Strength...

While it has been almost 4 years since my mother passed away, I still reflect on things that happened and how I react with others facing similar issues in their lives.  My whole perception regarding those with chronic and life-ending illnesses has changed considerably.

What I learned from my mother was how difficult it was for her to keep that "strong" side up.  She used to tell me that she would just pray to have some private time so that she could put her guard down and release all that she was feeling.  Be able to cry, yell, scream, or whatever without people telling her that she needed to be strong.  She knew she needed to be strong, but sometimes, she needed that release.  Being "strong" emotionally was stressful for her.

A friend on FB has a similar situation.  She has issues with her lungs and bone cancer.  She posted one day that she just wanted to cry regarding her situation and said that she had to stay strong.  I felt for her - I even told her that it was okay to cry.  We should not demand that someone facing such dark situations to remain strong because it makes us feel better.  We have no idea what that person's life is like.

It is okay to cry.  It is okay to yell, scream, get angry.  It is about grief and the person going through the nasty disease has to deal with grief as well.  At the same time, that person cannot linger in self-pity - that is the part where things go awry.

In the movie Elisabethtown, Orlando Bloom's character designed an athletic shoe that pretty much bombed.  He was fired from his job as he went to attend his father's funeral.  If my memory serves me right, Orlando had to take his father's ashes to spread them.  Rather than flying on a plane, he takes a road trip, which Kristen Dunst's character creates a scrap book and mix CDs for Orlando to use on his road trip.

On the day that the shoe review was released publicly, Kristen advises Orlando to get a copy of the magazine.  Go somewhere that he could not be seen and allow himself only 5 minutes to deal with the emotions regarding the review.  He got angry and upset, but Kristen's point was get it out of your system and move on.  It was okay to get upset, but do not allow it to eat you up - you have to learn from it and move on.

While it is easy for me to tell someone that, I try in my own life to do the same thing.  I applied that to my exams I would take when I went back to college.  I used to fret and worry over how I did after an exam.  It would eat me alive.  After seeing that movie, I would walk out saying "Okay - you did the best you could and that is all you can do."  If the grade was bad, I would mull over it for 5 minutes, then say "Okay - what can I learn from this so that I do better next time?"

The people that I work with that knew my mother was dying thought I had a lot of strength.  Honestly, I did not have any strength.  I put on that facade and did what I needed to do to make sure she was comfortable and "work" work got done.  It was never easy and there were many days I got into my car and drove around for an hour so that I could cry and get all of that out of my system.

So, when things seem bleak and you are tired of putting on that "strong" front, take the time for yourself and let it out.  Just do not allow it to eat you alive.