When Giving "Thanks" Turns into Tears...

Yesterday, I had to take Chloe back to I-20 for a recheck.  This time, she would get a sonogram and x-rays done.  Overall, Chloe had started back to eating, but she had a small incident with diarrhea.  Chloe's vet came back into the room alone and gave me the bad news.  There appears to be a large lesion on Chloe's liver.  I was stunned and yet, I am not sure why.  Maybe because I had always hoped that Chloe would simply go to sleep one night and not wake up.  I could bear that.  I would not like it, but it would be easier to make sense and I would avoid the heartache of making that huge decision.

I suppose that is why my mother wanted me to care for Chloe after she passed away.  She figured I could handle the hardest of decisions.  Honestly, none of us can handle those decisions, especially with those closest to us.  Chloe has been a large part of my life for a long time.  Nothing makes me feel more loved than to be sleeping in bed and feel her little body pressed against mine.

Trying to celebrate Thanksgiving yesterday was not easy.  I kept crying like a big baby, but I tried to keep positive.  I have months and maybe even years depending on how things go.  She is and always be the sweetest of girls and carries my heart.  She reminds me that I can love and be loved.  I love her to the very core because she was just so very special.  When she passes away, that chapter of my life regarding my mother will be closed.  

So, for the time I have with Chloe, I will work hard to make her comfortable and happy.  She deserves all of the good stuff life has to offer - chicken with rice and cupcakes.

I tell Bo that he will have to be prepared for his mamma to lose it because I will when she passes away.  I am so very thankful to have Chloe in my life and I will be so very sad when she takes off to be with my mom.  I know Chloe's vet was trying to ease the pain by telling me that I did a good job taking good care of her.  However, I am grateful for Chloe's vet in that she told me that we needed to just make her comfortable and dissuaded me from any thoughts that would make life more painful for her, which is not what I want.

Right now, I have spent the day breaking down in tears grieving a bit over the news, then worrying over my own issues.  Just praying to be strong enough to handle everything.