Saturday, December 31, 2016

Closing Out 2016...

I had high hopes for 2016, but in the end, the year did not go anywhere near what I had intended to have happen.  Most of the year, I was wrapped up in trying to deal with physical issues.  I started seeing a kidney specialist, an orthopedic, back specialist, chiropractor, and a gynecological oncologist.  I have endured many injections and blood draws.  Finally, the end of the year saw me getting a D&C.

Deep down inside, I knew I did not have much time with Chloe.  By the end of 2016, I was quite right.  Poor little girl had developed cancer on her liver and by this month, she stayed with me as long as she could.  Bo and I still hang close together.  I miss her every day.  Quite honestly, I do not sleep too well without her.  I wake up around 2:45 to 3 AM every night.  That was usually when Chloe would want her water.

I had a friend ask me if I was interested in getting a pomeranian puppy.  That person had already looked up the puppy and got all of the details.  I said that I needed to recover financially as well as emotionally.  Also, I do not need someone trying to push something onto me.

Due to all of the pain and physical ailments, I hit a rock bottom with anxiety and depression.  I was tired all of the time and have been so stressed out.  By August time frame, I was watching way too many YouTube videos and being persuaded to buy a lot of items.  I hope to step away from that once this new year starts.

I was blessed with actually winning a large amount of money on a slot machine at WinStar for my birthday.  When I returned to my room for a break, I sat down and cried because I was so grateful.  However, I also felt that this was something to tell me that something bad was going to happen down the line - the money was there to help.  Oddly enough, that would be true.

I managed to see two of my favorite bands, The Cure and Echo and the Bunnymen this year.  My misfortune found me missing a band that I had so much hope to see - Kraftwerk.  I viewed their performance on YouTube and kick myself so much for missing them.  However, my back would not allow that at all.  I was also sad to have missed seeing Garbage, again.

I am grateful to still have a job after a lay-off period.  I may not be safe for next year, but I hope to get some control over my doctor's appointments.  Towards the end of the year, I was so tired of going to a different doctor every week.

I also managed to get noticed on YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter.  Feels good when people like what you have to say.

This evening, I am working on decluttering my living room.  Bo is not particularly happy, but I am making progress.  I am about to go into the kitchen to start on the "finger foods".  First, I have to empty the dishwasher, then put dirty dishes into it.  After that, I will get the shrimp out and cook the meatballs.  I have a veggie tray, hummus, cheese squares, guacamole, fruit, and some bread.  I have the items needed for New Year's Day dinner:  ham, black-eyed peas, cabbage, potato salad, deviled eggs (may make more), corn meal for cornbread, and hope that next year will be better than this year.

I have hopes that 2017 will be much better than 2016.  I hope to do some fun and incredible things for the upcoming year!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Hellish Week...

Quite honestly, I cannot remember the last time I had endured such a hellish week, or for that matter, a freaking couple of months.  As I was walking Bo at one point, I thought about how tired I was and so forth.  I am supposed to be relaxing from work, but yet, I am here and there.

So, on Tuesday, I went to see my ob-gyn to get the results from the D&C and do some post-op evaluation.  I was told I did NOT have cancer.  However, I am one step from having it.  That being said, having the IUD inserted may help with increasing the progesterone levels and alleviate the thickening of the uterine lining.  My ob-gyn referred me to a gynecological oncologist to get "next steps".  When I got home, I called his office to get an appointment and I was able to get in today at 2 PM.  It was simply luck to get into his office this early.

I was told to be there 30 minutes early as I was a new patient.  I got access to a portal and was asked to fill out the "new patient packet", which I did.  I got to the doctor's office at 1:30, but had some issues with getting a parking space and the valet parking was simply a joke.  I found a spot a ways away, but you do what you gotta do, right?  

I am early, but when I come into the office, there is hardly anyone in there.  I submit my paper work and hand over the test results and photos taken from my ob-gyn.  I have to fill out another sheet, but another woman comes in after me.  Next, more people arrive, sign in, and sit in the rather warm waiting room.  These people that came in after me were being asked to go back while I sat and waited.  I won't deny that it really started to piss me off to sit there and wait like that for over an  hour.

Around 2:30, I am asked to enter.  I get my weight, blood pressure, and so forth.  Next, I am sent to a room with a desk and chairs.  I am told that he will be seeing me shortly.  Shortly becomes about 45 minutes later.  Here I am trying to be more attentive as this is important to me, but I cannot help but sit there and look at my phone while I wait.  

When the doctor finally arrives in the room, he sits down and starts talking about the fact that I do not have cancer, but due to the history, he would suggest a hysterectomy, but leave the ovaries.  By the way, he would also suggest that I get a gastric sleeve for weight loss at the same time.  His reasoning was that due to my weight, the fat produces estrogen that causes the normal levels to be high, thus causing this issue.  

While discussing with the doctor, I make the statement that my ob-gyn has inserted a hormonal IUD to help with the shedding of the uterine lining.  He looks at me surprised and says "Brilliant!  You are already being properly treated!  The IUD would bring the progesterone levels up to match the estrogen, so that should help."  His suggestion was to see my ob-gyn to get a 3-6 month ultrasound of my uterus to confirm if the IUD was correcting the issue.  However, he continued to go on about the gastric sleeve.  He even went as far as to say that he had a small group of surgeons that he worked with that were not in it for the "money making" aspect.

Okay - I am not really comfortable with this.  I am already seeing a dietician and a counselor about weight loss.  I have lost some weight and kept it off already, but either way, I am not going to lose this weight overnight.  

I struggled with all of this.  Mainly because I do not wish to get weight loss surgery.  I would rather make good habits stick.  I got angry after communicating this to someone who in return tells me that I need to cut out candy and cakes and such.  I thought of how callous that sounded considering what I had already done for myself in a recent situation.  I brought foods that I could eat to avoid eating the crap that was put out for eating.  I thought I did very well considering all of the starchy food that was presented for the holidays.  It angers me to no end.

This doctor tells me to get a gastric sleeve and earlier this month, at the company holiday party, I have some woman telling me about getting a gastric sleeve.  All the while, my PCP, dietician, and counselor are telling me that I should not go that route - it would only cause complications in the end.

I so wish my mother was here.  I hate all of this!!!  It is not that she would coddle me, but tell me what I need to hear - the voice of reason.  I feel that my gut is telling me - "Look - you can do this!  I know it has been a really rough year, but do not feel pushed into doing something that does not feel right.  You are not feeling that this is a good option - listen to what I am telling you.  You can lose the weight - I know  you can, but do not go down this road.  Once you do, there is no going back."

My gut tells me that the minute that this man looked at me, he immediately went for the weight.  He never took anything else into account - nothing.  That bothers me.  That is why my gut is telling me - "Back away - you can do this and you are doing good work on eating properly.  You just need to work harder and that was what we planned to do.  Do not let someone goad you into something because that is what they think."

So, tonight, I am going to just pray and hope that I get something from that.  My initial thoughts were let's see what happens in 3-6 months.  In the mean time, work on the weight loss the right way.  I can do it and with the right backing, I can make it stick.               

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Chritsmas 2016 - Very Sad This Year...

For me, the first loss this Christmas season was my dog, Chloe.  I still cry from time to time - I try not to cry in front of Bo.  I want him to know I miss her as much as he does, but I do not want him to be sad.  I want Bo to know that we will be okay - we will make it together.

When I saw Midge Ure post about Rick Parfitt's passing, guitarist from Status Quo, that made me incredibly sad.  I remember watching the Band Aid video and how Rick and Francis Rossi would stand together and crack jokes while the others were working on their parts.  I loved Status Quo for their classic 70s glam rock.  

Hearing of Carrie Fisher's heart attack on the plane worried me tremendously.  Honestly, I was quite sure she would not make it because it had happened on the plane from London to LA.  I had not gotten all the information as to where the plane was in the air on that trip, but I held hope that she would pull through this.  My hopes were dashed yesterday morning when it was announced that Carrie passed away.

I loved Carrie for the parts she played.  I saw her on cable doing her one woman show.  I thought the world of Carrie because she was feisty and incredibly funny.  I know she had various issues within her life, but she was such a strong woman and so talented.  When I saw her in the latest Star Wars film, it made the movie feel so warm and special.

On Christmas Day, I was in the car riding to another place where we were to do more celebration for the holiday.  Again, Midge Ure posts something regarding George Michael passing away.  I was totally shocked.  I heard "Last Christmas" and mentioned that George Michael had passed away.  There was some light discussion, but mainly passed.  I was sad because George was such a wonderful singer.  I remembered "Wake Me Up" and other songs that Wham! did.  However, my mind would wonder why he died as he did - peacefully in his sleep.  I knew he had other issues with substance abuse, but I would only hope that was not the cause.  He seemed like such a kind soul, but a bit troubled.

This early evening, the news announced that Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher's mother, had a stroke.  Now, it is being announced that Debbie has passed away as well.  How utterly horrible - I cannot even imagine how gutted Debbie had to be regarding her daughter's death.

This year is ending much like it had begun - losing people dear to us either personally or as a celebrity.  While I realize that beings do die, it is the empty spaces that are left that make it so very sad.  We sure do miss their presence.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Bittersweet Christmas Eve...

This year, Christmas Eve will be very bittersweet.  Last year, I went to the movies to see the latest Star Wars movie.  I had plans to meet with my dear friend, Vickie, for dinner at Estilio Gaucho.  When I got home, I would be greeted by my sweet dogs, Bo and Chloe, go for a walk, then after they finished eating, huddle into bed for the evening.

Vickie passed away in June and Chloe passed away earlier this month.  This year, I will be going to dinner alone.  

I am not afraid of going to dinner alone.  I will just imagine that Vickie is sitting across from me and going on about the woman who demanded a bunch of packages wrapped and she only gave her $2 for her work.  Every year, Vickie would work at the Barnes and Noble bookstore at Northwest Highway, across from NorthPark mall, wrapping packages for donations to her cat rescue.  Some people were generous and others would aggravate her to her very core.  I will miss that.

I will miss Chloe's smiling face and wet kisses to let me know she missed me.  I already miss the bitchy barks when I am not doing what I need to be doing.  I know Bo misses her terribly.  I take him with me just about every time I go out to run errands.  I do not like leaving him by himself too much.  At night, I try to get him to lie close to me, so that I can leave my hand on him - let him know, I love him and we are going to be all right.  It would be what Chloe would have wanted.

The Christmas right before my mother passed away was very bleak.  I had managed to get some presents for my father and something for my mother.  I had gotten her a razor to shave the hair from her chin and an angel that held a charm saying "Mom."  I have the angel sitting in front of my mom's ashes in my living room.  Mom and the "boys" (BJ and Stormy) overlook the living room.  I need to bring Chloe into the living room, but she is in my bedroom at this time.  I am in search of a display case for her paw print and a picture of her.

My prayers are that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and remember those not with you fondly.  Think of the good times and recount the funny.  I will be doing the same today and tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

Missing Packages: Postal Service on Notice...

I realize that I have been on some sort of on-line shopping bender for a few months.  I blame my recent obsession with watching beauty YouTube channels and thinking "I so need this!"  I would search Sephora and Ulta for products and find that the stores were out of the products, so I would have to go on-line and order. 

The other side of that spending bender was that I also subscribed to various beauty subscription services.  I had already been subscribed as a Julep Maven and have tons of nail polish from them.  Starting sometime in August, I subscribed to Ipsy.  Then, I subscribed to Scentsy, BoxyCharm, FabFitFun, and Candy Club.  So, I am receiving quite a bit and feeling like a kid when I get these boxes - always excited for what I am about to receive.

Starting in late November, I had been waiting for a Sephora package.  I had ordered some Beauty Blender products as well as some lip collections.  I began to realize that these items never were delivered.  I searched for the tracking number and found that the package had been rejected and was awaiting pick up at the local UPS store.

What?!  Delivery rejected?  I was at home at the time of the rejection.  I thought, was I in the shower and did not hear the door bell or something?  Usually, Bo and Chloe were excellent in letting me know someone was at the door.  Nada was triggering my mind.

I went to get the package and found that the apartment complex rejected the package because they did not have enough space in their storage closet for everything.  

First, this is a large community in the complex.  A small closet is not going to take care of people starting to order Christmas presents on-line.  Second, why didn't the delivery person just come to the door and deliver?  I was at home and waiting.  It never made much sense, but I got my package.

Over the course of the next 3 weeks, I would find that my packages were being refused delivery and I had to go in search for where they were.  This was simply getting insane when I was already staying close to home to accept these packages.  In fact, I would say that this happened 8 different times.

This last time, I was awaiting my yearly planner and cover from Levenger.  I got my email with my tracking number and noticed the following:

The product is probably put together at a UPS Logistics site, then shipped to another UPS site.  At that point, the package is turned over to USPS for delivery to the customer.  Here is where the situation gets beyond belief.  

So, on Thursday, when I was to receive my package, I waited for delivery.  I left my apartment at 1:30 PM that day to run errands and grab lunch.  I picked up one package from the complex, but it was the Candy Club monthly delivery.  While on my errand run, I checked the status of my tracking number.  "Refused delivery.  Shipping back to sender @ 11:06 AM"

What in the hell?!  I was at home, damn it!  I never got the opportunity to even see the delivery person or package!  This is completely insane.  My thoughts were to quickly wrap up errands and discuss with the apartment complex why they would deny delivery.

When I spoke to the apartment complex management, I was told about how they did not have enough room initially.  I suggested that maybe they should look into using another room or so forth for the holiday season.  Next, the lady explained that the postal service flat out refused to deliver directly to the apartments - statement was that it was not their job.  (At this point, I am livid.)  Furthermore, the post office and the apartment complex were having issues with trying to come to a compromise regarding package delivery.  So now, all packages for any resident were automatically stamped "Refused delivery; shipping back to the sender."

Post office delivery people are out-sourced from a contractor company.  Allow me to say the following that I have observed:  I get someone else's mail quite a bit.  Mail arrives very late in the day.  Most postal delivery people are spending their time talking on their phone every time I see them.  They are worried about being late?

This is the Christmas season - these people should be prepared for the massive amounts of mail to be delivered.  Packages are part of delivering mail and as such, they should be delivered.  If they cannot be delivered to the residence, then at least, put in a notice that the resident can pick up the package at the local post office.  That piece was not being done AT ALL!!!  No note - nothing.

Part of this issue starts with the apartment complex - they need to find another area to store packages - not some small closet.  The other part of the problem lies directly on the postal service's shoulders.  There should be an attempt to deliver packages and if that is not feasible, PUT A NOTE IN THE MAILBOX INDICATING WHERE TO GET THE PACKAGE!!!  That is part of the job!

Needless to say, I left the office more angry than I was going into it.  I decided to start doing some cross tracking on the various tracking numbers.  I discovered this process with my Colourpop order.  I had not received that package and found it was refused delivery.  I got the USPS tracking number, called a 1-800 number, then went through the IVR process to make sure that the package was not sent back to the sender.  I was able to pick it up along with another package from Animal Rescue.

I found the UPS Tracking number and got the USPS tracking number for my Levenger package, then did the same with my BoxyCharm - which was supposed to be delivered to me on 12/10 and I finally get it on 12/23 with effort.

I have emailed the companies that I purchased items requesting information on making sure I can order products and have UPS or FedEx ship directly to my door - no more going through USPS.  I also reported the incident to USPS Postmaster General, Twitter USPS Help account, and contacted a local news channel investigative reports.  Yes, I am that pissed.

BoxyCharm offered to send a replacement package to another address.  I thought that was awfully kind, but I sent them an email indicating it was not necessary since I had been able to get the package.  I feel honesty is the best policy.  I do not want to take advantage of a company due to a situation out of my control.

In the meantime, I am re-evaluating my subscription services and so forth.  The situation with the postal service is insane.  Small wonder why I really do not wish to have more to do with them. 

So, for the rest of you out there, make sure you keep track of your Tracking Numbers and subscribe to the tracking services provided to you.  In some cases, you may have to do the detective work to find your packages.

Sunday, December 18, 2016


I was sitting here looking over some posts.  Every once in awhile, I wonder what the hell I was thinking by uploading without checking my grammar.  Forgive me - this is just very organic.

I saw a post from October with 163 views.  It was a post where I mentioned my concern with Chloe's incontinence issue.  It makes me sad to re-read that.  I was very honest in my concern for her because she was a very good girl about pottying.

After Chloe passed and they took her away, one of the vet techs noticed that she had peed on my shirt.  I said - What is a little pee between friends?  I hug that damn shirt when I break down in my grief.  I miss her so very much.

I try so hard to be strong for Bo.  I hug and love on him to let him know that everything will be okay.  We may not be okay right now, but we will get there.  I know he misses her as much as I do.  However, we are back alone together again.

So, I am always curious who is reading these posts.  These people rarely comment, but they read the posts.  I know of one person that reads my posts and occasionally, that person will comment.  However, I know that person is way too busy to be reading all of them or even one 163 times to make me feel better.

Then, again, I enjoy not dealing with nasty comments.  So, I thank you for that.  It takes a lot to just open up on this sort of forum.  I figure most are not that interested and that is okay.

Time for Bo and I to go for a walk.  I love my special little guy.  I am very glad to have him in my life.  I would take him everywhere with me, but right now, it is too stinking cold.  I try to let him know how much I love him - I always have loved Bo since the first time I saw him on the Pomeranian rescue site.  I am not sure if the rescue still exists, but if it were not for them, I would not have the sweetest, most special little guy.  I know I am blessed.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Never Offer Unsoliticted Advice On the Request of Someone Else...

For the most part, I have had a really shitty month.  I am still awaiting the test results from the D&C performed on me last week.  I get the cramps from time to time.  My back still causes me a great deal of pain on the left side.  That procedure was done 2 weeks ago.  I suppose that the left side was more aggravated than the right side.

Chloe's death hit me like a huge brick wall.  Granted, I knew it was coming, but I thought I had more time with her.  I suppose that was not in the plan.  I miss her so much.  I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking I heard her yap for water.  I raise up to find that she is not there.

Today, the little girls in the neighborhood noticed that Chloe was not with Bo and me on our walk.  I had to tell them that she passed away on Saturday.  They were shocked and upset.  One girl was telling another girl as they walked away about how sweet Chloe was - she was the best dog ever.  I cried because she was a wonderful girl and it touched me how beloved she was to these kids.  They asked me if there would be a funeral.  I might try to set up a small memorial for them.  I know that sounds crazy, but they all wanted to see her.  Now, that will be a problem.  I really do not want to take her box out there and have them begging me to open the box to see inside of it.  I would prefer to leave well enough alone.  I am in search for a frame that will enclose the paw print and a photo as well as a poster board that has the ribbons across it.  I will use the poster board to put various pictures of Chloe from her puppy years to more recent photos.  Use that as her memorial tribute.

The unfortunate part was a really shitty incident at work.  I went for the yearly holiday party.  There, I was approached by someone to discuss me getting a gastric sleeve.  I hardly know this person.  To make the situation worse, this person was asked to talk to me about getting one by someone else, who I do know, a few years ago. 

Lap bands, gastric sleeves, gastric by-passes have all proven to help those people lose weight.  However, one must be in the right frame of mind or have worked out all issues that trigger their overeating.  Otherwise, what doctors are finding is that people getting the surgery as a quick weight-loss fix are gaining the weight back and then some.  I even pointed this out to this person and she refused to believe it.  Her response was "You cannot possibly overeat - you would just throw it back up."

So, she has been successful in keeping 90 lbs off her frame for 3 years.  Congrats!  Another co-worker I know has the lap-band and has been successful keeping off over 130 lbs.  However, having worked with him so closely, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I was there when he could not enjoy pasta, bread, or meat - it was not a pretty sight.  Also, when you get these surgeries, you have to make sure you take the vitamins that your body can no longer absorb.

The other thing I have seen with my friend with the lap-band, he still eats crap.  He eats tons of sweets.  When he starts gaining weight, he just goes back in for another fill.

The way I see it, most of these surgeries require you to lose 40 lbs before they will operate.  My thought - if you can lose 40 lbs, you can lose more on your own.  You do not need surgery.  You need help determining why you return to bad habits/triggers.

My previous PCP suggested I work with a dietician and a counselor to help with my weight loss.  It was obvious that I can lose weight, but I have anxiety issues.  Of course, this person with the gastric sleeve asks me what medication I am on for it.  I am working it out without chemicals - maybe that might help her lose the other 20 lbs she wants to lose?!

I am appalled by both individuals.  The one with the gastric sleeve - I want to ask what triggered her to say anything at all to me if she was asked to have this talk with me a few years ago?  I mean, it was not like I built up a this huge plate of food and went back for seconds, thirds, and so forth.  I can only assume because I mentioned medical issues.  Had she listened to what I told people, I have a degenerative disc.  The problem came about when I had lost 35 lbs.

The other individual - well, I only chalk that up to that person's poor manners.  Same person was giving me some grief about not being in the office.  My boss knows I am working from home and that is the only person that matters.  If this person was so concerned for my health, how about getting to know me better than sitting in the office and giving the excuse that you are too busy.

You know, one should not offer unsolicited advice to people you do not know or even know just a little.  It is rude.  You have no clue what that person is experiencing or even their past.  To even suggest an operation that helped one person, that may not work for another.

Monday, December 12, 2016

My Chloe: November 9, 2000 - December 10, 2016

Saturday, December 10, 2016 at 10:30 PM, Chloe left me to join my mother in heaven.  I know my mom was waiting for her and I am sure she showered Chloe with lots of love.  

All week, she had showed signs of having trouble standing up, but I thought it was due to the arthritis.  I had given her a shot to help ease the pain on Thursday.  Unfortuately, that Friday, her back legs just gave out on her.

By Saturday, she was even worse, but continued to show a strong front to me by always trying to sit up.  God bless her - she simply did not have the strength and my gut was telling me this was it.  However, my heart kept pleading with God that it would just be that she was weak and needed more food or something.

She still ate and drank, but she would not eat a lot of dog food - she wanted people food.  Saturday afternoon, I made boiled chicken breasts and she gobbled that down with zeal.  That was where I had a poor perception - I thought this was a good sign.

I went to lie down by her on my bed for an hour and my gut kept telling me that I needed to take her to the vet.  I finally obeyed what my gut was telling me, so I gathered her into her soft pink baby blanket to keep her warm.  It was cold outside and I did not want her shivering.  I got Bo and we all went for that last potty walk.

 Chloe could barely stand, but she managed to potty and we left for the I-20 Animal Hospital.  My friend, Laurie, went with me because I was having so much trouble with my back and still cramping from the D&C.  It was a lot to carry Chloe and manage Bo, but I was determined we all go.

We got her to the vet's office and they immediately took her to ICU.  She got hooked up to an IV and was put into an oxygen tank.  Her breathing was labored.  The doctor said that she was not in any pain, but she was breathing really heavy.  He said that she seemed like a fighter, so he thought it would be a good idea to keep her overnight and see if her situation would improve.  I wanted to take Laurie back home, then come back and stay with Chloe.  Bo would be with me as well.

On the way back, the vet's office called with the blood work results.  It was really bad.  It showed that everything was extremely high and the situation was grave.  I thank God for Laurie being there because she pointed out that the vet was not really being upfront about the prognosis.  I called back and asked the hardest question - is her system shutting down?  He finally had to tell me that it was.  So, I said, I would rush back and we would euthanize her.  I turned the car around and raced back as quickly as I could.

Before I left, Chloe tried to show me what a real trooper she was.  She tried to sit up for me and I told her -  Please, sweetie - save your strength.  I need you to fight for me - I need you to get better and come home.  You cannot leave me just yet.
I will always wonder if she gave up because when I left she may have thought I gave up on her.  I had not given up on her.  I was going to come back for her - Sissy needs her!

When we got there, she was pretty much gone, but she did look me in the eye for a bit.  I told her it was okay.  She no longer needed to be strong.  It was time to take a nap and get her strength to see momma.  I said that momma was coming to get her and she would be so happy to have her precious girl with her.

After that, the doctor came in and gave her the shot and I held her the entire time.  I felt her take her last breath and lost it.  My precious sweetie was now gone.  I felt like all kinds of hell.  I felt I had let her down through the past few weeks with my own issues.  I had planned out this was going to go down and this was not the way it was supposed to be.  I had wanted her vet to come to the apartment and I hold her, so that she would not be scared or at the vet's office.  Of course, God forbid that her passing would happen that way - no, it had to be at the vet's office with another vet, and I am sure she was scared.  I was angry with how that part went down.  It was not fair because she deserved so much better.  The only person I blame is myself.

Bo licked her face after she passed.  When we finally got home, he walked around the apartment with his tail down.  I hugged and petted him.  I told him I missed her as much as he did. 

I loved both dogs.  Chloe was my mother's dog.  Her passing closes the chapter in my life regarding my mother.  I always found comfort with Chloe because she was a part of my mom's life.  Now, that is gone.

Chloe is very special to me in other ways than my mom.  You see, after the experience with BJ, where he never quite liked me until towards the end of his life, Chloe loved me from the start.  I was her "sissy" and human playmate.  I would get on the floor with her and play tug of war until her heart's content.  I cared for her when my mom was not feeling well.  When I moved out of the house, she would wait for me to return on Friday nights.  She missed her "sissy."

When my parents would come to visit me, she knew the exact apartment, even though she had never been there.  Once she was there and got her love from me, she was ready for "all" of us to leave.  She never liked it when I did not go with them.

The one time I know she was really angry with me was when I adopted Bo and brought him over to the house.  She was not a happy dog.  However, over the years, the two of them bonded, especially over the time my mother was dying.  Towards the end of her life, I would find her cuddled up next to Bo in my bed.

Everyone tells me what a good mom I was to Chloe and she could not have asked for better.  I beg to differ.  Upon reflection, she deserved to be in a house where she had a backyard.  It would have been better than being on a leash and having to be walked.  

Chloe deserved so much more than I could really give her.  However, my greatest joy and my reason for my torn heart, she loved me so much.  Even though she was my mom's dog, she was always "Daddy's girl".  I thought she would always be that, but I won her heart by always being there for her.  After awhile, she no longer cared if my dad left.  She was more worried about losing me.

Chloe showed me that I could be loved - I was not an odd-ball.  Bo loves me as well, but I think it took having Chloe in my life to teach me the right way to go about being loved by a dog.  Dogs are loving and trusting souls, but they also sense bad people.  I told people that if someone's dog ever attacked Bo or Chloe, I would have no fear of protecting them, even if it meant me harming the other dog.  Even today, as I write this, I would kill the other dog, animal, or person for harming either Bo or Chloe.  

Chloe was not just my pet, she was my sweetheart, buddy, and most precious.  I feel the exact same for Bo.  However, Chloe was the first to help me open my heart after Stormy's death.  I thank God that I have Bo during this time.  I feel sad that right now, I have no plans to get another dog.  I need the time to recover financially and taking on another dog right now does not make much sense.

Last night, Bo and I sat on the balcony looking at the night sky.  I can only hope that Chloe and my mother are reunited.  I hope that Chloe is letting my mom know that sissy did a good job and how much she loved me.  This is my way to telling Chloe one last time how so very much I love her...and always will.