Saturday, November 30, 2013

Why Am I Overwhelming Myself?

I  had high hopes of getting a lot of stuff done this week that I was off from work.  I have managed to make some small changes, but so much more needs to be done.  Rather than sit here and beat myself up over that, I am trying to look at the positive - I DID manage to get some areas cleared out.  Like my weight, what is going on in the apartment did not happen overnight.  Furthermore, I take a great deal of pride in that I did not go out shopping unless it was something I really needed, like groceries.

Even though I really should not go, I am going to make an appointment and get a mani/pedi.  I really need one bad - it has been way too long and I want this to be the one thing I do for myself.

Otherwise, I contemplate why I overwhelm myself with so much to do?  My biggest problem with doing the cleaning has been my back.  After about an hour of bending and such, I get sharp pains in my back.  Neither Aleeve or Advil alleviate the pain, which frustrates me. 

I need to learn to slow down, break everything down in to individual tasks, and work on each one for a certain amount of time.  Even if it is not perfect, I will have succeeded in doing something and that is important.

Not sure why I cannot apply this type of thinking to other areas of my life other than work. 

Friday, November 29, 2013

Black Friday...

The retailers call the day after Thanksgiving, "Black Friday" due to the sales that are supposed to put their accounts into the "black".  In the past, when I was young and truly stupid, I would say I would get up early to be with the shopper hoards.  Unfortunately, due to my love of sleep, I would never get up and go out for that mess.

Today, I am too old and tired to mess with that business.  First of all, whatever is on sale is in limited quantities.  Next, you have to fight your fellow shoppers to get something.  Good grief - what is the point of that?  Now, there is the violence factor that we all must consider.  I am just glad to be at the point where whatever they have on sale, I really do not need or have a desire to have.

Making Thanksgiving dinner was exhausting, but in the end, the process was worth it.  I have plenty of leftovers and it was nice to have something to remind me of my mom.  I took comfort in that.

I finished watching the Cowboy game, then watched Despicable Me 2.  As I was watching the movie, I wondered why I enjoyed it so much.  What was the appeal of a cartoon to me?  Was I just that immature?  I do not think that is the case. 

We all watch various shows for that ability of "escape".  More or less - if one was reading a book, there is the ability to "escape" there was well.  Movies and TV - well, that is the lazier version, isn't it?  :-)

With the cartoons, you get the same basic message, but I love how the characters make fun of the same things I find funny.  The minions in the movie always crack me up.  No real language to how they speak other than the occasional word like "Banana", "potato", and etc.  However, their mannerisms make me laugh.  It allows me to forget my worries and concerns for awhile.

I hope everyone had a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving.  Be careful out there today with the crowds.  I will be going out later, but not to shop.  It's GAME DAY!  I need to cheer on the Dallas Stars to beat the Chicago Blackhawks. 

I am very glad I decided to be a season ticket holder for a sporting game.  I have learned so much about hockey that I did not know.  Also, I love the feeling of community amongst the fans.  You know, it is one thing to go to a concert to enjoy a performer's work.  However, with the sporting event, there is this sense of community among the season ticket holders.  You get to know your neighbor and everyone says "Hi!" to one another.  It has been a very interesting experiment.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving...

Many days go by where I forget or take for granted those things that I should be thankful.  While I should give thanks every day, I want to make a point to give thanks today. 

Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for having my parents.  My mom and dad worked hard to raise me with the right values and made sure I never did without for anything.  I am extremely grateful for the time I had with my mother.  She was an amazing person and touched so many people's lives.  I know she felt taken advantage of through the years, but as I grew older, I now understand.

I may not show it every day to Bo and Chloe, but I am truly blessed to have them in my life.  Even though Chloe was my parents' dog, she will always be one of my fur children.  For Bo, I can never change how life was for him the first two years of his life, but I pray that he is now happy where he is.  Both dogs have changed my view on life and what is important and I am very thankful for them both.

I am always incredibly thankful for the friends I have.  I am not quite sure what I would do without them.

I love living in this country.  Sure, I would love to visit other countries, but as I have grown older, I cherish the rights I have in the country.  I know I could never give those freedoms up easily.  It is what makes living here so interesting.  Because of that love for this country, I appreciate all that our troops do to keep and protect our country.  I only wish there was more peace on this earth.

I know that I am frustrated, but I am grateful to have a job.  I realize that there are a lot of people who do not have a job - many with no fault of their own.  While I am trying to avoid going out this evening to do any early Christmas shopping, I realized that some people actually depend on that extra money from a retailer opening early this year.  It wold be nice to go back to that time where Thanksgiving and Christmas were days where you were guaranteed a day off to be with your families.  However, there will always be those jobs where that is not possible.  For those people, I hope that you enjoy what time off you can get and next year, you can take off Thanksgiving.

Today's Message From God to Me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Time Out - For Yourself...

Most people cannot envision someone spending the holidays alone.  I can understand that.  You hate to hear that someone was alone on a family/friend gathering time of the year.  This year, I decided it was better for me to go it alone this year. 

Originally, I had not really put a lot of thought into Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas.  The one thing I did not want to do is go over to Fort Worth and just sit around and do nothing.  I do like going over to my parents' house because there is the fenced in yard for Bo and Chloe and that helps me relax.  However, I tend to get more depressed because my mom is not there.  I miss talking to her and I would spend my days there with her.  I also realized my father does not really spend a lot of time with me while I am there.  It just is what it is - no fault.

The other plan was my parents' friends in Arkansas wanted me to come visit them.  My mom's friend was very distraught over having to put her brother into a nursing home and had some difficulty with it.  I explained to her that I would see what I would do.  However, if I went, I would need to stay more than a few days - I need to see my mom's cousins and my mom's younger sister. 

Chloe got sick and it cost me an arm and a leg, so if I had any money for a trip, it went to Chloe.  I felt bad to cancel those plans, but at the same time, I actually welcomed the opportunity to stay home.  My father invited me to join his partner and him at her son's house for Thanksgiving.  I turned that down as well.  I just wanted to stay home. 

As I explained to my parents' friend, I really am welcoming the time alone.  This year has been not only physically, but also emotionally exhausting.  I look at the apartment and know the things I have not been able to accomplish and it makes me sad.  I have taken off on trips that I should have never done or bought things that I really, REALLY wanted, but never wore/used.  That tells me there is a problem afoot with me emotionally.  I need to spend time being honest with myself and figure out why I am or am not doing what is best for me.

Also, another reason for staying home, most importantly, I am going to cook my own Thanksgiving.  Why?  Because this is the time of the year when you want LEFTOVERS!!!!  While I miss my mom very much, it was something we really loved about this time of the year.  Sure, mom would go on about how "next year someone else is cooking," but we always enjoyed the leftovers after the huge meal.  I really miss mom and this time of year does not make it any easier.

Time to get dishes washed, laundry done, clearing out the apartment, and start on that one area of cooking that completely relaxes me - chopping up and prep.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Today's Message from God to me:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

it is important to care for the temple of your body.

Even more important is your spirit, which is the light within that temple. A beautiful temple may attract others, but it is the light that will touch hearts.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Am I Losing My Way...

Considering all of the crazy things going on in my life at this time, I took a step back and wondered if I was losing my way.  Is this really "my calling?"  Am I going in a direction that I should be?  It is rather frustrating.

I really miss writing programs that perform a function.  In my profession, certain groups look down on "coders."  The main problem there is not the "coder", but the fact that the "coder" does not grasp the environment.  I have found that the best "coders" have a foot hold on all aspects of what they are doing.  The developer gets that they are writing code within a UNIX environment and understand that operating system.  In many cases, "coders" are used to developing in a Windows environment when their code is actually going to run in an UNIX environment.  There are great differences whether or not the code can be ported.

While watching Breaking Bad last night, the main character, Walter White, asked his assistant for Gus's project why he turned to producing meth.  What caught my attention was the reply Walter got - the assistant loved chemistry and he was a Libertarian - he believed that people should get what they want, but they deserved the purest product.  He had gotten his master's degree and was working on his doctorates degree when he found that all he was doing was running around doing a lot of ass-kissing.  His true love was the lab - the lab was where the magic was.

I thought about it and for me, "coding" is where the magic is.  It is where I can "create" and watch a program do something.  That is the fun part.  Get a project, then break it down into manageable pieces, then build it up - piece by piece.  Once the entire thing is done, I have created something.

I hope to go back to doing that sort of thing again, even if it is done by going back to school or teaching myself how to do something on my own.  Still, I have to wonder if I am too burned out to enjoy it.  That makes me sad.

Saturday, November 9, 2013


While it has been almost 4 years since my mother passed away, I still reflect on things that happened and how I react with others facing similar issues in their lives.  My whole perception regarding those with chronic and life-ending illnesses has changed considerably.

What I learned from my mother was how difficult it was for her to keep that "strong" side up.  She used to tell me that she would just pray to have some private time so that she could put her guard down and release all that she was feeling.  Be able to cry, yell, scream, or whatever without people telling her that she needed to be strong.  She knew she needed to be strong, but sometimes, she needed that release.  Being "strong" emotionally was stressful for her.

A friend on FB has a similar situation.  She has issues with her lungs and bone cancer.  She posted one day that she just wanted to cry regarding her situation and said that she had to stay strong.  I felt for her - I even told her that it was okay to cry.  We should not demand that someone facing such dark situations to remain strong because it makes us feel better.  We have no idea what that person's life is like.

It is okay to cry.  It is okay to yell, scream, get angry.  It is about grief and the person going through the nasty disease has to deal with grief as well.  At the same time, that person cannot linger in self-pity - that is the part where things go awry.

In the movie Elisabethtown, Orlando Bloom's character designed an athletic shoe that pretty much bombed.  He was fired from his job as he went to attend his father's funeral.  If my memory serves me right, Orlando had to take his father's ashes to spread them.  Rather than flying on a plane, he takes a road trip, which Kristen Dunst's character creates a scrap book and mix CDs for Orlando to use on his road trip.

On the day that the shoe review was released publicly, Kristen advises Orlando to get a copy of the magazine.  Go somewhere that he could not be seen and allow himself only 5 minutes to deal with the emotions regarding the review.  He got angry and upset, but Kristen's point was get it out of your system and move on.  It was okay to get upset, but do not allow it to eat you up - you have to learn from it and move on.

While it is easy for me to tell someone that, I try in my own life to do the same thing.  I applied that to my exams I would take when I went back to college.  I used to fret and worry over how I did after an exam.  It would eat me alive.  After seeing that movie, I would walk out saying "Okay - you did the best you could and that is all you can do."  If the grade was bad, I would mull over it for 5 minutes, then say "Okay - what can I learn from this so that I do better next time?"

The people that I work with that knew my mother was dying thought I had a lot of strength.  Honestly, I did not have any strength.  I put on that facade and did what I needed to do to make sure she was comfortable and "work" work got done.  It was never easy and there were many days I got into my car and drove around for an hour so that I could cry and get all of that out of my system.

So, when things seem bleak and you are tired of putting on that "strong" front, take the time for yourself and let it out.  Just do not allow it to eat you alive.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Blood Sugar Challenges...

For the past couple of weeks, it has been a battle to get my blood sugar below 200.  One day, my blood sugar was at 430 and my body was aching and I was really dragging.

Today, making sure I get my meds into my system and such, my blood sugar has remained under 100 all day.  My body is not used to the blood sugar being below 100 and I start feeling weak and shaky.  I do not care for this feeling.  It slows me down considerably.  I hope to get this business under control soon!  I have things I need to get done!  LOL

Strides in Making Changes That Matter...

I was going to start today's blog by going over all that is annoying me these days health wise.  Then, I decided - how positive is that?!  Not, really.  So, I am going to go over some of the positive things that I feel will make a difference.

My weight hovers between 302 to 311.  Last time I was weighed, it was 302, so that was an 8 lb loss.  My blood sugar numbers were high, but I was fighting a sinus infection.  After the appointment, I spent time thinking about what I am really doing.  Let's be honest - I have not gotten any more exercise into my routine.  That HAS TO CHANGE.  I have to make that change and I know I have said that in the past, but I feel that if I start exercising a bit more, then that will help knocking out the body aches and pains.

As for my diet, after the recent version release, I found myself getting food out a lot!  That is not only bad for me, but not great on the wallet, especially when I need to be saving.  I have a lot of left-overs in the freezer along with a lot of different meats.  My plan is to purge old food in the freezer and start cooking more. 

Another area in my diet that I think will make more strides in helping me be healthier and such is just start eating more vegetarian meals.  I still like to eat meat, but make more efforts in having more salads and have a vegetarian meal twice a week.  Even if I have soup and salad, that can be healthier for me than getting a hamburger and fries.

Also, cut back on the quantity of the food.  The other day, while watching a sports game, I saw Jack In The Box advertising the "Midnight Munchie Box".  Good grief!  Two tacos, mixed fries, and some huge sandwich as the main entree.  That is just too much food!  Makes me a bit sick to think about that. 

I am starting to cut back on sodas.  I am a HUGE soda drinker, especially diet sodas.  If I drink more water, that will  help flush out all of the bad stuff in my system.  Also, I love tea, so that is a great alternative when I get bored with water.  Today, as I will cook breakfast, I am going to make a pot of coffee.  That will be better for me because I am not heading to Starbucks for a $4.00 latte.  Also, I found that Powerade Zero is great tasting and I do like that drink.  Basically, it is like flavored water with no calories, so that is a bonus for me.

Those are the things I have on my calendar to change for this month.  It is said that it takes a month to break a bad habit.  Well, now, I am going to take that time to break some bad habits this month.  These changes will help me see some physical changes and that will help me continue on the right path.  

In other news, I finally upgraded my iPhone 3GS to the iPhone 5S.  So far, I like the new phone.  I really like the fingerprint security.  I still need to rearrange the apps on the phone.  I want to move the more frequently used apps to the first couple of pages, then games and such elsewhere.

I am trying hard to make as many Stars games as I can.  I have found juggling getting the dogs walked and out the door can be quite a challenge, even more so when I am exhausted.  Another reason to make health changes.  That and I saw someone take a picture of themselves with me in the background - I did not like what I saw.

So, I hope I posted a positive entry today and everyone has a great week!

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

prayer is not a ritualized mumbling of words but a song of thanksgiving or a dance of praise; it is anguished cries or pleas from a yearning heart.

If your prayer has no emotion, it has no power. God wants to know how you feel. God wants to hear what's in your heart.