Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Sometimes, You Skin Your Knees...

Getting back on doing the shakes for breakfast/lunch this week.  The whole process has its ups and downs.  I still feel hungry and have a tendency to want to eat more than I should.  I know it will take some time to get over this feeling and I just need to fight through it.

Last night, I saw my personal trainer.  I had weighed on Monday and compared it to what I weighed back in March when I started.  I had only lost .6 lbs.  LOL  However, the point I made was that I had slacked off from doing the cardio (walking) as I should be doing.  I explained that there were some instances that have started to remotivate me:
  • Starting Prevention's 28- Day Challenge for Clean Eating and Etc.
  • Not really enjoying eating; not finding foods that I find satisfying
  • Many activities are wrapping up and disengaging those situations that drain me
I explained that Monday night's meal was meatless - all veggies.  Last night, I reheated leftover jambalaya and prepared a small salad for dinner.  That was delicious and filling.  That is sort of where I am trying to head with the eating - something that tastes really good and is satisfying.

I ended up doing a couple of full body exercises.  I did manage to do 24 minutes of walking on the treadmill, but had to pull back a bit due to some back pain.  When I left, my legs felt like they were about to give out on me any minute.  What a weird feeling!

This morning, legs are sore, but not so sore that they hurt terribly.  So, while I am at work, I am going to try to walk around the parking lot for about 30 minutes.  That way, I get some cardio in my routine.  The day seems really pretty, so why let it go by the wayside - time to go out and enjoy it.

Time to put together my fruit and cheese container for work - if I am going to snack, I need to make it healthy.

God's Message to Me Today:

when you strike out, you always strike in.

Any weapon you use to strike, - clenched hand, angry voice, closed heart withholding love, - is double-sided with one edge always cutting deep into yourself. Sometimes a weapon is necessary, but use it wisely, - and remember that the cost of using one are your own wounds.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Restart, Recharge, But Don't Overwhelm...

I took some time to evaluate what was happening in my life in regard to my weight loss or my stalling on weight loss.  I figured I overwhelmed myself with taking the writing class, got the personal trainer, and going to all of those Stars games.  I do not regret all of that, but I do regret not really thinking about the time I have to expend.

Unfortunately, the Stars lost game 6 last night.  However, even though they lost, if you look at how well they did this year considering the team has 12 players that had never even been in the playoffs, a new coach, a new general manager, and Jamie Benn's first year as captain - WOW!  They made it to the playoffs!  That is the first step - the team got a taste of what it was like.  From this point, next year, they will do even better because they will want it more.

Let's just say, I am not disappointed with the team at all.  I love them and they did a great job!  I hope they enjoy some time off, but are ready to go further next year.

Writing course will be ending next week.  I got far behind in the assignments and such, so I will probably take that course over again.  It was not terribly expensive, but I have some other things I need to clear off my plate before approaching that.

Personal trainer - LeAnne is great.  I have learned quite a few new exercises to help me build up my core.  I just need to do them more often.  It is one of those things where I know strength is important.

So, today, even though I am supposed to see my endocrinologist next week, I am going to restart what I started at the beginning of the year.  I got on the scale and it said 282.4 lbs.  I have not lost or gained any weight since 4/19.  So, I have been able to maintain. 

Therefore - my starting weight is 282.4 lbs this time.  My blood sure is high in the mornings again.  I think once I start drinking more and more water, that will come down naturally. 

I am going to look at Prevention's 28-day challenge.  Prevention is doing a challenge to do clean eating, work on getting more exercise - 2.5 hours a week, work on your strength, and provide some mental clean out.  If anyone is interested, here is the web site to check out.  For iPhone users, get the ChallengeLoop if you want to share the challenge with your friends.  Pick up this month's Prevention magazine for more information.

I also saw this in Prevention magazine:

Try this:  Life coach Jaime Kulaga wants you to fill in the blank:

I've always wanted to ___________________________________.

then use these three tipsto yes, do it

1.  Free Up Space  Log each half hour's activity for 3 days.  Ditch time wasters and set boundaries with people who drainyou.

2.  Start With 20  Reserving just 20 minutes a day for that life project equals major progress in the long term.

3.  Relish It  The point is not to cross something off your to-do list.  It's to tap a joy.  If the process fulfills you, you're already there.

God's Message To Me:

nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be.

You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Where Did Time Go?

It is time to regain my focus and quit playing around and being lazy about it.  I have gained about 5 to 10 lbs.  I am pretty sure I know where I made the mistake.  I just took on way too much for whatever reason.  I was doing great, then tacked on the personal trainer (which I do not regret - I am very happy to have someone to help me do the exercises right), writing course (got behind in doing), and putting too much effort into losing weight. 

While we all need support, the one thing I did not want was to feel that I had the "magic" to make it happen.  I am not perfect and I do succumb to temptation - be it cake, cookies, or candy.  I found that I tended to overload when I was bored or stressed. 

So, considering it is close to the first of the month, it is time to buckle down and start back.  Just like earlier this year, I am writing down what I put in my mouth.  The food journal does hold me accountable.  Eating out needs to be a special occasion situation.  It is so darn difficult trying to sort out the calorie counts for eating out.  I do know the big chains have put a lot of effort into putting their nutritional information out there and I appreciate it more than you will ever know.  However, some of the places where I go to eat, it is difficult to put together what makes up the calories. 

Take last night for example.  I went to Fish City Grill for dinner.  I had some fried calamari.  At this place, the calamari is not heavily breaded.  So, the calorie count should be a tad lower for that appetizer.  Next, the main meal was panko crusted tilapia and shrimp with garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.  It is difficult to determine what all is in the panko crust.  Mashed potatotes - I can generally guess and asparagus - well not much to that.

I have learned from all of this some valuable things.  Normally, I would do without potatoes, but it is okay to have some.  Whether you have diabetes or not, your body needs some carbs.  I just have to make sure it works for the entire meal.  As mentioned in earlier posts, the important piece is thinking about the plate being divided up into 3 sections.  The largest section, half the plate, for non-starchy veggies.  The next quarter should consist of protein, and the last quarter should have starchy veggies or grains.

I also think I allowed too many people to fill my mind with what worked for them.  That is great if that worked for them.  However, everyone's body and system is different.  I believe in being able to drink a gallon of water a day.  I also believe that when I drink a lot of diet sodas, I tend to eat more and such.  Water does help with hydration and flushing out fat and etc. 

Therefore, I am going to go back to what I was doing originally.  Cutting out diet sodas to a very minimal; drinking lots of water; counting calories and making sure that my carb intake is good.  Do some sort of exercise for 30 to 45 minutes a day.  If I do strength training, then make sure to walk (or walk in place) at some point during the day.  It will all help.

Maybe this go around, I can drop another 40 lbs.

This week, I begin my 2 weeks of doing the Glucerna shakes.  I am going to work to make sure I have some healthy, filling snacks for between meals and work on eating more veggies for meals.  I may start this week with having a lot of salads.  That may help me in more ways than one because I have not really been enjoying any of my dinners lately.  Even with Easter dinner, I was getting sick of the meal before I was finished.  Something about the food just does not make me feel satisfied.  Therefore, go back to basics - eat more veggies and work in a few vegetarian meals to shake up the senses.

God's Message to Me:

shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, - way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make 'share joy, half the sorrow' your motto for today.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Moments of Clarity and Creativity...

I have taken some time to evaluate some of the decisions I have made regarding this year's theme - Remake/Remodel.  For a month, I have not been exercising as much as I should and definitely not drinking as much water as I was.  Why?  Not really sure.  Just one of those things where it just has not happened.  I still go and see my personal trainer.  She is incredibly helpful and I have noticed that I am getting a bit stronger, so that is important.

In the larger scheme of things, deciding NOT to have weight loss surgery is probably the best thing I could do for myself.  For some people, it seems to work out great for them.  On others, they lose weight and only have the lost weight and more weight return.  Who is really to say what would work for me, but I think I have proven that if I put my mind to it, I can lose the weight by simply reducing what I eat and exercising.  It has always been key to any weight loss I have done.  I just need to make sure I get that focus back into sight.

I am rather behind in my writing course as well.  I skipped one assignment last week because there was just not enough time for everything that needed to be done.  Tonight, I had to write a creative piece.  It was only a paragraph, but somewhere in my head, I was able to produce something and get it on "paper".  I would not call it my greatest piece of work, but it was an honest piece of work.  I wrote a paragraph that needed to include car keys, foot doctor, and thunderstorm.  I wrote about how I am the "Queen of Misplaced Items."  How appropriate!  Basically, how I tried to locate missing car keys in order to get to a doctor's appointment before the thunderstorm hit.  LOL  I wrote it in about 10 minutes and submitted it. 

I might have something - I may actually have a creative side which I never knew I had.  I tried art, but if anyone had seen the stupid skeleton drawing I did in 8th grade - they will remember the really large head and torso, then the shrunken legs because I ran out of paper space.  So, the poor chap was handicapped in my drawing?!

Doggy Love - Tonight, nothing warmed my heart more than what happened when I returned home from my session with the trainer.  Bo is getting a drink from the water bowl and I stood there laughing while I said "Who loves his momma?"  Every time I said it, his tail would wag.  It was so funny, but very sweet.  Chloe shows her affection by getting me to sit on the sofa and wrap my arm around her. 

I am very worried for Chloe.  Her blood work results for the past few months have shown her liver values are increasing and, now, are currently off the chart.  The value top end is 500 and her latest blood work shows 2400+.  Last week, the vet pulled more blood samples to help figure out what is wrong with her or have a better idea of what the issue could be.  What bothered me the most is that she is not showing any signs of pain, excessive eating/drinking and etc.  She is not fond of the new dog food, but definitely wants her braunsweigner, french fries, rolls, tortilla chips, potato chips, and etc.  Losing her will be like losing the last thing dear to my mother.  I know I am living on borrowed time with Chloe, but it is just hard thinking of something horrible going on within her while she acts like nothing is wrong.

God's Message to Me Today:

there is an ebb and flow to this life.

Trust this peaceful rhythm. If there were constant flow, we would drown in the intensity. Ebb is as necessary as flow.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Just When I Felt All Was Lost...

It has been a crazy week.  I actually threw up my hands regarding my diet and exercise program because I was so frustrated.  Oddly enough, I got on the scale today and saw I actually lost 3 lbs.  Okay - that has reinforced me to not declare all was lost.

Chloe had extremely elevated liver values.  Apparently, the values keep creeping up more and more.  What I am frustrated with is taking her to the vet and having to pay $200-$300 for this and that blood test and not getting a reasonable diagnosis, other than "Her liver values are off the charts."  Help me figure out what I need to do and quit charging me for so much blood work.  I mean, the vet has taken so much blood from her that rather than sit there and not figure out what is wrong with my girl, I just get that her values are spiked.  For me, that is unacceptable and I am not some extremely rich woman who can just throw away money on that sort of care.

I love Chloe very much.  My mother got her in 2001 - originally, Chloe was only supposed to be fostered, but after Chloe's and my father's eyes met, my mom told me that Chloe had found her new home.  Chloe is all I have left of my own mother's love.  My mom loved Chloe very much and she depended upon me to make sure that Chloe was well taken care after she passed away.  So, going through this mess has been emotionally difficult.  What makes it even more difficult - Chloe shows no signs of pain or failure to eat and/or drink.  She is not drinking abnormally more than normal.  She shows no signs of slowing down when attempting to chase a rabbit or squirrel.  Chloe is on point to let strangers know - no getting close to my sissy without proper sniff inspection!

I am behind on my writing course.  I even skipped one assignment.  I am just not going to let that bring me down.  Just like with my diet/exercise, I am going to climb back on that horse and refocus. 

One thing I definitely need to do is really sit down and reorganize my life.  This weekend, I have a wedding to attend.  After the wedding, I think I will just sit down and make out the things I want to get accomplished in the next couple months.  While I have time to do so, it is the opportunity to take advantage of that time and get some projects completed.

I spent some time yesterday looking at the UTD college courses.  I have such a desire to go back to school, but I really want to get some stuff off the ground before tackling that.  I would feel that life was complete if I finished my degree.  Perhaps, that needs to go on my life goals.

In any case, I just need to sit down and decide what is really important to me.  I have done a lot, but there is a lot more to do.  Just need to make sure I do not deviate from that.

God's Message to Me:

everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world.

Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Too Much Stuff...

I am the "Queen of Misplaced Items."  I actually understand how a messy person can get really frustrated with someone straightening up their desk, too.  I have been working on clearing out the clutter.  I realized I have obviously misplaced my doctor's instructions, blood work test results, my spare car key, and my work badge.  I also noticed I am missing some clothing, but I truly believe that they are hidden.

Seems like every time I start working on an overhaul, I always misplace things.  I stress over it because it is frustrating.  I just need to come to terms with putting items in a particular place.  I did manage to find my spare car key in a purse I was no longer using.  I found my badge in my larger purse - in side of my teal wallet.  DOH!

Now, I have a mess on my bed of items all over the place.  That is okay.  This forces me to go through it and do a bit of organization.  Bathroom items, place in the bathroom.  Kitchen items, place in the kitchen.  Anything expired or do not use/have not used, toss 'em out.  The paper items, I am gathering that to put into a clear plastic bag to take to a shredder service.  I see no reason to sit at my own shredder and burn it out.  Also, I think $25 for the whole lot will save me a lot of time and I will start fresh on shredding items as they come into the home.

Health-wise - Some days are better than others.  I have not been getting my 10,000 steps in every day as I was doing.  That frustrates me because I know I can do better.  I need to do better.

Today, I saw a posting for someone who is running into some money issues due to medical bills.  It really reinforces the thoughts I have regarding losing this weight and trying to get healthy.  I want to be able to do a lot of things.  I may never actually run, but I want to continue to just walk.  Walking is the easiest thing any of us can do, exercise-wise.  I may roll my eyes at my personal trainer on whatever exercise she wants me to do.  However, in my mind, I realize I have to do it.  I am doing it to make my body stronger and to do the things I want to be able to do.  I am on an important journey.  I need to quit putting time limits on it - I just need to learn the lessons I find on this journey and keep those in mind.  I think that is what is really wearing me down - time lines.  Weight goals are one thing, but putting a time line on the goal is not really healthy.  Just work towards eating right and getting that exercise done.  I know I feel better and definitely sleep better.

So, by clearing out the clutter in my home, I am trying to create that calm place where I can escape from the world and rest.

God's Message to Me Today:

when you need a break, - take a break.

You will often find that the world does not crumble when you are resting. Others will move in to take care of those details that you think cannot be done without you.

This is something I am trying to learn every day.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Taking a Moment to Drink It All In...

Yesterday, a co-worker came to me and told me how wonderful it was to see me so happy.  It had been so long since she had seen me so happy.  She figured it had to be with the changes I was making in my life. 

I thought it was really nice of her to notice.  I had realized this past weekend, I had such a HUGE load taken off my shoulders.  I realized I spent some of that time either going over my writing workshop lessons or watching The Big Bang Theory.  I laughed a lot.  It was good to laugh and smile, rather than feeling broken down and sad.  To be perfectly honest, after the incident with my PCP, I was starting to go down that dark tunnel again.  However, once all was straightened out, I started feeling better.

Right now, I am just savoring these moments.  I can actually plan to do things and not feel obligated with other garbage.

I have gained a few pounds according to the scale.  Actually, since last Saturday morning, I have only gained 8 ounces.  Oddly enough, I was able to keep myself off the scale for the week, rather than getting on it every day to bemoan the highs and lows of the numbers.  Today, I plan on going to Joann's and getting a tape measure.  I am going to measure myself and keep track of those numbers.  I would imagine my body is going through a lot of different changes.

Last night, as I walked the dogs, I realized the jeans I was wearing fit a little loose and felt baggy in the back.  I continued to walk and feel good about that.  I have been able to wear a few shirts that I was never able to wear because the shirts were too tight around my stomach.  Now, the shirts are loose and I feel great about that.

I need to regain my determination towards movement, though.  I have noticed that I am falling back into that bad habit.  I must do my 30 to 45 minutes of cardio each day.  It is really important - it was what started me going in the first place.

I also need to get back on my drinking a gallon of water each day.  That way, the water helps to flush out the bad stuff in my system.

I have found myself picking up another habit.  In the mornings and afternoons, I enjoy a hot cup of tea with about 1/2 tbsp of honey.  In the mornings, I drink Twinings' Breakfast Tea and the afternoons, I drink Earl Grey.  Something about a hot cup of tea is rather calming and comforting.  I have been considering getting an electric kettle for making tea and such.  I am not happy with the kettle I have on the stove. I always worry about it rusting.

Today, after doing some quick shopping, I am going to catch up on my writing course.  I am a few lessons behind, so I am going to try to catch up on that.  Tomorrow, I will just take it easy.

God's Message To Me Today:

you were not created to remain within the confines of a building.

There is a whole big beautiful world that was created for you. Go forth into it! Humans were not made to be indoor creatures; nature is our true playground.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Every day, there is something that always reminds me of the choices we make and how those choices affect not only ourselves, but others around us.  I realize I may have been a bit harsh on a friend whose son has a drug problem.  However, that whole situation is rather toxic and it is affecting her judgment.  Someone from high school declined an invite to the upcoming reunion.  I was asked why this person chose not to attend the reunion.  I suggested that the person asking send an email to the person who declined.

I thought about that for a bit and wondered about those people who have never attended a reunion.  For myself, I have been to many of the reunions.  I wondered why I even go - most of my memories of high school were not that great.  I could not wait to graduate and head into college where it did not matter what you looked like, what clothes you wore, or any of that nonsense.  You were there to learn and you socialized with like-minded people.  Well, at least for me, that was how it worked.

I never joined a sorority or became a fraternity little sister.  I was not into that.  I just enjoyed going to class and hanging out with people.  My fondest memories revolve around my computer and mathematics courses.  In those instances, a group of us would get together to study and help one another.  In the end, it was impossible to not make friends.  I always loved my differential equations course.  My classmates were wonderfully funny, bright, and smart.  We always sat at the same table at the student union building and checked our homework together by discussing how we arrived at our answers.  If there was ever a time where I felt part of a group, it was at that time in my life.

So, I have digressed.  Back to the reunion choice.

Many people choose not to go to reunions because they are haunted by the ill-wills that were done to them during those years.  Another reason, dateless throughout those years?  For me, I have learned to let the past go.  We are all different people - or at least, we all should be at this age.  I attend the reunion to see those faces that I have lost touch over the years.  I just want to know that they are alive and all is well.  As for the bad memories, well, I admit, there are some people I would prefer not to see, but it is what it is.  I deal with it and if those people want nothing to do with me - I am good with that because in the end, they are not a permanent part of my life.

For those of you who choose not to go to reunions because you do not want to face the past, that is cool and I get it.  However, the one thing you miss is seeing those people who you did like and have not seen.  Life is too short to miss out on that.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Proof I Am Still a Nerd...

For the past week, I have been watching The Big Bang Theory from season one to six.  It is so funny, but it also makes me long for the days when I was in college.  As quirky as Sheldon Cooper is, I met so many people like him.

Last Friday, I bought a couple of video games.  I thought about how I had the game consoles and had not used them in awhile.  Working the strategy might release some tension.

I am trying to get myself back to walking in place.  I have been so horrible about getting back on my exercise routine.  I still see the personal trainer twice a week.  This past Tuesday, I did a lot of different exercises that worked on my core.  Unfortunately, my right hamstring kept hurting that evening and finally worked itself out after walking around a bit this morning.

I wonder if that is part of my problem.  I started slacking off on the walking in place after I started seeing the trainer.  Not sure why I am doing that.  I need to make it a point to do the walking in place or at least, walk somewhere.  I know I have been sore quite a bit each time I have been working out.  I just need to get it in a routine and do it more often.  Maybe that will work itself out.

I will say that since I have switched groups, I have thoroughly enjoyed the reduction of work stress in my life.  It is so good not to worry about someone calling or paging me about work.  It is such a relief.

Another cool thing - I have tickets to see NIN/Sound Garden, Eddie Izzard, and Fleetwood Mac - the line-up from 1975 to 1996.  I am so excited to see Christine McVie.  I loved her and Stevie Nicks.  I cannot wait!  I am still debating to see Sarah MacLachlan.  I really want to see her.  I saw her in 2004 and she put on an amazing show.  In fact, I cried through most of it as the songs really touched me.  I may check tomorrow to see what the ticket situation is for that show.

Time to deal with the laundry and dishes!

God's Message to Me:

you can get through a bad day.

When you're having a bad day, you have a choice. You can complain and gripe and dwell on the misery, or you can let go of it and look for the good, and maybe, just maybe, even laugh about it.