Facebook friend started the day like that. I have to admit - yes, it will be another "Manic Monday." Yesterday, unfortunately, was not a "funday" for me. The ice maker is starting to break down. I went to Target and bought a portable ice machine. I cannot say it was a bad purchase. By getting the machine, it forced me to clear out the corner across from the refrigerator. I vacuumed and mopped up the kitchen floor, then set up where the ice machine and TV tray would be placed, then arranged where the dog food would be placed. I also got the garbage pail set up as well. I may buy a new one from Container Store.
I took Chloe to the vet today for her second liver test. I hope the vet can come up with a good game plan for her. This week, my main goals is to determine what to do with the food in the refrigerator as well as pantry. Also, I need to clear out a bunch of stuff. The place is just cluttered up and I need to reorganize.
Tonight, I will sit down and re-evaluate what needs to be done and start a game plan. I am going to get this place cleaned up.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
What does it mean to have a "life"?
I am no longer sure I know what it means to have a "life" these days. I mean, I try to plan on doing some fun things and take time off from work, but either the timing is all wrong or I cannot enjoy those things without work interfering. I know most would say, "Quit answering the pager/smart phone!", but the problem is really just not that easy. Too many people seem to depend upon me to "fix" everything or know everything. While that is all very flattering, it tends to lead to issues. I am not too sure what I can do about it.
This week, I am having my own "heart to heart" regarding work, stress, and life. Here is the incident - After a system maintenance, some application had difficulty starting correctly and caused issues. Friday morning, I told everyone I had to leave for a doctor's appointment. No one seemed to listen too well. They did not want me to leave their "chat room" as the issue had not been resolved. I had communicated to a co-worker on what to do, but the issue was not something I could easily resolve, either. In the end, I just made it to my doctor's appointment. Furthermore, not much was accomplished in the hour and half I was away from my dining room table while at the appointment. I returned to my car with phone calls and such. I got home and requested that a DBA take down a couple of DBs. That seemed to rectify the issue, but the point being - no one really did anything while I was gone. Basically, they all waited until I returned.
The other part is when I do try to relinquish responsibility on something, I continually get dragged back into it when problems occur. The topper is that the same people expect me to know what is going on and fix it. You know, that is the point of relinquishing responsibility - make others know what is going on and they fix the issues - not me.
I never intended to write posts here about work, but this double-edge sword is killing me - literally. I can get no rest. I cannot enjoy much from life. Planning a vacation is pretty much a joke - always asked if I will be available if there is an issue. So what if there is an issue?! Why is that my responsibility?
Let's be honest. That feels like a lot of pressure and stress. Furthermore, it does nothing for my blood sugar issues. I had the visit with the doctor and I just sucked it up and said that there is no way for me to cook healthy foods as long as life is chained to a computer. I bought black and green kale to try and it got moldy. I want to be able to cook healthier foods for myself. I want to be able to have a life and enjoy it. Why is it, after 15 years of long, loyal, and successful service, am I still in this position? I would have thought after putting in so much time and making so many sacrifices that someone would say "I think she has had enough - let's give her something that does not require so much 'babying'". That just has not happened. The sickening part is that I have never once asked for a promotion since 2004. I did ask to be in a lead position where I was no longer on-call, but that never happened, either. That position was given to someone who had more knowledge and experience than me. The very same person who does not really understand the work we do or does not listen when told of consequences of his actions. Quite sad.
So, I sit here and think about how lovely it would be to win the lottery jackpot, retire from this job, and return back to school to complete my Bachelor's degree and get my Masters. How I could spend more time with my dogs and more importantly, get rid of my debt. I will say my debt is not too bad, but it is still there.
I am also tired of feeling so alone here. Most of my friends are in Fort Worth and no one rarely wants much to do with me here. I can understand why - most of the time, I cancel plans because there was some issue at work or I am on call. Small wonder I do not have a boyfriend. I wish I did - just for the companionship.
So, I face a new frontier with insulin shots. This is not for certain - until the blood work results return. However, I know I have not been eating as well as I should, so I am going to go with it. I understand that this will be easier on me. I suppose we shall see on this new journey.
This week, I am having my own "heart to heart" regarding work, stress, and life. Here is the incident - After a system maintenance, some application had difficulty starting correctly and caused issues. Friday morning, I told everyone I had to leave for a doctor's appointment. No one seemed to listen too well. They did not want me to leave their "chat room" as the issue had not been resolved. I had communicated to a co-worker on what to do, but the issue was not something I could easily resolve, either. In the end, I just made it to my doctor's appointment. Furthermore, not much was accomplished in the hour and half I was away from my dining room table while at the appointment. I returned to my car with phone calls and such. I got home and requested that a DBA take down a couple of DBs. That seemed to rectify the issue, but the point being - no one really did anything while I was gone. Basically, they all waited until I returned.
The other part is when I do try to relinquish responsibility on something, I continually get dragged back into it when problems occur. The topper is that the same people expect me to know what is going on and fix it. You know, that is the point of relinquishing responsibility - make others know what is going on and they fix the issues - not me.
I never intended to write posts here about work, but this double-edge sword is killing me - literally. I can get no rest. I cannot enjoy much from life. Planning a vacation is pretty much a joke - always asked if I will be available if there is an issue. So what if there is an issue?! Why is that my responsibility?
Let's be honest. That feels like a lot of pressure and stress. Furthermore, it does nothing for my blood sugar issues. I had the visit with the doctor and I just sucked it up and said that there is no way for me to cook healthy foods as long as life is chained to a computer. I bought black and green kale to try and it got moldy. I want to be able to cook healthier foods for myself. I want to be able to have a life and enjoy it. Why is it, after 15 years of long, loyal, and successful service, am I still in this position? I would have thought after putting in so much time and making so many sacrifices that someone would say "I think she has had enough - let's give her something that does not require so much 'babying'". That just has not happened. The sickening part is that I have never once asked for a promotion since 2004. I did ask to be in a lead position where I was no longer on-call, but that never happened, either. That position was given to someone who had more knowledge and experience than me. The very same person who does not really understand the work we do or does not listen when told of consequences of his actions. Quite sad.
So, I sit here and think about how lovely it would be to win the lottery jackpot, retire from this job, and return back to school to complete my Bachelor's degree and get my Masters. How I could spend more time with my dogs and more importantly, get rid of my debt. I will say my debt is not too bad, but it is still there.
I am also tired of feeling so alone here. Most of my friends are in Fort Worth and no one rarely wants much to do with me here. I can understand why - most of the time, I cancel plans because there was some issue at work or I am on call. Small wonder I do not have a boyfriend. I wish I did - just for the companionship.
So, I face a new frontier with insulin shots. This is not for certain - until the blood work results return. However, I know I have not been eating as well as I should, so I am going to go with it. I understand that this will be easier on me. I suppose we shall see on this new journey.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Restless night...
I think the Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Cafe Latte was a bad choice last night. I tossed and turned most of the night. Bo finally climbed on top of me, which is his way of saying "I need to go potty."
I got up and walked the dogs in the bitter cold. OMG! It was so cold at 4 AM. I could not wait for them to decide to head back to the apartment.
Once I was back, I looked at the mess I call "home" and decided to get a few things done:
I measured my blood sugar. It was 215. I was happy about that because I have been trying like crazy to get it down way below 300. Now, I have to keep my head down and continue working on eating right. I was afraid with the cheeseburger and small amount of fries, I was a goner. Also, the latte can cause me headaches. I was lucky.
I will continue to work on my projects at work and delegate a lot of the other duties to the contractors. Still, people come directly to me for issues. I know it is job security, but so many people do not follow process that it is annoying.
Time to get cleaned up and run the dogs back outside before heading into work.
I got up and walked the dogs in the bitter cold. OMG! It was so cold at 4 AM. I could not wait for them to decide to head back to the apartment.
Once I was back, I looked at the mess I call "home" and decided to get a few things done:
- Did 4 loads of laundry
- Paid my bills
- Emptied out my dishwasher
I measured my blood sugar. It was 215. I was happy about that because I have been trying like crazy to get it down way below 300. Now, I have to keep my head down and continue working on eating right. I was afraid with the cheeseburger and small amount of fries, I was a goner. Also, the latte can cause me headaches. I was lucky.
I will continue to work on my projects at work and delegate a lot of the other duties to the contractors. Still, people come directly to me for issues. I know it is job security, but so many people do not follow process that it is annoying.
Time to get cleaned up and run the dogs back outside before heading into work.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tired of people putting me into the "we" and "us"...
When I was told I had type 2 diabetes in 11/2006, the only person I knew that had type 2 diabetes was my father. My father and mother attended a required diabetes course. My mother gave me my father's notebook, which was full of information. My own doctor set me up with a course that I would need to take. The difference between the two courses was the amount of time spent.
The course provided me with a nurse, who had type 1 diabetes, and a nutritionist/dietician. For the first two days, I was slammed with a lot of information and I got a little scared. My mom was able to calm me down and make me see that I could control the disease. Basically, my numbers were very high, but as my mom explained, if it were really bad, the doctor would have me in the hospital.
I followed what I was told to do. I threw out all of the candy and garbage that I had in the apartment and started changing how I looked at food. I bought lots of fresh vegetables and took extreme care in making out my meals. I admit, there were times where I needed something to eat and I chose a little summer sausage and cheese to get me through the spell.
By the last visit, a month later, I had lost 13 lbs and my A1C was going down considerably. I ended up losing about 50 lbs during that time. Then, life started to get complicated. I let it get to me and started losing control. That was *my* problem. This is not a pity party - just an admission of the facts.
During my time of dealing with the condition, I learned a co-worker had it as well. I envied her because she would eat muffins and drink regular Coca-Cola. However, I learned that her numbers stunk and she envied me for how strict I was being. It motivated her to try to chose better.
It was good for me to know someone other than my father had the condition. What was really nice was she never told anyone else or make it a public announcement to a restaurant's wait staff that we had type 2 diabetes. I was allowed to make my choices without any real judgement. I chose salads, grilled meats, and veggies as I could. We still talk every once in awhile about where our medical lives are concerning the condition.
Another co-worker/friend recently was told she had type 2 diabetes. When I found out, I would try to pick restaurants where there were reasonable choices, but she would always want me to get dessert or what have you. It was tough to handle. Now, she announces to wait staff that we had type 2 diabetes and we need special treatment. Furthermore, when she discusses the condition, it is always "we" and "us". The piece that pisses me off the most is that refuses to attend the course because she believes she can learn more from books. She has not learned squat about it.
The whole thing annoys me to no end. I do not want to be included in her group of bullshit. "Oh, I do not like wheat bread." Well, go look at Wonder's Smart Choice bread - low in carb and tastes better. I just do not think she gets it. There is a reason to take the course - to help you understand and control the condition. I mean, seriously, you get a nutritionist who can help you understand how many carbs you need to have per day and managed that. I read books and web sites, but I found that getting professional guidance was a good thing.
I guess I am tired of people who think they know it all. If I have been through it, I will tell you the facts straight up. Other than that, I do not know it all because I am constantly learning every day.
The course provided me with a nurse, who had type 1 diabetes, and a nutritionist/dietician. For the first two days, I was slammed with a lot of information and I got a little scared. My mom was able to calm me down and make me see that I could control the disease. Basically, my numbers were very high, but as my mom explained, if it were really bad, the doctor would have me in the hospital.
I followed what I was told to do. I threw out all of the candy and garbage that I had in the apartment and started changing how I looked at food. I bought lots of fresh vegetables and took extreme care in making out my meals. I admit, there were times where I needed something to eat and I chose a little summer sausage and cheese to get me through the spell.
By the last visit, a month later, I had lost 13 lbs and my A1C was going down considerably. I ended up losing about 50 lbs during that time. Then, life started to get complicated. I let it get to me and started losing control. That was *my* problem. This is not a pity party - just an admission of the facts.
During my time of dealing with the condition, I learned a co-worker had it as well. I envied her because she would eat muffins and drink regular Coca-Cola. However, I learned that her numbers stunk and she envied me for how strict I was being. It motivated her to try to chose better.
It was good for me to know someone other than my father had the condition. What was really nice was she never told anyone else or make it a public announcement to a restaurant's wait staff that we had type 2 diabetes. I was allowed to make my choices without any real judgement. I chose salads, grilled meats, and veggies as I could. We still talk every once in awhile about where our medical lives are concerning the condition.
Another co-worker/friend recently was told she had type 2 diabetes. When I found out, I would try to pick restaurants where there were reasonable choices, but she would always want me to get dessert or what have you. It was tough to handle. Now, she announces to wait staff that we had type 2 diabetes and we need special treatment. Furthermore, when she discusses the condition, it is always "we" and "us". The piece that pisses me off the most is that refuses to attend the course because she believes she can learn more from books. She has not learned squat about it.
The whole thing annoys me to no end. I do not want to be included in her group of bullshit. "Oh, I do not like wheat bread." Well, go look at Wonder's Smart Choice bread - low in carb and tastes better. I just do not think she gets it. There is a reason to take the course - to help you understand and control the condition. I mean, seriously, you get a nutritionist who can help you understand how many carbs you need to have per day and managed that. I read books and web sites, but I found that getting professional guidance was a good thing.
I guess I am tired of people who think they know it all. If I have been through it, I will tell you the facts straight up. Other than that, I do not know it all because I am constantly learning every day.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Back to the grind...
It is a little after 8 AM and the dogs have been walked. The weather is rainy today. I would rather be back in my snug bed, but someone has to make some money. LOL
It will be a busy day, that is for sure, but that will keep my mind off of food. When I get bored, I tend to eat. Since it is raining, I know a certain person will stay home and work. That should help me get some more stuff done.
I neglected to take my medications last night and my blood sugar shows it. I will take those while I eat breakfast.
My place still looks a wreck, but that is because I did nothing this weekend. I suppose I need to do a little house cleaning each evening before plopping on my butt. More over, I need to keep work I take home down to a minimum, so that I can do more housework.
Morning Blood Sugar: 320
It will be a busy day, that is for sure, but that will keep my mind off of food. When I get bored, I tend to eat. Since it is raining, I know a certain person will stay home and work. That should help me get some more stuff done.
I neglected to take my medications last night and my blood sugar shows it. I will take those while I eat breakfast.
My place still looks a wreck, but that is because I did nothing this weekend. I suppose I need to do a little house cleaning each evening before plopping on my butt. More over, I need to keep work I take home down to a minimum, so that I can do more housework.
Morning Blood Sugar: 320
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Taking the first step...
I joined Weight Watchers today. Usually, I blow it off, but I am going to give it a chance. I have to do something, but more importantly, I have got to get more activity into my routine.
I am doing the Weight Watchers Online program. I hope that works out for me. I hope it will be a bit easier to keep up with the meals and such since there are apps I can use to update what I have eaten. It is one way to hold myself accountable about what I put in my mouth. Not really sure about the part where fruit and vegetables are considered 0 points. I suppose I need to figure out how this will work with my diabetic/carb maintenance.
I hope this works out.
I am doing the Weight Watchers Online program. I hope that works out for me. I hope it will be a bit easier to keep up with the meals and such since there are apps I can use to update what I have eaten. It is one way to hold myself accountable about what I put in my mouth. Not really sure about the part where fruit and vegetables are considered 0 points. I suppose I need to figure out how this will work with my diabetic/carb maintenance.
I hope this works out.
A year ago...
I started this blog a year ago and not with much change on my diabetes. However, there have been a lot of changes within the year. Upon reflection:
I got a new car
I tried new foods - some agreed with me and others did not
Attended more baseball and hockey games
Made it to a movie - Pirates of the Carribean
Made better efforts to choose healthier foods over the crap (that is always tough)
I found myself becoming more lethargic with life, though. I need to move on and get past my mother's death. I want badly to pull out of the depression and get happy. I know that is what is missing in my life - happiness.
I always fall for men who are completely out of my possibility of attaining any attraction. I know it is because I am protecting my heart and feelings, but it still hurts.
I find it fascinating that my father can get dates and I cannot even make one.
Right now, I am facing the horrible foe of seeing the doctor and only to find out my A1C has not changed and I have to go on insulin. I am scared and feel like a failure. I know I should not feel like that. I did what I could, but I feel like a failure in that aspect. Maybe I did not do enough? I know I did not get enough exercise. Hell - I hate wasting money on a gym membership. Then, again, work has barely afforded me any "me" time. When I took off for vacation for the last two weeks of the year, it felt so good to just get the rest I needed. I was completely exhausted. As Danny Glover says in the "Lethal Weapon" movies, "I am too old for this shit."
However, I stand back and look at the situation and realize that I am lucky to have this job - or any job for that matter. I thank the Lord for all that has been given to me and try to keep my complaints to a minimum. Still, there are those days.
So, here we are. I am trying to make changes in my life. Rather than pushing away those things that I just cannot see me doing, I need to embrace them. As for the gym, I have tons of work out videos as well as Wii Fit. Let's get to the point where I need the gym for more advanced activities. No sense in spending money on that,now. I think I will join Weight Watchers and see where I go there. I have avoided it, but since I can do it on-line, it might be more helpful to me.
Wish me luck on making the changes I need to make to have a healthier, better life. I want to change. I want to be healthy. Most importantly, I want to be happy and carefree again.
I got a new car
I tried new foods - some agreed with me and others did not
Attended more baseball and hockey games
Made it to a movie - Pirates of the Carribean
Made better efforts to choose healthier foods over the crap (that is always tough)
I found myself becoming more lethargic with life, though. I need to move on and get past my mother's death. I want badly to pull out of the depression and get happy. I know that is what is missing in my life - happiness.
I always fall for men who are completely out of my possibility of attaining any attraction. I know it is because I am protecting my heart and feelings, but it still hurts.
I find it fascinating that my father can get dates and I cannot even make one.
Right now, I am facing the horrible foe of seeing the doctor and only to find out my A1C has not changed and I have to go on insulin. I am scared and feel like a failure. I know I should not feel like that. I did what I could, but I feel like a failure in that aspect. Maybe I did not do enough? I know I did not get enough exercise. Hell - I hate wasting money on a gym membership. Then, again, work has barely afforded me any "me" time. When I took off for vacation for the last two weeks of the year, it felt so good to just get the rest I needed. I was completely exhausted. As Danny Glover says in the "Lethal Weapon" movies, "I am too old for this shit."
However, I stand back and look at the situation and realize that I am lucky to have this job - or any job for that matter. I thank the Lord for all that has been given to me and try to keep my complaints to a minimum. Still, there are those days.
So, here we are. I am trying to make changes in my life. Rather than pushing away those things that I just cannot see me doing, I need to embrace them. As for the gym, I have tons of work out videos as well as Wii Fit. Let's get to the point where I need the gym for more advanced activities. No sense in spending money on that,now. I think I will join Weight Watchers and see where I go there. I have avoided it, but since I can do it on-line, it might be more helpful to me.
Wish me luck on making the changes I need to make to have a healthier, better life. I want to change. I want to be healthy. Most importantly, I want to be happy and carefree again.
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