I am no longer sure I know what it means to have a "life" these days. I mean, I try to plan on doing some fun things and take time off from work, but either the timing is all wrong or I cannot enjoy those things without work interfering. I know most would say, "Quit answering the pager/smart phone!", but the problem is really just not that easy. Too many people seem to depend upon me to "fix" everything or know everything. While that is all very flattering, it tends to lead to issues. I am not too sure what I can do about it.
This week, I am having my own "heart to heart" regarding work, stress, and life. Here is the incident - After a system maintenance, some application had difficulty starting correctly and caused issues. Friday morning, I told everyone I had to leave for a doctor's appointment. No one seemed to listen too well. They did not want me to leave their "chat room" as the issue had not been resolved. I had communicated to a co-worker on what to do, but the issue was not something I could easily resolve, either. In the end, I just made it to my doctor's appointment. Furthermore, not much was accomplished in the hour and half I was away from my dining room table while at the appointment. I returned to my car with phone calls and such. I got home and requested that a DBA take down a couple of DBs. That seemed to rectify the issue, but the point being - no one really did anything while I was gone. Basically, they all waited until I returned.
The other part is when I do try to relinquish responsibility on something, I continually get dragged back into it when problems occur. The topper is that the same people expect me to know what is going on and fix it. You know, that is the point of relinquishing responsibility - make others know what is going on and they fix the issues - not me.
I never intended to write posts here about work, but this double-edge sword is killing me - literally. I can get no rest. I cannot enjoy much from life. Planning a vacation is pretty much a joke - always asked if I will be available if there is an issue. So what if there is an issue?! Why is that my responsibility?
Let's be honest. That feels like a lot of pressure and stress. Furthermore, it does nothing for my blood sugar issues. I had the visit with the doctor and I just sucked it up and said that there is no way for me to cook healthy foods as long as life is chained to a computer. I bought black and green kale to try and it got moldy. I want to be able to cook healthier foods for myself. I want to be able to have a life and enjoy it. Why is it, after 15 years of long, loyal, and successful service, am I still in this position? I would have thought after putting in so much time and making so many sacrifices that someone would say "I think she has had enough - let's give her something that does not require so much 'babying'". That just has not happened. The sickening part is that I have never once asked for a promotion since 2004. I did ask to be in a lead position where I was no longer on-call, but that never happened, either. That position was given to someone who had more knowledge and experience than me. The very same person who does not really understand the work we do or does not listen when told of consequences of his actions. Quite sad.
So, I sit here and think about how lovely it would be to win the lottery jackpot, retire from this job, and return back to school to complete my Bachelor's degree and get my Masters. How I could spend more time with my dogs and more importantly, get rid of my debt. I will say my debt is not too bad, but it is still there.
I am also tired of feeling so alone here. Most of my friends are in Fort Worth and no one rarely wants much to do with me here. I can understand why - most of the time, I cancel plans because there was some issue at work or I am on call. Small wonder I do not have a boyfriend. I wish I did - just for the companionship.
So, I face a new frontier with insulin shots. This is not for certain - until the blood work results return. However, I know I have not been eating as well as I should, so I am going to go with it. I understand that this will be easier on me. I suppose we shall see on this new journey.
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