Saturday, March 31, 2012

Being okay with making mistakes...

On Thursday, I took my father and his girlfriend out for his birthday dinner at Ruth Chris' Steakhouse.  Dinner was delicious.  I tried to make good choices, so that I could enjoy a little of the chocolate sin cake.  However, I have found that I have made a few more mistakes with my eating the past few days.

Last night, I found I could not keep my hands out of the chip and salsa bowls.  To make matters worse, I gave in and ordered a cup of queso.  Good thing I did not order the bowl!  I found I ate more rice than I should have with the Pechuga de Pollo. 

Today, I missed breakfast because I woke up late and needed to be at Polished for a manicure/pedicure at 9:30 AM.  I rolled out of bed, hit the shower, blow dried my hair, brushed my teeth, and walked the dogs before 9:10 AM.  After the mani/pedi, I did some shopping at the mall and grocery store.  By the time I got home, it was almost 2 PM.  I had to walk the dogs and put the groceries away before being able to eat lunch.

By the time I finally got to eat lunch, my blood sugar was at 165.  This morning, it was 243 before I left the apartment.  However, I was so hungry that I ate too much.  I made a really huge salad and had a bowl of soup.  I should have stopped at the salad.  I was proud of the fact that I did not drench the salad in dressing.  there was just enough to only leave a few smears on the plate.

I ended up taking a nap with Bo and Chloe.  When I got up and checked my blood sugar, it was 267.  I had eaten a cookie and a couple of pieces of chocolate before taking the nap.  I knew that was the cause for the high number.  I need to just crack down on what food I am putting in my mouth.

Tomorrow, just have to be really careful of what I eat and get back on track.  It is okay to make those mistakes because you have to get those cravings out of your system.  Otherwise, denying yourself foods will make you fail.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Feeling lost...

Sometimes, I really feel I have lost my way.  I look at my life and wonder about the decisions I have made along the way.  There are some decisions I feel were probably wrong and it took awhile to get back on path.  Other decisions, I do not regret having made.

These days, I wonder what it is I really want from life.  I feel so separated from the "lively" life I would have preferred.  The question is - what decisions/choices do I need to make to get a little of that back?  How do I work my way to an easy balance?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Working on Gradual Changes...

I am still working hard on eating healthy.  My weight is not really showing me much change.  However, my blood sugar numbers are coming down slowly.  I hope that the lowering numbers are a result from my eating better as well as using the insulin.  I just wished that my weight would start coming off as well.  The next step is to start adding some exercise into my daily routine.

I keep telling myself - Just keep making the right food choices and it will pay off in the end.  Now, I need to figure out why I am getting breakouts again.  Ugh.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Aging Gracefully...

As long as I could remember, I always wanted to be thinner or prettier.  I kept up with the latest fads for hair, make-up, or clothes (as best as I could).  Once I turned 40, I started making a change.

I tried fake nails.  I realized that fake nails just was not me.  Botox?  I do not even care of giving myself the insulin shots - you really think I would be so vain to have poisons injected into me for that?!  Any sort of plastic surgery or liposuction - even weight loss surgery - I just cannot see the point.  I can lose weight by adjusting my diet and getting exercise.

Bottom line, I just want to age gracefully.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I see people who were thin in their younger years, but have gained weight.  That is okay because the weight was not what made them the people they are. 

For years, people tell me that I have not aged.  I know better.  I can see the lines on my forehead and around my eyes and lips.  Lip stick feathers now when I wear it.  It is those little things that we notice the most.  However, rather than turning into a plastic face, I want to be real.  While I may not play up those wrinkles, I won't hide them, either.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Lazy Saturday...

I got to sleep until 6:45 AM this morning.  Both dogs were awake and needing to go out for their morning business.  Once that was done, I decided I would spend the day in bed - or as much as I could muster.  I watched Doc Martin Series 3, had lunch in bed, and just tried to relax.

There are so many things running through my mind.  The one thing that keeps bugging me is the desire for a companion.  Most days, I usually muster through and realize that having someone else in my life would be too much for me.  I need my "private time."  I barely get that with the dogs.

However, something insides me yearns for someone to spend time.  I don't think I could ever be very fair to that person.  Maybe, I would allow too much to be "handed over" to that person because I know I make that mistake a lot.  You know, being too willing just to have someone that you over do it and freak out the other person.  I figure maybe things will fall into place for me relationship-wise as the weight begins to come off of me.

Tonight, I had planned on making chicken stir fry, but after I took the dogs to bed and fell asleep, I decided not to cook.  Instead, I got pizza.  I had not had pizza in awhile and man, did it taste good!  I think that is how I need to handle foods like that - do not have it for months, but savor it when I do get it. 

Slowly, but surely, I will get my blood sugar under control and my weight will follow suit.  I am already seeing some signs of that happening with my clothes.

Time to settle down for the evening - I already did my "work" work for the weekend, so now, completely unwind.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Sucky Days Are Not Over...

Not by a long shot, gang.  Healthwise, it was a good day.  Blood sugar started in the upper 260's and ended in the upper 230's.  I was quite proud of that.  I had dinner with a friend at Texas Land and Cattle and the most amazing thing - I did not venture into temptation by eating my foe, sourdough bread!  Stinking amazing because I love that bread, but it is like crack to my system.  Very unfortunate.

Work-wise, it was not such a good day.  Actually, it has been a rather crappy week.  Maybe, by documenting more on what goes on, some sort of change for the positive can occur.

I have so many plans for this weekend.  Most of my plans center around being close to home and just cleaning and relaxing.  Most work tasks are off my plate or can wait until next week.  I have to do a cutover tomorrow night, but that won't take very long.

I need to do more writing.  Maybe, that will add some positive value and show me other areas of opportunity.

Self-Improvement is key these days.  Let's get the ball going!

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Today marks the 3rd week that I have been taking insulin.  At this point, I inject myself with 30 units of insulin.  As I work hard to eat better, I can see a slow gradual decline in my morning fasting blood sugar.  I try to keep reminding myself that you do  not get to a point overnight.  Therefore, you cannot get back overnight, either.  Keep making the better choices and everything will fall into place.  If I have not tried harder at anything in my life, I need to do this.

I called my parents' friend in Arkansas last night.  I did it mainly to stay in touch and make sure she knows that we are okay.  She lost her two brothers over the holiday season and she was missing my mom.  It made me sad because I still miss my mom every day.

Time to head into work.  I need to find a new desire.  Something that inspires me.  I should try writing more often - that might help.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Coffee and coloring...

This lazy Sunday morning, I was able to find myself being able to sleep later than usual with the dogs.  It was quite nice to get the extra rest.

After putting the pork loin, onions, and BBQ sauce in the crock pot, I walked the dogs.  This morning, neither dog wanted to mind what was needing to be done.  Rather, they wanted to bark and attempt to attack other dogs.  Bo and Chloe are becoming too territorial and it troubles me.

I fixed some Fiber One pancakes and turkey sausage for breakfast.  After everyone finished eating, I picked up food bowls and cleaned my own plates.  I have been watching the Doc Martin BBC TV series.  It is interesting, however, I found myself doing something I had not done in ages - doodling.

My inspiration is from Random Cathy.  I am not attempting to be some wonderful artist, but more or less looking for ways to take my mind off of work.  I had bought a box of crayons and had a sketch notebook, so I just sat and worked on doodling.  It felt good - nothing to write home about, but just the calmness of letting my mind go and quit worrying.  I may do it more often - perhaps, that will perk up my creative side.

Once I wrap up this blog entry, I will return to folding and putting away the clean laundry and executing a purge for the soul.  Once that is completed, maybe I can work on building myself intellectually as well as creatively.  I need the "yling" for my "ylang".  :-)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Crazy times...

Most of the week was spent wrapped up doing work.  On two separate occasions, I had to either cancel or delay plans I made.  I wish that those things would not happen.

For the past couple of days, I have been fortunate to see my blood sugar numbers in the upper 200s.  I have seen my blood sugar spike a few times to 400, but that was after having eaten something that would spike it.  Majority of the time, my blood sugar would go back to a lower number a few hours after that.

I am still not thrilled about sticking myself with a needle.  However, I am glad to be off of Metformin.  Now, Metformin is a good drug for managing diabetes.  My problem was the side effect with running to the bathroom and not to pee.  Some days, I could manage to stay home with the stomach issues.  If I went to work and that mess started, you could forget anything productive until the Immodium AD started working or it passed.  I know it helped with the weight loss back in 2006-2007, but one can only handle that for so long.

I continue my quest for making healthy food that I enjoy eating.  I am determined to prove that I can manage this disease, but also get healthy by eating really good food at the same time.  I was talking to a friend of mine back from my TCJC/UNT days, Kendra.  She had gained a good bit of weight and considered weight loss surgery.  After looking at what all was involved and just the thought of throwing up food, she chucked the idea and started walking.  Now, she is up to using an elliptical and going to the gym.  She has increased her endurance considerably as well with her added exercise

Kendra told me that she had lost 95 lbs.  While that is important to her, what is more important is just getting healthy.  I have to agree with that.  I know people who have had various weight loss surgeries and were successful with them.  However, they all have their various side effects.  I just want to get healthy and no surgery.  It is very possible to lose weight by eating better and just "moving."  Right now, I am trying to get myself to the point to tell people "no" and start making time out for "me."  It is very important.

On my way home from getting a mani/pedi and doing some shopping, I heard Bridge Over Troubled Waters and broke down crying in the car.  The song made me think of my mom.  I miss getting her advice, telling me how I need to suck it up, or just hearing her laugh over whatever stupid question I had, then give me the answer I needed to hear.  I thought about how alone I am here.  I really do not have anyone in my life and it is because I have let other things take over for too long.  Is it too late to reclaim my life?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Am I protecting my faults or others?

Last night, while doing some maintenance work, I found some disturbing things.  I felt this heaviness come upon me and a large feeling of guilt.  I felt compelled to "fix" the situation, but resisted because, this was not something I had done, but others.  Why do I have this constant fear when I see something wrong, then immediate reaction to fix it so no one notices?

I have to learn that sometimes, people break your trust, but it is not your responsibility to pull them out of the hole that they created for themselves.  This is part of the pattern of stress that I need to concentrate more on doing.

I finally dozed off to sleep around 4 AM, no thanks to daylight savings time change.  Ugh.  However, I did wake up at 9 AM and have already taken the dogs out for a walk.  I got my blood pressure and sugar measurements and about to fix something to eat.  Blood sugar is still high, but I see it lowering.  Blood pressure is fairly normal, so that is a good thing.

For the past month or so, I have been trying to reach my aunt (my mom's sister).  I cannot seem to get through on the phone.  It rings and rings, then I am dumped into some voice mail.  I thought that it might be best if I sat down and wrote her a letter.  I would send her an email, but I am afraid that her internet access is unavailable.  Maybe, by my writing my aunt, that will help her with my mom's loss, too. 

It has been over two years since my mom passed away and not a day goes by without a thought about her.  I find myself talking to the heavens above asking for some sort of advice.  I so miss getting to hear her voice or laugh.  I know she was always proud of me, but I think she would have been happy knowing that I am trying hard these days to turn my financial life around and get myself back on the straight and narrow health wise.  My mom did so much for me and I feel like I never got a chance to do for her in return.

Sometimes, I do silly things.  A few weeks ago, I bought a box of 72 crayons.  Why?  Maybe because I yearn for some sort of creativity in my life.  I want to add color into my life and get that artistic feel.  I might as well give it a shot - something to relieve the stress.  I also bought a jigsaw puzzle.  Once I clear the clean clothes off this dining room table, the other end will have an on-going jigsaw puzzle.  Again, another thing to keep my mind active and relieve stress.

With all of that in mind, it is time to get something to eat, then start making my way through my day.  My on-call week is almost over and I can relax a bit.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Starting the day at 300...

I thought I had done okay, blood sugar wise.  This morning, the BS was 300.  *sigh* 

I sit here and go "Chin up!  You can do this!  You conquered this number thing in 2006/2007!  Damnit!  You can do it again."  All of the positive vibe I can muster.  Still, I have to remind myself - Rome was not built within a week and your blood sugar won't go down overnight, either.  No matter how tired or exhausted you may be, keep truckin' on and you will get to where you need to be.

Like the song, "Don't Give Up."

Thursday, March 8, 2012

When Money Can Solve Problems...

Today, not only did I get my paycheck, but I also got my yearly bonus.  Not as much as last year, but I won't complain.  The extra money will pay off several bills and leave more money in my bank account.  I was very worried about how that would work out this year after some foolish mistakes made by the much higher ups.  It will feel good to take that money and pay off the bills.  That monkey on my back won't be so heavy and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I made so many foolish money management errors in my life.  To be honest, I still make them.  I admitted that I was a "make-up whore" the other day.  I have WAY too much of it.  However, on the flip side, I am actually making effort to wear make up.  I need to throw out a bunch of mascara and eye liner.  The old stuff was irritating my left eye pretty badly.

So, I have written down to cut back on the make up as well as DVDs and CDs.  Next, I need to figure out if I should continue with TiVo or get another cable box.  I have had this cable box since I left the old apartment.  However, I have an HD TV in my bedroom and the TiVo box has finally bitten the dust.  I also realized that the video quality on the old TiVo box really stunk.  After watching the entire series of As Time Goes By, the DVD quality was crystal clear - no crappy resolution.  So, now, I am trying to determine if I really want to get another TiVo box or cancel the membership and move that $13.81 over to payment to Time Warner.  I may look further into that.

Last night, when I injected my insulin for the night, some of it came back out, even though I left the needle in my stomach for a short time.  That grossed me out a bit, but I worked on shaking it off.  However, the result of that is that my blood sugar was much higher this morning.  It was about 334.  This afternoon, my blood sugar reached 440.  Crap lunch from the work cafeteria.  My bad.

Tonight, I made bacon tomato sandwiches for dinner.  I was able to get the bacon cooked and have plenty of bacon fat for green beans later.  I put out the rump roast to put in the crock pot either tomorrow or Thursday.  I managed to get some laundry done as well as emptying out the dishwasher.  I still need to fill the dishwasher and do more laundry, but a little bit a day means just that much less I have to do.

Almost time for me to take the dogs out for their nightly walk.  I am trying really, REALLY hard to hold off for a bit.  For several nights, Bo has been waking me up in the middle of the night for a walk.  I am getting tired of that interruption.  It is bad enough I have to get up sometimes to go to the bathroom.

I want to make an appointment to get a mani/pedi, but with on-call duty, I am afraid to do that.  I am seriously thinking of doing that sort of thing during the week next week.  Maybe, even take a personal day

Monday, March 5, 2012

On-call Monday...

I despise on-call.  I will make no bones about it, either.  Then, again, there are a lot of things about my job I no longer enjoy doing. 

I cut out the Paradise multi-grain bread that I was eating.  Apparently, that was what was really spiking my blood sugar.  I enjoyed it while it lasted.  I am back to Nature's Own Double Fiber and Wonder's Smart White or Wheat bread.  The carb value works for me.

My morning blood sugar is starting to lower as well.  Currently, I am taking 14 units of insulin and I am really restricting what I eat.  I hope the combo has a good effect and I can lose weight while I am doing it.  I am more concerned over my blood sugar than anything else.

Last night, I decided to cook a rib eye steak, steamed veggies, and a salad.  While cooking the rib eye, the smoke alarms went off in the apartment.  I don't think I will be cooking with that recipe again.  However, it was delicious all the same.

I ended up heading to bed around 8:45 PM last night and fell asleep with the dogs on the bed.  I woke up at 11:30 PM and got the dogs ready to go for their walk.  I have lost my patience with them on several occassions.  Bo will bark when exiting or seeing a rabbit.  Chloe has gotten into the bad habit of eating whatever crap is in the grass - probably rabbit poo.  Blech! I yanked on Chloe quite a bit to get her to behave and she started walking funny.  My intent is not to hurt, but to get her out of whatever she is trying to get into in the grass areas.  I have already spent $2500 to get her stomach and intestines better.  I know how much I hate it when I have the "runs" and I hate for her to have them. 

She is better this morning, but still hunting down crap in the grass areas to eat.  Ugh!  I got onto her twice by trying to take whatever she picked up out of her mouth.  I think I am at my wits end with her.

Time to deal with work.  I hope it is a calm week and no huge surprises.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Trying new recipes...

Last night, I checked my blood sugar and it was 510.  I was surprised and rather annoyed.  I had a tuna fish sandwich 4 hours before the test using Paradise multigrain bread.  Now, I am going to be more observant on what I am eating.  Also, I won't be eating the multigrain bread just to make sure that it is not spiking my blood sugar.

Before falling back to sleep, I was looking at Diabetic Living magazine and going over the various recipes.  I have some boneless skinless chicken in the refrigerator.  I plan on baking it using roasted chicken spices.  I am going to make steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms as well as a new dish - potato and leek au gratin.  I am excited to try it.  If it is good, then I will be making more of it.

Also, I am trying to figure out what would be a good recipe for using the crock pot.  Next week, I am on-call and it would be a good idea to have some quick fix meals.

Time to start on some chores, then head off to the mall.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Another day of high blood sugar...

Yesterday, my fasting blood sugar was 367.  Today, it is 371.  Ugh!  I already feel defeated.  Of course, that is not the right sort of attitude to take regarding this situation.  I keep trying to remind myself - it takes time for blood sugar levels to fall.

I did not eat very healthy last night.  Tonight, I will fix baked chicken with some chicken seasoning, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms steamed with some sliced tomato.  That sort of meal should help reduce the blood sugar.  Lunch today?  Well, try to eat a good salad or some fish.  That makes the best sense.

I better get something in my stomach now - I am starving.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A New Adventure Awaits...

Well, the bad news came to me on Tuesday.  My blood work showed that my A1C was 13.2 - Ouch!  Also, the blood work showed that the high blood sugar was beginning to affect my kidneys - Double Ouch! 

I knew this was coming.  I knew this was coming a long time ago and I tried to avoid it.  That was wrong for me to do.  So, now, I have accepted my fate with insulin shots.  *shiver*  It took me awhile to get adjusted to just poking my finger for testing my blood sugar.  Now, I have to poke my stomach and put something under the skin.

So, today starts a new adventure with using insulin shots to control my blood sugar as well as reworking my diet and getting some exercise into the fray.  I also need to learn to say "No" to various things at work.  Quite possibly, I need to put some emphasis into changing positions either within the company or leave completely.  That will be the most difficult part.

While I appreciate how so many depend on me, the down side is that they depend upon me too much.  I need time away and not feel "chained to the computer."  Reminds me of when I was in band in elementary, middle, and high school.  I loved band and playing clarinet so much that I enjoyed practicing.  By my senior year, I just was not enjoying band as I had.  It is quite sad because I have such ill feelings toward my clarinets.  The $70 clarinet my parents bought me produced such a lovely sound that the wooden clarinet could never produce.  That is pretty sad.  I know my parents put in a lot of money into that clarinet. 

Getting back on target, the point is that as much as I enjoy coding and such, this job of debugging issues for everyone is tiresome.

So, it is time to embrace the new adventure and make the most of it.  Look at everything with a positive light.