand point, I did not do too badly.  I just need to continue to be on my toes and fix up some healthy snacks for me to have at work.

Let's do this!!!