Wednesday, November 28, 2012

New turns...

I did my fasting and went into the doctor's office with my head held high and taking responsibility for my failures to keep up with what I need to do.  Oddly enough, my cholesterol numbers, good and bad, were fabulous.  My doctor was thrilled over that.  However, I went up a point on my A1C and my triglycerides were elevated.  Not good, but honestly, I knew that was going to happen.

Thankful that I only went up a small amount, but I need to reverse that.  Furthermore, doctor confirmed my suspicions - the stress is really causing my blood sugar to spike badly.  I told her of the total exhaustion I get the week before and of that time of the month.  At that point, she decided it was time to bring in a specialist.  My issues are hormonal and a specialist may be able to do more for me than she can. 

My doctor referred me to an endocronologist to start working with me.  I have my first appointment on 12/3.  My doctor believes that the specialist can get me onto medications that will help me manage my blood sugar better as well as help me lose weight.  I remain positive that I can get something done.  I have done it before and I need to do it again and make sure that the weight stays off.

In other news, I managed to get some of my father's Christmas presents purchased.  That is a relief for me.  I also indulged in my guilty pleasure - shopping at Beauty Brands and Sephora.  I can never leave either place without getting something. 

Time to go back to relaxing and cleaning.  Somehow, those two should not go together.  LOL

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Finally - a week to myself...sort of...

As the days grow closer to the end of the year, I have half my vacation time to spend between now and then.  This week is my week to myself.  I say sort of because the dogs are here.  LOL

My thoughts of what to do ping all over my mind.  I know I want to spend time clearing out the clutter and cleaning.  It may do me a world of good to flush out the stuff that bothers me.  Learn to say "no", so that I can use that when I go back to work.  Do stuff that is good for me - get a hair cut, get maintenance done on my car, like oil change and tire rotation, get a mani/pedi, play with the PlayStation 3 or XBox 360, or just spend time doing what I enjoy.

Tomorrow is my diabetes check up.  I have extended the period a bit too long because I knew my numbers were not good.  I know my main issue is stress and I need to locate something that will help me reach a medium between work and personal life.  I need more of a personal life.

Also, I need to exercise more.  I know I feel better when I do.  That is why I mentioned the XBOX 360.  I got Kinetic for it and purchased one of the exercise activities.  A friend of mine suggested that I come back to Curves as they have a new program and another friend has lost about 70 lbs on Medifast.  I know for a fact that if I drop weight, my blood sugar will drop as well.  I need to force myself to do better because I know I can do this.  I just wish I knew what was stopping me for certain.

I mean, I do well and start losing, then I start to fail and gain weight.  Why do I do that?  Is it fear of the unknown?  Is it that I cannot handle the compliments?  Honestly, I do not want to be stick thin.  That is not my goal.  Heck, I will settle for weight between 180-200 lbs.  I just want to be healthy and feel energized.  Losing the weight will not get me the man of my dreams - I should know that.  Then, again, maybe that is why I start to fail.

I just need to think - I need to do this for ME.  Losing the weight and getting the blood sugar under control enables me to feel better and do the things I want to do for me.  I want so much to dress better and feel comfortable around others, rather than feeling ashamed.  I can do this!

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

although forgiveness is very hard, it is necessary.

Holding onto anger and old hurts hardens your heart and hurts only you. Ask for help in letting go of the anger. Ask to see the situation through the eyes of compassion. Allow yourself to feel the lightness of forgiveness.

I will work on that as well.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Nasty Politics...

All my life, politics has never been my strong suit.  When it comes to religion and politics, I listen to various points of view, but I just do not try to be that engaging.  Should I oppose one's views, the conversation always turns nasty, so I tread lightly.

Election Day has come and past, but still there is a lot of rhetoric.  Those of you whose candidate won, congratulations.  Those of you whose candidate lost, maybe next time, but in the mean time, get involved with your party and find ways to better help that person win that position.  The whole thing is done - either you are happy or not thrilled, but life goes on and we must manage.

I doubt that will make a dent in anyone's attitude, but it is how we all should act.  I willingly admit I did not follow the election process as I had wanted to do.  I knew I did not have all of the facts and mainly that is because there are so many other things going on in my life.  My current thoughts are to see what happens with the next set of elections due in 2 years.  I know there will be some changes at that time.  Once those are over, there is another chance to be more informed.

In other news, I did manage to sign up for the distance learning course, "Introduction to Oracle."  I am taking the course so that I can refresh myself on using SQL and learn more about the Oracle DB system.  Next, I will take the intermediate course.  I like the distance learning courses because they are inexpensive and I can work on the courses on my own time - I do not have to be in class to do it.  That takes a lot of wear and tear off of me.

I do wish to go back and take courses at UNT to complete my degree.  I honestly love going to school.  I know - I am a real sicko, but I like being with the younger generation as well as learning so many new things.  I get such a thrill to be there - I have so much motivation.  It allows me to open my eyes to new concepts, where I do not get to see that sort of thing elsewhere.

Today - God wants me to know:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that today is a whole day for you to do good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a whole day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in its place will be something that you had left behind... let it be something good.
I try to do good every day.  I like being able to go to bed feeling that something good came out of whatever I did that day.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Help - What to do when you get the wrong kind?

No, this is not a conversation on how to avoid the wrong kind of help.  It is a discussion on accepting help and constantly getting the wrong kind.  You know the kind - you were probably better off doing it by yourself than having others help.  I get this sort of help all of the time.

It is bad enough I struggle letting go enough to allow someone to help, but it is quite a different thing when the help you get makes a lot of mistakes.  My immediate reaction is "Why did I ask for help?"  For the most part, the work is obviously overwhelming and would take more time if I do it by myself.  If I have help, then it should take less time.  It always does.  However, what seems to happen is that there is always some fall out and I spend even more time on resolving that than I do if I had done the job myself.

It is purely human error.  However, from my point of view, the environment simply cannot deal with human error.  When I discover it is human error, there is always a huge debate as to why it happened.  Apparently, no one thinks about the old saying "Stuff happens".  I try to manage it, but I also see the other side in that it takes time to discover human error.  That is the part that is most precious.  When it happens to others, the issue is brushed aside, but when I experience it, parties are aghast and want to know why it happened.

My past endeavors of getting help have persuaded me to do one of two things:  1) Automate or 2) Do it by myself.  That means no acceptance of no help.  Not really the way I should be, but it is frustrating.

I think it is time to hit for some more self-help books.  :-)  This is and will always be an issue I will struggle with getting a handle.

On another subject, today's "Message from God.":

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God.
Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss.
 I need to really think about what it is I want out of life.  I want to be creative, live life to its fullest, and be successful at it all.  Tall order, I know.  However, I am in awe of the simple things in life.  I get a huge thrill out of doing something by myself and doing it right.  Even if I do it wrong, I gain knowledge in learning from my mistakes.  However, what really are my dreams?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


I definitely needed the extra hour of sleep that I got today.  Since I had the balcony door fixed, I decided to allow Bo and Chloe to have "Barkfest 2012 - Fall Version".  Both have been getting their barks in with various people and animals passing.  Also, by opening the balcony, it gives both dogs an opportunity to lie in in the sun.  However, neither seem to be doing that.

While I am thankful to have a well paying job, I need to learn to separate myself from it.  I need a life outside of work and work should not be all consuming.  It should be okay for me not to answer my pager all of the time.  When I am on-call, that is a different story.  However, once being off on-call, I need to step back and refocus on the things that are more important in my life.  If I would do that, my apartment would not be in the mess that it is today.

I need to see a brighter future.  For quite some time, I feel I live in some fairly dark times.  Even when the sun is shining, life seems so dark.  It should not be like that.

So, I am trying to take hold of life's reins and get moving on getting stuff done that is important to me.  I managed to empty the dishwasher and fill it again.  I have another load of dishes to do, then I should be fine for a few hours.  LOL  I also have tons of laundry to do.  When I get "lost" in all that everyone needs/wants, I tend to forget myself and the things that need to be done, like laundry.  Then, I get piles of stuff to do.  I figure that is where the "clutter bug" in me comes.  I do not like it, but it is something I need to get a handle.

How do others handle this sort of thing and manage without a house keeper?  I mean, people I work with have gotten house keepers for their wives.  I cannot even fathom doing that and figure my mom would be rolling in her urn.  I know it is not a sign of failure, but then again, how do I handle it otherwise?

Another thing I am doing today is cooking.  I am going to make the roasted chicken breasts, so that I have something healthy for lunch today and can have the leftovers for lunch and dinner tomorrow.  I will make Hungarian Chicken Goulash for dinner tonight, then have everything ready to make shrimp gumbo for Monday night.  Later in the week, I may make jambalaya.  The bonus piece - I will be saving myself money and preparing something that should be relatively healthy in that I know what is going into making it.

I need to be more thought provoking with this blog.  It has become more of an open journal than really a blog.  Perhaps, make one day a day where I think of something thought provoking.

In regards to thought provoking, here is my daily message from God - I read these to see how closely they match up to what is going on in my life:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that life is not meant to be a speedway.
Slow down to savor the gifts that God has already showered you with.
Okay - if life is not meant to be a speedway, then why does everyone else have to be in such a rush?  Why do people provide insane deadlines on projects?  I may be the slow turtle, but one thing I have confidence - when I complete it, it will be damn near perfect and I will have learned more than you can ever figure from the experience.

Carrying the heavy load...

Today's Message From God:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being.
Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.
I probably do carry more weight than I should and not just physically.  I am sure most of it is from fear or maybe to prove that I can do the job.  I feel overlooked a lot.  Not that I want to look bad, but just for someone to say "Hey - she can do this and I depend upon her."  Somehow, that is all back firing on me these days.

Difficult people and having no patience...

I have learned over the years that I have less patience with people.  If I know someone is really struggling, I tend to pull what patience I have and work harder.  However, my problem is with people who just refuse to get it or work for the answer.

In school, we are taught to do your own work, not to collaborate.  Why?  It teaches you self-reliance and teaches you important problem solving skills. As one of my favorite professors used to say:

If I do the debugging for you, who learns from it?  Me.  I just improves the debugging skills I already have.  For you, it does nothing because you did not try.

I suppose my frustration stems from too many people who just are not able to see the forest for the trees.  Yes, I have my times where I go through that, but I also struggle with a problem and provide the person whom I ask help for what I have done to debug an issue.  If it is simple resolution, I kick myself pretty hard for not figuring it out.  If it is not, I do not feel so bad.  :-)

However, I do not even see that sort of thing happening.  If there is a problem, rather than solve it, I get the issue and have to dig for the answers.  It might be more interesting if it were a different problem, but it is the same issue over and over.

I feel problem solving skills have a lot to do with understanding history and how it affects you.  Many people do not like history.  They find it boring.  The thing is, if you see something happening one time, if you remember it, you can prevent it from happening again.  Problem is, no one wants to remember what happened and just move on to something else. 

So, I know I have issues with difficult people.  I try to deal with them as best as I can, but man, some days, I have to ask God:  "Really?!"

Funny how today's message from God revolves around this subject matter:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that difficult people are very important, - they teach you tolerance and acceptance.
If all was going your way all the time, you would become a spoiled child, wouldn't everyone? Difficult people are just one of the ways God teaches us to expand beyond our egos and accept other perspectives on life.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Minor accomplishments...

Even though the dogs woke me up early this morning, I still had problems getting it together.  I need to just suck it up and get crackin'!

I managed to clear off the sofa and it looks much better.  Working on the kitchen and trying to get stuff out of sight.  I also threw away a lot of paper clutter.  The flyers and such are such a headache.

I think a male friend of mine coined it best.  I am the queen of misplaced things.  I was going through my mom's jewelry that she had given to me before she passed away and noticed that a bracelet I gave her is not there.  I hope the bracelet is with my aunt and I have forgotten.  I did manage to locate the charm with my mom's ashes.  It is in my purse!  Silly me.  She has been with me all of this time!

Tomorrow, I hope to get a lot more accomplished.  I have to keep reminding me that every little bit that I do is a step further in accomplishing my goal.

Today's message from God:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are asked for very little, - just the totality of your being.
God demands the totality of your being. That you invest all of yourSelf into celebrating the glory and the preciousness of being alive right now, no holding back and saving for later.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Taking a break...

This evening, I met up with Random Cathy and we enjoyed a mani/pedi at Polished, then had dinner at Snappy Salads.  I like getting a mani/pedi, but it was a lot more fun with Cathy there.  I really appreciate her paying for mine, but I feel my manners were completely missing.  I should have paid for her dinner - that would have been more appropriate.  I hope she will forgive me and I will get a chance to take her out for dinner in a couple of weeks.

Yesterday, I felt so drained and really uncomfortable.  Indigestion and other ailments came upon me.  I was able to stay awake long enough to watch some of the original Frankenstein, then the beginning of the Maverick game.  I ended up sleeping pretty hard and not waking up when someone from work called at 2 AM.  Oops.

I must have had a serious blood sugar issue last night.  This weekend, I am going to cook a lot of stuff.  I will be going on-call next week and it is always easier to just throw something in the microwave or reheat in the oven.  I am not going to mention the menu because it might change.

Sort of reminds me of the conversation Cathy and I had regarding cooking.  I think we all start with some "basics" that we know we can handle.  Buying "whatever" Helper is always a good starter.  When I moved away from home, I was pretty good at making my mom's crispy herbed chicken with stewed tomatoes and pasta.  Next, was tuna noodle casserole.  I did a dinner from Cooking Light, which ultimately sucked.  I ate my mistake and forged forward with my cooking endeavors. 

When I went home, I would watch my mom cook or when she was unable to cook, I would cook a meal that she would tell me how to prepare.  It was easier to manage that because I did not have her standing over me telling me everything I was doing wrong.

Pretty soon, I was watching Food Network and really watching how the various chefs prepared meals.  The best show was How To Boil Water.  The guy on the show was really cute and he had a chef sitting on the side giving him directions on how to cook something.  It was corny, but very practical.  It was the very basics for cooking and going from that point.

When I moved into my current apartment, I had more space for cooking and that was important to me.  Around this time, in 2005, I watched an episode of How To Boil Water that featured Tyler Florence.  He was showing how kids could make "Nut Brittle."  I watch him make it and thought, "Man, that looks pretty easy."  I looked up the recipe on the internet, printed it, then proceeded to get the ingredients to make the candy.  Man - it really was easy and it was fun!  I had been baking cakes and cookies to help with stress relief.  My co-workers were reaping the benefits of that in more than one way.  LOL

Since that time, I have had the opportunity to work on more meals.  I have made different types of jambalaya, pastas, rice, and seafood meals.  I have tried my hand at quinoa and fell in love with it.  I have taken a new interest in vegetables.  For instance, heirloom tomatoes, purple, orange, and green cauliflower, red, yellow, orange, and white bell peppers.  Since the type 2 diagnosis, I have a renewed interest in fresh veggies.  I love to roast and steam.  Squash - a whole new area!  I know my mom would be very happy to know how much I have opened my mind and she was the first to start me on broccoli and brussel sprouts.

Cooking just provides me with new ways to incorporate these very interesting vegetables into my diet.  I try to make it fun to eat - the more colorful, the more interesting.

On the baking side, by making my own meals, that gives me more control.  I can have something really good and quit eating stale food from the market.  I will never forget when I tried to make banana nut bread.  It took a couple of tries, but my mom would taste it and tell me where I was going wrong.  I know she would have enjoyed the praline experiment I have been working on since my NOLA trip.  She taught me how to make really good fudge and passed down all of the secret recipes for all of the cakes and such she used to make from memory.  I find a lot of comfort in cooking - it makes the foodie in me very happy.

God's message to me today:

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are blessed.
You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere.
Yes, I am more ways than I could ever know.