Monday, March 31, 2014

Toxic Relationships...

It is always difficult to make a decision to end a relationship.  I find it is more difficult to end it when the person involved really needs the help of friends.  I have come to this crossroad in my life. 

My friend's son is doing drugs.  You would think he hit rock bottom, but obviously, it was not rock bottom for him.  He is fortunate to have a job.

The son has been abusive to his mother.  She has put so much money into getting her son out of his various troubling issues time and time again.  He has hit her and even set a blanket on fire in her house when he got angry.

Here is the situation I find myself:

While I do not want anything horrible to happen to this man, he has to learn that he cannot abuse his relationships and expect those people to continue to enable him.  My problem is I was trying to explain to my friend that she has got to cut the ties.  My friend and her ex-husband keep giving him pre-paid gas cards.  I realize the gas cards are only good at those places, but again, that is enabling him.  She would not listen to me and started yelling at me that she needed to make sure that he kept his job.  I started yelling because she is always yelling at me, which I do not care.  I tried desperately to say that he has got to learn he has a job and that money needs to go to sustaining himself. 

I am not a horrible person and I never want to see someone lose their job.  At what point, do you stop enabling?  Or is giving him gas cards not an enabling act?  Maybe I am wrong here.

I apologized and paid for dinner.  However, when I got home, I reflected on the situation.  This is not the first time she has yelled at me or even condemned me for something I have said.  Rather than listen, she takes on a rather harsh and condescending tone to me all of the time.  I came to the decision that it is probably time to take a break from this relationship.

I hate to do that to her as she needs her friends to help her through this particular situation.  However, how much abuse do I need to receive because of it?

It is all very confusing.

Health Changes - Week 13

Honestly - I have been off the health change for 2 weeks.  Hardly making my 10,000 steps, but still trying to maintain eating healthy foods.  Still, I feel out of sorts. 

I got recharged after seeing my endo on Thursday.  He made me feel a lot more comfortable about my blood urea numbers.  He validated that I have no signs of kidney disease.  Also, he was quite happy about my weight loss.  I feel recharged to continue to eat better and exercise.  It is really important to do this.

The endo wants to ween me off of insulin shots and get me on a new medication that will not only work on my blood sugar, but also help me lose weight.  So, I must remember, these are only tools, not a way of life.  The thing that really keeps the weight off is eating right and exercising.

Personal trainer works really hard in making working out fun.  Last week, I worked out on a bonsu ball.  Basically, it is half a ball and you stand on it for balance.  Once I got my balance, which keeps moving around, I had to do squats and lift weights.  It was fun and she stated that I was doing really well.  I just need to make sure I make it to the gym to do a lot of these exercises.  I neglected to walk after my Thursday work out with the trainer.  I paid for that mistake.  My thighs and glutes have been aching all weekend.

I have also started drinking more hot tea.  I drink Twinnings Breakfast tea in the morning and Earl Grey during the day.  It is actually quite settling for me.  Also, I add honey for just a bit of sweet.  Also, I had read that if you use local honey, it can help with your allergies.  At least, it is not sugar substitute.  I am going to get rid of all sugar substitute in my apartment.  I really do not like it, but more over, I think it really makes me feel a lot worse.

So, I begin my 13th week with the meal replacement shakes.  I am going to cut up an orange and apple for my snacks.  I need to make sure that I drop enough weight before I go back into the endo's office in May.  It feels like a lot of work, but if I keep trying to make it fun, it will be fine.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Incurring Self Doubt...

Not really reaching dark days, but definitely experiencing a time where I am just tired of trying.  Whatever it is that I do, others find fault and after awhile, I wonder - why are you bothering?

Right now, I am trying not to concentrate on that.  Tomorrow morning, I see the endo doctor.  I am taking my blood work paperwork with me and will insist on some answers.  I have been in such a rut since the PCP made the comment that I need to be seeing a specialist.  My personal trainer, bless her, tried to get me out of that funk by telling me not to worry and all would be okay.  Everything I had been doing was not for nothing.

I gave up.  I lost my will because someone else made me think that there is something so wrong with me that I would never be able to lose this weight.

I have to regain my positive outlook.

I will see where sleep will get me through tonight.

it's time to remove everything unessential in your life.

Pairing down to essentials frees up energy and brings simplicity that are necessary for happiness.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Ooops - System Reboot Resulted in BSD...

My system reboot turned into a system crash.  Nutshell, I fell off the wagon.  Only a couple of days, I actually made 10,000 steps.  I hardly made any effort to work out, which was bad.  It was just a very crazy week.

I also gained about 4 lbs.  So, there is my proof that the best weight loss equation for me is the following:

  • Portion control
  • Drink LOTS of water
  • Accountable for what I put in my mouth
  • Exercise
I noticed that when I was in the office, I was more inclined to look for something to put in my mouth.  I got smart by Friday and made sure I brought in fruit and vegetables for snacking.  That helped a lot in making me feel full.

Today, I get back on the proverbial wagon and get back to what I was doing.  I was doing well and working pretty hard on it.  I know what works best and it does not fail me.

During this "off" week, I have noticed that my blood sugar has gone up considerably in the mornings.  Then, again, I have been skipping taking my Lantus at night.  I have felt pretty drained and exhausted.  I need to shake off the funk and get with it.  I cannot let that drag me down and start gaining weight.

I just need to find that "right" balance of watching what I eat and not be obsessive about it.

Here is to a new start - start fresh with a new, positive perspective:

God's Message to Me:

within each heart is a spark of the Divine.

These sparks of Divinity and love can reach into the darkness and transform it. However, there may be times when you need to shine your heart extra brightly because others may be struggling to keep their spark alive. Let your light bring hope to a situation that feels dark and hopeless.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

System Reboot Time...

Some times, when your computer starts acting whacky, it is always time for a good reboot.  Clear out whatever is in memory and restart.  After getting on the scale today, I think it is time for me to do the same thing.

Last week, I was so proud and excited that I had gotten down to 276.9.  Today, I weight 279.5.  *sigh*  Very annoying.

I have been going out to eat a lot and having difficulty making sure I record what all I am eating.  At the same time, I am not finishing everything on my plate.  Still, because I am not recording what I am eating, I would safely assume that I am eating more than I should.

It is time for me to reboot.  Crack down and be more observant.  This is not a difficult task, but I have found that my world has been revolving around nothing but the weight loss.  If I take my focus off of that for a minute, I feel I have lost it.

So, let's follow this logic:  I need to quit obsessing over losing weight and exercising.  Yes - I need to be aware of what I am eating and make sure I get in some exercise every day.  However, I need to get more control around it and not allow it to take up my whole life.  Quite frankly, it should be possible for me to better plan out what I am going to eat and create healthy eating plans and schedule in my exercise. 

Sometimes, I have also found too much information can be such a drain.  Everyone has their own way to handling weight loss.  Heaven knows that there are so many books written on the matter.  I get a lot of advice and so much of it is so conflicting.  While I will say, drinking water is never bad for you, I will say the ways everyone has gone about it is amazing.  Never drink water while you are eating.  Drink 8 oz of water before each meal.  Never drink carbonated water...and the list goes on...

I just need to settle down, refocus, and be steady.  I will do this and so what if I gained a few pounds.  I am now officially in my new group, I got to enjoy the company of someone I have not seen in quite awhile, and sometimes, it is good to just let my hair down, so to speak.

So - here is to getting my weight loss groove back, but not allow it to consume me.  Also, for a new life adventure.  Today, I start my Beginning Writer's Course

God's Message to Me:

love is a great investment.

A new house, a valuable stock portfolio and precious gems may seem like good investments. But will they be there to comfort you in difficult times? Share your joy in good times? Or sit by you as you breathe your last breath? Invest some time and energy in loving others and watch your investment grow.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Time to Regain Focus...

The past few days, I found myself going into a depressive tail spin.  I allowed a lot of things to affect me.  Yesterday, while I was at work, I noticed I was grabbing candy to eat for no reason.  I recognized I had no control over myself.

Today, I got on the scale and noted I had gained about a pound or so.  This is normal - I try to tell myself.  At the same time, I feel I have allowed myself to go out of control. 

This is the first step and it is huge.  I recognize when I am going down the wrong road.  I need to get back on the horse and make sure I am going down the right path.

My biggest worry is that I am about to lose control and that is not what I want to do.  I have noticed that I cannot complete eating a meal at a restaurant because I get full.  This is a good sign.

I cannot seem to get as much water into my system.  I just never feel thirsty, but I know I need to drink more water.

Must continue to move forward!

God's Message to Me:

you can only give away what you already have inside yourself.

True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own self with these emotions.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Am I Doing Wrong Here?

For the past week, due to schedule conflicts, I have yet to make it into the gym to do any of the strength training exercises.  I woke up early to head over to the gym and found out that it is not open until 1 PM.  My schedule today is still a bit tight.

I have resolved myself to try to do some of the exercise ball routines here in the apartment, then do 30 minutes of walking in place.  At least, I can say, I did get some activity done today.  Tomorrow, head into the gym early and work on the recent set of strength training exercises.

Still, I wonder in my mind if I am doing the wrong thing.  Hockey season is almost over and this week, I do not have a home game to attend until Saturday afternoon.  This week was a bit nutty with getting to see Elton John, then a home game the following night.  Yesterday, I went in search of a heart monitor for when I do workouts.  Not thrilled with those that require a band to wear because they never fit.

Anyway, I need to quit looking at the negative aspect of this.  I do work on walking in place when I cannot make it to the gym, so that is a positive.  I suppose with all of the crud that hit me this week, I am having a rather downer day.  My thoughts make me think - Just throw in the towel.  Why are you bothering with this?  You get better and find out something else is wrong with you.  You probably won't be able to exercise again!

However, my heart keeps telling me - you have come this far, don't give up.  Okay, so there may be another problem - you have faced adversity before and you will do it again and again.  Take the issue head on, deal with it, but never give up.  As for falling for someone who is completely unattainable - that is why they are called crushes.  Quit worrying over that - God will handle that for you - he has not forgotten you.  He has reminded you that you can love and you do have feelings, but God obviously has someone else much more fitting for you.  Let that go and let him handle that.  No sense in worrying over that.

It is just so hard not to worry.  I worry about letting myself down.  I worry that something horrible is going to happen and I will have major set backs.  I just worry.

I just need to take a step back and remind myself - you can do this and you will get to where  you need to be.  What you have accomplished is HUGE!  You have not failed and you won't as long as you keep with the program and make it a part of your life.  That is the most important piece - this has to be a part of my life.  It has to be what makes me "ME".  Just like I accepted having diabetes as part of my life, I must accept being active and enjoying life as part of "ME."

God's Message to Me:

peace will come when you let the presence of God settle into your heart.

If there is to be peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations. If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities. If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbors. If there is to be peace between neighbors, there must be peace in the home. If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Week 10 - Progress Report - Medical Establishment Causes Much Frustration...

I finally made it through the two weeks of Glucerna shakes.  For the next two weeks, I will be able to eat healthy food for breakfast and lunch.  Honestly, I cannot wait to get back to doing that.  Primarily, that would be because I do not have as many blood sugar drops.

For my weight, I reduced my mini-goal weight down to 275 and currently, I weigh 276.9.  I feel really good about that.  I am still pretty OCD about measuring my food, but I have found a lot of really interesting recipes that are tasty.  I am also getting better on handling my portion sizes and for me, that is a really huge step.

Last night, at the Stars game, I realized that I was getting better at walking up the hill as well as walking down to the station.  I would get a bit out of breath, but now, I do not and I am getting better at maintaining with the crowd.  That meant a lot.

I am still drinking water as much as I can.  Where I have the most issue is when I try to get a gallon of water drank in a day.  Not sure why, but the past couple of weeks, I just have not been able to do it.  I am conscious of it, so I am trying harder on that.

On Monday, I got a steroid shot in my hand to relax the tendon causing my trigger finger.  It did hurt like hell and it was bruised for a few days.  Now, I can just about close my fist without a whole lot of pain.  I do hope that this one shot will work.  I would really hate to have to go back for another shot.  Ugh.

The most confusing and concerning problem has to do with my new general practitioner.  My previous GP left the practice in order to be with her family in New Mexico.  When I went to visit the new GP, I had to fill out all of the paperwork as if I were a new patient.  I had my blood drawn for 3 month testing.

I do not get any information regarding my blood work results until I had to call to find out.  The doctor had the results for over two weeks.  I was happy to know my A1C had dropped from 7.3 to 5.9.  My cholesterol, triglycerides, and other numbers I usually watch were down to normal levels.  I felt really good that the changes have been making in my life were really making a difference.

On Friday, the doctor's office calls while I was out walking the dogs.  I call back and am informed blood urine numbers and such were elevated.  High level, I know that this is because the blood work shows a large amount of protein is showing.  I ask the nurse what I am to do about this or what will happen and I get "I really don't know, but the doctor wants to know if you are seeing a specialist for the issue".  Excuse me?!  I filled out new patient information and provided all doctors I was seeing - that was just the endo as there were no others!  What is the problem?!

To compound matters, the new GP is not available for a visit to help me understand these numbers, what they mean and how I can work to lower them.  I cannot see her for another 3 weeks?!  This is completely absurd.

When I was in the office, the nurse stood there and complained about how the endo office was not communicating with them or sending them information.  Furthermore, the GP wanted to know why the endo was not taking care of the blood pressure, cholesterol, and triglyceride medication.  My previous GP had originally prescribed these medications to me.  What exactly is the issue here?

Friday, I drove over to the doctor's office and got my blood work paperwork, then hand delivered them over to the endo office.  I have a copy of my blood work done back in September as well as my current blood work results.  Since I have an appointment at the endo office in two weeks, yours truly is going to make it a point to ask about these numbers, what do I need to worry about as well as what can I do about lowering these numbers.

It really bothers me to be asked if I am seeing a specialist for a problem that I have no idea that I have.  Last time, the endo indicated that these numbers were elevated, but nothing to worry over at this time.  Now, the GP has me worried that something more wrong is happening.  It is so discouraging.

After the incident, I was really upset.  I felt like I needed to just give up, but I decided that was not a good idea.  I had come too far and if I gave up because someone is just a pain, that was wrong.

I have realized what a real geek and nerd I am.  I have spent most of the day watching The Big Bang Theory.  I love it!

God's Message To Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

God doesn't give you what you want, God gives you according to who you are.

Change who you are to change your life.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Just When I Felt All Was Lost...

Been spending the day trying to shake the funk.  One of the things I wanted to get was the blood test results from the doctor's office.  At the endo's office back in December, my A1C number was 7.3.  It was lower than the previous reading of 8.7, and even lower than when I first visited the endo - 13.2.

I finally got hold of the doctor's office and I got the information I needed.  My A1C was 5.9.  Wow!  5.9!  I actually cried when I left work and got into my car.  In all of the years I have been managing this disease, I have never been able to get below 7.  This was a HUGE break through for me.

My Cholesterol was 116, Triglycerides 86. 

You have no idea how wonderful it feels to have made such drastic changes in my life and seeing these results.  Sure, I wanted to go celebrate with a huge piece of cheesecake.  I resisted the urge because my weight is still not where I want it. 

In 3.5 months, I have achieved so much and there was a lot of hard work and determination done.  Yes, I had my cheat days.  I needed those in order to feel normal.  I needed my occasional sweet, but constantly reminding myself to never over do. 

The hard part is about to start - making sure I keep those number in "normal" levels.  I am nowhere finished - I am just getting started.

God's Message to Me Today:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

your friends are one of your greatest blessings.

Take time to spend time with them. Nurture them. Friends enrich your life immeasurably. They make good times better and hard times easier. Be good to your friends and love them well.

This is very true.  So many people I call my friend have been there cheering me on during all of this.  Getting the support has meant so much to me.  It is good to know so many people are on my side to get this weight off of my frame.  It means so much!

Sometimes, I Am Too Obsessive...

I have allowed myself to become way to obsessive about a particular thing.  It is not the weight-loss, although, making these changes was because of that obsession.  Today, in a more positive light, I realize I cannot make certain events/people happen.  Sometimes, I live too much in a dream world where things are not very realistic.  What I need to do is shake that off and be real about it all.

I won't go in much detail because I am ashamed to have fallen into that trap, yet, again.  Reality hits hard, but it is always the truth that cannot be denied.  In abstract, there are things I can make happen and those are projects I have control.  Those are the things I should direct those obsessive tendencies.  Not the ones where there is absolutely no chance in hell of happening as I have no control.

On an even more positive point, I am under the 280 mark.  I weighed today and my weight is 278.2 - I have lost 35 lbs since January.  Last night's workout still has me feeling tired, but not weighed down.  I sweated a lot, but I expect that while lifting weights.  It is not easy, but it is very important to me to build up my muscles so that I can endure longer.  I have 12 week sessions planned out, so I have that commitment to do it.  I hope that it allow me to inspire myself to try yoga and other classes there for mixing it up a bit and not overdoing it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Getting that Wayward Feeling...

Getting that depressing feeling waving over me.  I try to resolve myself that not everything is set in stone.  Life has changes, you just have to roll with the punches.  So what if things do not work out as you wish - get around it and refocus on what is important.

I have never been much of a religious person.  I just wonder sometimes if I am forgotten.  I pray that someone is listening, but apparently, I am pretty thick headed.

Maybe this is why I need to head to bed after an hour rough work out.  :-) 

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

the world is an abundant place.

So far, everyday of your life you have had enough to survive. Whether it was water, food or shelter, one way or another, you had enough. Why would tomorrow be any different? God has created an abundant world, live in appreciation of that.

"Don't Give Up"...

Monday, March 10, 2014

Slow Day...

I simply did not get it done today.  I have gotten a little less than 8000 steps in today.  It has been a rather crazy day.  I did manage to lose another couple of lbs.  I now weigh 282.

I visited a hand specialist to check on my "trigger finger" problem on my left hand.  I ended up getting a steroid shot.  I pray that this will work.  My hand is bruised from the shot and it hurts.  Not something I would recommend, but the alternative is out-patient surgery to remove the tendon.  I really do not want to deal with that.

I signed up for a Writer's course.  I thought this would be a good start with helping me look at a more creative side - a good outlet for me.

Looking forward to meeting with my personal trainer tomorrow.  I like feeling as though I am actually making a change in my life.  My objective is to become more active to the point that I really do not realize how active I really am.  Not the sort of active where I am constantly worn out, but the one where I am out there doing something and really enjoying it.

While I was seeing the hand specialist, the doctor suggested weight loss surgery.  I stated that it was a last resort.  I was already working on losing weight by eating healthy, re-learning portion control, and making sure I add exercise of some sort into my daily routine.  When I told her I had already lost 30 lbs since the beginning of January, I always feel I have to justify myself.  The point is - I am doing it - REALLY!  I have the proof with the FitBit application.  Everything that goes in my mouth is registered there.  My activity is registered on the application  as well.  I am working hard to hold myself accountable because I know I can do this.  I can do it without drugs and surgery.  I do not want to take the fast and quick route because it only leads to something bad.

This process forces me to relearn what I need to know to keep burning calories.  Also, it will help me keep from gaining weight.  I did phen-phen and it was just a tool.  I started gaining weight back when I quit exercising.  That is why it is so important for me to keep this up.  I need to know what is at the end of this journey.  What will life present to me?

God's Message to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the shell of the seed must break, that its heart may grow into a tree, so must you know pain.

Not sure what to make of this...

Somber Moments...

As much as I love hockey, I do care about the players on my favorite team and tonight, something very extraordinary happened and sobered me.  One player, as he was coming off the ice, passed out and was treated for a cardiac issue.  Come to find out, this player was diagnosed with an irregular heart beat during "spring training."

Right now, my thoughts and prayers are with his family and him.  Nothing is quite as scary as seeing something like that happen before your eyes.  I am elated that he is in stable condition and love that he wanted back on the ice.  However, I would rather see this wonderful player get better before hitting the ice again.

The incident reminds me of how precious life truly is.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Getting the Balance Right...

Let's see - I am finishing my 9th week of this journey to find the "new" me.  The one thing I cannot seem to get a handle is getting the balance right.  Every time I get back to doing the Glucerna Hunger Smart shakes, I have a lot more blood sugar drops.  It is pretty annoying.

Yesterday, I did my strength training.  I think I might have avoided the achy muscles had I walked more the first time.  Since I was up early, I walked for about 5 minutes, then went through my work out as the trainer described.  Next, I got back on the treadmill and walked another 30 minutes.  I did not experience the soreness I had on Wednesday and Thursday.  Now, only one of two things could be the issue:  I either did the exercises wrong or by walking a bit more, that resolved the issue.

I did buy an exercise ball to do some of the strength training while I am at home.  I figure a little bit here and there would help.

While I was at "The Y", I saw some of the exercise classes in session.  I loved seeing the Zumba class as well as the step aerobic class.  They look like a lot of fun.  I also watched the people doing the spinning class.  Wow!  I was really impressed.

I think the decision to join "The Y" was a good one.  Granted, this particular Y does not have a pool, I am fine with that.  The people and facility are both very nice.  I might try the yoga class there as well.  I know I may never be super athletic, but I would love to be in better shape.

The one thing I am trying to keep in mind is not to do too much.  Sure, I would love to join these classes and give them a go, but I do not want to overwhelm myself.  I know I feel better when I am more active.  I have noticed that I do handle myself a bit better.  I still have low point bouts, but those do not go on for days and days.  I believe those occur when I have doubts with what I am truly capable of being able to do.

God's Message to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you can be an echo of your past, or the glory of your future.

Past is connected to future through the present. At this very moment, at every moment, you are choosing to carry on the past with all its troubles on your shoulders, OR to let it go and see bright future pull your forward. Choose wisely.

My plan is to work forward...

Friday, March 7, 2014

Trying New Things...

I subscribe to Diabetic Living and pick up Cooking Light magazines from time to time.  I found some really interesting recipes to try.  Last night, I made their lighter version of chicken parmesan with spaghetti.  It took a little time to put it all together, which was a mistake on my part.  New recipes, I usually try on the weekends because of time.  However, the only problem I had with the meal was a bit too much crushed red pepper flakes.  I will probably alter the recipe to use stewed tomatoes because I do not need a heavy sauce and like chunky pieces of tomato.

There is a recipe for fried chicken that I may try because heaven knows, I certainly could not pick up any fried chicken at the fast food places and eat it.  LOL

God's Message to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

true faith flowers from and through doubt.

If you never questioned your beliefs, - you are just a puppet dancing to somebody's strings. If God had wanted your mindless obedience, you would've been created without mind and without free will. But you have both so you can come to God of your own accord. Just look at the lives of saints, - most of them had gone through a dark night of the soul, and that's why their faith was so strong. The path to true faith always goes through doubt. So ask those questions you've always been afraid to ask, and find the answers, and then your faith will become unshakable.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Humility and Looking for a Creative Outlet...

I have a huge tendency to over think various things.  As I was getting ready to rush off to work yesterday, I thought about my blog entry and realized I made a huge mistake.  I know I said I laughed when Random Cathy told me about my being inspiration for her trying her FitBit again.  The reason I laughed is that I could never see myself as being someone's inspiration.  Cathy has been a great source of inspiration for me.  She is such a pure positive light and I love how I feel after spending time chatting.  I actually look at the positive than the negative.

I have been working on doing more looking at the positive than the negative.  However, with problem-solving situations at work, I tend to look at the negative because there are some courses that can lead you to have more headaches than others.  However, I see that from the work stand point.

I have been working on writing a fictional story.  Not really sure where it all will go, but writing has been something I have done off and one for quite some time.  I was looking at Collin County Community College Education To Go courses and thought I would give it a shot.  Sort of exercise the creative part of my brain for a bit and step away from the technology.  Perhaps, this would bring a fresh breath of air to me.

I am still sore from the exercises that I did with the trainer on Tuesday.  I am going to make an effort to go to the gym today and do those exercises again.  Tomorrow, I will go looking for a foam roll to help massage my thighs.  That seems to be the one place where I have the most soreness.  I tried doing some stretching exercises last night, but that did not help.

God's Message to Me for Today:

Today, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know that ...

when whispers do not get your attention, bricks will fly your way.

Don't speed through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention. Slow down and be present.

Well - sometimes, I need a brick to hit me to see/hear some things.  :-)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Negativitiy Hits!

Everyone follows a pattern to help them in life.  For me, I realized the pattern for losing weight was a combination of two factors:  Exercise and Portion Control.  It has always worked in the past and seems to help now.  I admit that I got the FitBit in an effort to help me find where I could be more active.  The long and short of it - all I needed to do was walk.  I never needed to run, jog, lift weights, or anything like that.  Just walk.

Last night, a friend called to go on about how she bought the FitBit and it just was not going to work out for her.  There was no way she was going to be able to get 10,000 steps in per day.  Next, she did not want to enter her food in the system because she was doing another program.  Also, was having a problem analyzing the sleep information.

I get all of this information right before I have my first visit with my personal trainer.  That stuff weighed heavily on my mind and it should not have.  This friend asked about the FitBit and I told her what it could do.  All similar pedometer devices are going to provide the consumer with a program to track their progress and without any doubt, suggest that you enter your calories consumed to help you with your health.  It only makes sense because that is what the public would want - "I want an app that does this!"

What I think bothered me the most was just the blatant negative.  If you cannot get the 10,000 steps in, fine, look for something that won't require pressure on your feet.  Bottom line, she was me a year ago, providing every excuse for why I could not do something.  I did not want to be one of those people anymore.  I did not want to be dragged down into the negative because I felt I was being a drain on my friends who were the most positive and inspirational. 

Random Cathy and I met at the nail salon for some friend time.  I know I talked a lot about the reunion stuff and losing the weight, but I felt good and not dragged down.  I thought it was funny that she told me that I inspired her to give her FitBit a reprieve and try again. 

The bottom line - I am not here to sell the FitBit program to anyone.  What I am doing is a mixture of doctor's orders and overall, "Look!  You are not happy with yourself and the only one to change that is YOU!"  I am trying to do what I can to lose the weight - I want it off and I want to feel some sense of accomplishment.  I just want to be healthy, so that I can do the things I have always wanted to do.

There are no guarantees in this life that my relationship situation will change, so I am not relying on weight loss for that.  This is a journey I need to take in order to find out what other things are in store for me with less weight on my frame.  What cool clothes could I wear?  Would I be more fashionable and have the style and grace I have always imagined I could have?  I won't know until I lose the weight.  So, there is more here than meets the eye.  It is all part of the theme for this year - Re-make/Re-Model. 

In the end, there are many reasons for me to lose this weight.  It is just time to do it.

By the way, the personal trainer at YMCA is super sweet and very positive.  I like her and she is fabulous.  I made it known that at my age, I am not looking to be ripped.  Just looking to strengthen my muscles everywhere and tone it up a bit.  All in accordance to being healthy and keep losing the weight.  She was great with that.

Side Note:  She is not a morning person like me so that is so great!

Today, my shoulders and legs still feel a bit like jello, but I will get over that soon.  The exercises the trainer provided are easy enough for me to do, so I am looking forward to trying to do those again in the next couple of days.  Time for me to get in some MI-5 and walk in place before heading into work.

God's Message to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

as you surrender to divine providence in your life, you will feel lifted and carried and held.

All is well, all is well, all is well.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy...

For a downside note, I am not completely all happy, happy, joy, joy because Chloe is at the vet's office.  Today, Bo and she are getting their teeth cleaned and she will be getting her blood re-tested.  I know God will do what is best for her, but I simply worry about losing her.  I know it will break my heart terribly.  She is what I have left that my mom loved more than life.  So, I try to put my worrying into God's hands and hope that I can get some more borrowed time to spend with her.  I remember when mom first got her, she was only 9 weeks old and she loved me so much.  I was her "sissy" and even though she played rough, she was my little protector.  These past several days, I have cherished the time I get to spend with her as well as the feeling of love when she snuggles up in the bed with me. 

I can officially say that I have lost 30 lbs.  I got on the scale this morning and it showed me that I weighed 283.5.  I was truly excited and grateful. 

My biggest fear is letting myself down at this point.  With talk of Chloe being seriously ill and the possibility of losing her, that frightens me to no end.  I am afraid her loss may cause me to spiral out of control again.  I am trying so hard to just keep it together right now.  It is completely insane.

I know that these fears are probably baseless, but at the same time, I remember losing weight before I got Bo.  With the stress of work, school, and home, I let it all go.  Another time, I let it all go because some guy stood me up and made me feel like garbage.  I just have to resolve myself that should, God forbid, something happen with Chloe, I need to take time to grieve over it, but do not lose focus.  It is not what she would want.  She would want "Sissy" to be healthier and not sink.

God's Message to Me Today:

Today, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know that ...

you matter.

People need you. People you love and even people you have never met are depending on you. You matter to God as well. No one else can be the person you were created to be. Do not think for a minute that you are not important; - the world needs you. God needs you.

What a profound message.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Going Into Week 8...

Starting tomorrow, I say good-bye to having regular, healthy food for breakfast and lunch.  I will be back to doing the Glucerna shakes for the next two weeks for breakfast and lunch.  I feel I need to sort out how to supplement my snacks appropriately to avoid any low blood sugar crashes.

I am only a couple of ounces away from being officially 30 lbs lighter.  Wow!  My hope is to lose a bit more before 3/27 when I see my endo for an update.  I am trying hard to make sure I meet or surpass my 10,000 step goal.  Since the version release, that has been a more difficult task because people want me to sit on the phone.  However, the point is to make sure to be more active and I am not happy when I am not active.

Since I have started getting more active, I decided to join YMCA just down the street from where I live.  I also signed up to get a personal trainer for about 12 weeks.  I stand in front of the TV and walk in place every day.  That is fine, but I need to be able to shape a bit.  Not get ripped, but tone and strengthen.

I have already talked to my trainer and we are to meet on Tuesday.  She is a very positive sounding person and likes that I am already doing a lot of the things she wants to see, counting calories, walking and etc.

I went out with a high school friend to listen to a fellow classmate's band.  The band was really good.  We had dinner at the place and I got full pretty quickly, so I am glad that part is beginning to take effect.  I just need to continue drinking more and more water.  There are some days I can get 128+ oz down no problem and other days, I just do not make it.  I have found drinking water has helped considerably.  The unfortunate part is I do not think I can ever get 2 gallons of water down me each day.  Maybe I am wrong.

Yesterday, the weather was so beautiful and nice.  Today, freezing cold.  Winter is not going down without a fight.  LOL

God's Message to Me for Today:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

the sounds of Nature can lift your spirits.

Take time to revel in the joyful songs of the birds, the splash of a bubbling brook, the whisper of the wind through the trees, and the roar of the ocean's waves. These sounds can deeply nourish your soul.

Well, I would, but it is so stinking cold outside that I don't think the birds want to bother and the brook is frozen.  LOL  :-)