I spent some time thinking about what the focus for this year should be. Not really a theme, but what is it that needs to be done. Nutshell: I need an overhaul.
I need to pull myself out of my 8+ year depressive funk and challenge myself to do the things that need to be done. I know why I have been depressed for so long. I have allowed other things in my life to derail me. I am not blaming anyone here but myself. I did things that I felt compelled to do and let other personal responsibilities go by the way side. That is not right, either.
After my mother passed away, I never really got to grieve over the loss. However, people where I worked found it perfectly acceptable to tell me to just throw myself into my work and "get on with it." I spent the better part of four years bending over backwards and doing work when I should have been relaxing, yet, getting nowhere in my profession. In fact, I was told that if I wanted to get ahead, then I would need to leave the company.
I finally get away from the oppressive situation, find someone who trusts me and has faith in me, then my physical ailments come into play. Again, another situation where I find myself just able to do the "work" work, but unable to take care of other responsibilities.
I have asked for help, but you know, help is dependent upon its own time table. There is the "help" that makes the offer and lets you know that it has no issue with tossing anything of yours away as it has no emotional attachment. Yeah - that is not going to work for me if you throw away something that meant something to me. In fact, let's just say, I will never speak to you again. Better to let that help go do something that it truly enjoys.
I have spent a better part of this year seeing a counselor and a dietician for my weight issues. However, I still get the whole "you should see about a gastric sleeve" by various people. Yes, I have a bias against the surgery. Mainly because once I get it done, there is no going back to how it used to be. No more enjoying eating a banana if I wanted. No more enjoying some foods that I really do like, even if I do not eat them on a regular basis. There has to be a better way for me to lose weight and damn it, I am going to find it.
I am more depressed that someone close to me, when told about my recent issue, made the statement that I needed to "quit eating cakes, cookies, and sweets". There is more to my eating habits than just eating sweets. If this person spent more time getting to know me, rather than staying away, that person would find that I do not always eat a lot of sweets. I eat a lot of healthy foods as well. I starve myself because I may miss my breakfast and I end up making up for it by eating an outrageous fast food meal. How to break the bad habits - for this person, eating two meals is enough, but I have watched that same person eat a load of crap as well. So, do not be coming to me with the suggestion that I should quit eating sweets as that is the issue. It is not. Small wonder I struggle with anger issues.
My home and physical self reflects the chaos that my life has endured the past eight years. The only person that sees it and is trying to help is the counselor. If I do not go to food, then I allow something else in my life to go to hell. This was not what I had intended - it happened.
So, this year, it is time to overhaul "Me". It is time to allow those close to me who hurt me with careless statements to get an earful, rather than soaking it into my being. Let go of the things that are holding me down - emotional and physical. If I get something done, do not sit and criticize how you could have done it better. Nod and say, "Good job!" Nutshell, this year is about "ME". So, I am going to be that selfish bitch. I think I have earned it.
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