Am I Losing My Way...

Considering all of the crazy things going on in my life at this time, I took a step back and wondered if I was losing my way.  Is this really "my calling?"  Am I going in a direction that I should be?  It is rather frustrating.

I really miss writing programs that perform a function.  In my profession, certain groups look down on "coders."  The main problem there is not the "coder", but the fact that the "coder" does not grasp the environment.  I have found that the best "coders" have a foot hold on all aspects of what they are doing.  The developer gets that they are writing code within a UNIX environment and understand that operating system.  In many cases, "coders" are used to developing in a Windows environment when their code is actually going to run in an UNIX environment.  There are great differences whether or not the code can be ported.

While watching Breaking Bad last night, the main character, Walter White, asked his assistant for Gus's project why he turned to producing meth.  What caught my attention was the reply Walter got - the assistant loved chemistry and he was a Libertarian - he believed that people should get what they want, but they deserved the purest product.  He had gotten his master's degree and was working on his doctorates degree when he found that all he was doing was running around doing a lot of ass-kissing.  His true love was the lab - the lab was where the magic was.

I thought about it and for me, "coding" is where the magic is.  It is where I can "create" and watch a program do something.  That is the fun part.  Get a project, then break it down into manageable pieces, then build it up - piece by piece.  Once the entire thing is done, I have created something.

I hope to go back to doing that sort of thing again, even if it is done by going back to school or teaching myself how to do something on my own.  Still, I have to wonder if I am too burned out to enjoy it.  That makes me sad.