Monday, November 21, 2016

Scary Times Ahead...

I try not to worry and allow life to run its course, but unfortunately, my mind just won't let me.  This past week, I was completely stressed out over getting my first set of injections done for my right side of my back.  Mainly because I was worried about my potassium levels.  I got the same nurse who had issues putting the IV in my vein under my wrist last time.  So, that did not put much strength into my faith that all would be okay.

The nurse did get the IV into a vein on top of my left hand.  However, when she drew blood for labs, the machine returned that my potassium level was 7.  I hit the roof mentally.  I need this to work!  I have to get this done and I need to get it done now - not next year when I have to pay more money to have it done.

So, this nurse decides to rerun the labs by drawing more blood.  She tries every port in the IV, but nothing comes out.  However, I am bleeding like a stuck pig all over the place.  I nearly lost it.  She decides to try to pull blood from my right arm.  She needs the vein finder to do it.  She gets in the skin and starts mucking about with the needle.  It hurt like hell and she finally gave up when there was no blood to be taken.  She went to get another nurse.  That nurse finds a good vein, gets the needle in, and is able to pull enough blood to show that my potassium level was 5.1, which is the high end of normal, but I am able to get in there and get the shots done.  

The only person I felt even remotely comfortable with this time around was the anesthesiologist.  God bless him - I am not sure what I would have done if he had not been there.  He put me at ease and talked me down from where I was mentally.  I was able to get the shots I needed in my back, but I so did not need that hell.

As to how I am doing with my back, well, I still have a lot of pain, but I feel it pulling mainly on the left side.  The injections hurt a lot, so this second time, I will make sure to use plenty of ice packs to help with the swelling.

The next day, I went to see my OB-GYN.  I watched a video on how a D&C is performed.  Next, I signed some paperwork and the doctor came to talk to me.  I discussed with her about my high potassium levels and explained that I could not take Motrin due to my kidneys.  She looked at me and said "You just cannot catch a break, can you?"  That was when I broke down and cried.  I said that my mother's cancer issues started with her having cervical cancer in 1980, then she had vulvular cancer in 1998, and the rest of the history.  I cried and said I was so scared because I have no idea what is going on inside of me.

She held my hand and reassured me that we were going to make this okay.  I laughed and said, I am praying that my body is just being a weirdo, as usual.  I told her how I thought I had PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome) - I had never been regular with my periods, overweight all my life, and the dark hair around and under my chin area that I have to shave.  She told me that she would call me with the results - good or bad - I would not hear anything from a nurse - period.  Next, she had the idea that while I was out and she was performing the D&C, she would insert a Meridia IUD - the thought is that everything will be okay - just that my lining is thick and needs to be scraped out.  The IUD would release progesterone to help the lining properly slough off in layers, rather than gobs.

I have to go to the hospital tomorrow to have more blood work drawn up in preparation for the procedure to take place next Wednesday.

Next, I have issues with Chloe and her constant diarrhea.  I took her to the vet to get her checked.  She got a couple of shots and the vet adjusted her medication.  Chloe came home and just would not take any meds - period.  She would not even eat her soft food.  It has been hell the past several days with her.  She is finally getting around to eating her soft food as long as I heat it up a bit in the microwave.  Tomorrow, I am going to poach some chicken and cook some rice for Bo and her to eat.  I think both dogs would benefit from having a bland diet.

I have a grooming appointment set up for both dogs, but I am scared to send Chloe.  She really needs the grooming badly and I cannot do it due to my back.  I have a difficult enough time just bending over to clean up the poop on both dogs, then carry Chloe back up the stairs.  I feel awful, but I just cannot do as much still.

While none of this is Chloe's fault, I am so down trodden over everything.  It is almost like when I was caring for my mother while she was dying.  I am trying whatever I can do to try to save Chloe and myself.  It just feels like it is never enough.  In the meantime, everything else around me is spinning so fast out of control.  I scream for it all to stop and give me a break, but it is just not happening.

I ask the rhetorical question - Why?  However, is there ever any "right" time for anything?  What is the lesson to be learned here?  I just do not get it and I feel completely lost.

I know my hormones have been out of whack.  Maybe it is something someone will notice other than myself.  However, no matter how hard I try to "give it to God", my mind races around with "What ifs".  I just wish I had someone to just hold my hand and tell me it will be okay.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to be scared.  You will not be alone.

...It is hard being strong and alone...I know that is my fate in this life, but I do not have to admire or like it.

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