Lessons in Life...

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -- Bodhidharma

Anyone that knows me gets that I am not that deep.  However, I saw this quote posted and I stopped to think about it.  It made me realize that no matter how old I am or what I have gone through in life, I still have a lot to learn.

It caused me to reflect on the relationships I have in life.  While Facebook shows I have close to 500 friends, reality is that so very few actually reach out to me personally.  Those are people I know from elementary, middle, and high school, as well as relatives.  I also have some friends I have remained in contact with throughout college and work.  What do a majority of them all have in common:  They never really reach out to me to get together for lunch, dinner, a shopping trip, attend a new movie, and etc.  I am usually the one that reaches out to them.
 

I am not very close to any of my relatives due to my family always living far away from their own families.  I do have a cousin that lives in the area with his family, but for the most part, he never makes an effort to reach out to ask me over for dinner or what have you. Again, I am the one that reaches out to them.  Of course, they are always busy and that is how it is, right?

This year, I realized something about one friend, but it came too late.  When I was really frustrated and needed someone to vent, I learned that person was no longer there for me.  It hurt and the words still sting.  However, as I looked back upon it, I realized, I was getting pushed away and I should have seen that.  I thought best was to wrap up my loose endings with the friendship and let it go.  I still hear the words in my head and it hurts, but you have to respect that and move along.

A month ago, I found myself worried that I would have a job.  Every year, the company goes through a "cutting" of the staff.  In the past, I had felt confidence that my job was okay.  This year, not so much.  

I reached out to another friend who had gone through this herself.  Every time she went through this, she would reach out to me going on about how she needed her job and her fears.  I would take her out to dinner, listen, and try to remind her how appreciated she was in her job and that it was not possible to dispose of her.  Each time, her job was saved.

I reached out to this person to get some support and felt nothing but a cold end.  "Well, that is too bad."  "Sorry to hear that."  "Let me know what happens on that - I need to go so I can watch such and such show."

Wow...here, I had been there for her.  We went out to dinner a couple of times, but even after that, I felt no real compassion for my situation.  Now, I do not hear from her, so I figure I have the "disease" - She was on the list to be removed - stay away or you might get removed.

Again, I was deeply hurt.  

I never wish harm on anyone and know I am no saint or perfect.  I usually get along fine alone because it is what it is.  I do have some close friends and I appreciate their friendship.  Just that sometimes, it is hard being alone.  I tell myself, "You know, there are some people in this world who simply could not exist if they had to live as you do.  You make it work where they cannot.  It is what makes you stronger."  

That means, I go out to eat without fear of being alone.  I will go to the movies alone.  I will do what I want - alone.  Would I like for others to join me?  Sure, but if I really want it, I will do it alone.

So, how does that quote fit into all of this?  For all I can do, I cannot make people like me or want to be with me.  I have to learn not to be upset with them because it is what it is.  Forgive myself and learn to move on with life.  However, never forget how someone made me feel because someone else out there is probably feeling the same thing.  Just learn to be better.