Another video clip, Stevie discusses how there is never enough time. The basis of that discussion regarded the loss of her mother and how there were so many things she wanted to ask her, but that was taken away from her. As Stevie discussed growing up, I realized a few similarities in our lives. Both of our mothers grew up poor and when they were older, they managed the money that was brought into the home. I remembered mom handling the finances and would get angry with how my father would manage it.
Also, similar to Stevie's mother, my mother never wanted me to grow up to be dependent. My mom wanted me to be independent and tried to instill in me that my life was complete whether or not I got married. What was the traditional for many women, that did not have to be me. Unfortunately, I never really saw that until after she was gone. I was too caught up in what was "supposed to be."
The past week, I did a lot of reflecting on my life. I visited the same doctor that discovered my mom had colon cancer. My visit was the initial visit for getting a colonoscopy. I shudder at the very thought of that process, but it is something I have put off for seven years. I gave every reason why I did not have time - mainly due to work. After my father's examination, the same doctor told him that I really needed to go in and be checked out. Had my mother had the check up 10 years before, she may still be alive today.
I know that is a huge "IF", but at this point, we will never know what could have been for my mother. For me, however, it is a different story.
As I sat in the examination room, I thought about how this was the beginning of the fear and hopelessness for my mother. She knew at the time that there was something horribly wrong. All I could feel was how alone she must have felt at the time. Here I was - alone in this room with so many thoughts running through my mind. The one positive thought going through my mind was that right now, as far as I knew, I was not experiencing anything that my mother had been experiencing. Unfortunately, that was not a very good way to comfort myself. Something could be wrong and I do not realize it.
I had to grab some kleenex to wipe away the tears. I moved myself over to look at my work pager, so I could and push all of that out of my mind.
My weight has been bobbling up and down for the past week. At the doctor's office, I weighed 306. When I got home, I weighed 300 on the FitBit Aria scale. This morning, I got on the Aria and it marked 304. *sigh* I am trying, but the numbers just frustrate me.
While I was at my father's house, I did go walk the neighborhood as I had about 17 years ago. I could barely make one lap around the entire mobile home park without having to slow down a few times to catch my breath or ease some of the tension in my thighs and glutes. One lap around the entire park and a small lap around a section near the house was a good 30 minute walk. I did this twice, then work started interjecting. I had started something right around when I needed to be on-call and I should have waited. However, I kept saying that if I put it off and off, I would never just do it. I had to get off my butt and do it.
As I sit here today, I look at the disaster of an apartment I call home. I know it is a disaster because I barely have time to work on keeping it tidy. It seems overwhelming, but today, just today, do something to clear stuff out - achieve something and make myself feel good about it. Make the time to go swimming and do walking, but don't strive to get everything in at one time. I know I am trying to get my 10,000 steps per day in, but when I can get more steps into my routine over 2500, I feel I did pretty good that day.
Today's Message From God:
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