Reviewing life...

This afternoon, I was driving my new Hyundai Tuscon to meet my best friend, Sharon, for lunch.  I found myself testing out some of the features of the car and thinking about my mom.

With all of the craziness at work, I really have not had much of an opportunity to really explore the vehicle.  I have enjoyed talking to people on the phone using the built-in bluetooth speaker system.  No worries on taking a call and the bluetooth earpiece loses battery life - the car takes over and I like that.

The car also comes with AM/FM/Sirius XM radio, iPod/iPhone connection, and a CD player.  I had played around with going through the different "modes" using the steering wheel controls.  Saturday night, as I was leaving Chrissy and Scotty's house, I was flipping through the different XM stations.  Quite a few are good and some interest me.  One problem - I can only select 18 channels - that stinks, but okay.

Something that made me curious.  I had hooked up my iPhone and 3rd generation iPod (1st/2nd generation iPods do not work with the iPod connector - fooey) and had a little fun with going through the playlists and such.  However, what made me scratch my head was "Phone - mp3 player".  The controls on the radio and steering wheel do not make this work.  I pulled out my iPhone and started up the player on "How Long".  Soon, I heard Paul Carrack's voice coming over the sound system.  I laughed. 

It was at this point I thought of my mom.  I had spent the weekend at my parents' house alone.  My father wanted to stay at my apartment so that he could see his girlfriend.  I went to the urn and stroked it a few times and told "mom" I was at home.  I always cry.  It is just so hard to get over her not being there.

I thought of how much my mom loved music herself.  It was one of the things that we really shared - that love for music.  Listening to "How Long" reminded me of her and living in West Monroe, LA.  Sometimes, she would get in her Mercury Marquis and we would drive up to Arkansas to visit her friends and family there.  She would always have the radio on and that song reminded me of all of those trips.  I smiled thinking about how she would probably change the station, not because it went out of area, but looking for some other song that she wanted to hear.

I hope that where she may be, she is happy, laughing, and sharing funny stories.  I have this image of her, Aunt Jewel, Uncle Howard, and Aunt Barbara telling stories and jokes.  Aunt Marie making coffee and all of those wonderful cakes and pies, sharing her stories as well.

I love and miss you mom!

November, already?

The past couple of months have just flown by me.  Needless to say, most of my time has been wrapped up with working day and night and stressing me out.  I tried to take a week off for vacation, but that was a lost cause.  Now, my worries are that my blood sugar levels are nowhere where I wanted them to be.

A week off from work was not going to help my high blood sugar.  My problem was that I succumb to constantly eating out, rather than fixing my own meals.  I did it, yet, again.  Why?  Because it was easier to get something as I did not have time to cook for myself.  Of course, I picked out the wrong things to eat.  I bought veggies and worked to eat the right things.  However, it gets more and more difficult when you are placed on such a tight timeline due to other people's planning.

I have always given in to doing whatever with the hope that I would get noticed for the extra effort.  I am finding that my extra effort is not really worth it.  I need to just keep to my guns and say "No."  I need to protect myself.

I need to get some groceries.  I have barely anything in the refrigerator because I was on-call this past week.  I was unable to make it to the grocery store to get anything.  I would go today, but with my stomach problems today, I think it is best I stay close to home.  However, it might be better for me to go out and pick up a few things, like milk, bread, toilet paper, and such.  I may do that after 5 PM.  Technically, I took today off because I was not feeling well, but I do need to pick up some necessities.

Troubling times...

So far, I have lost about 10 lbs since I got strict with what food I eat.  That is a good thing.  My blood sugar numbers still stink, but they are getting lower.  Work is really stressing me out, but I am trying to figure out how to rid myself of that stress.  It has been unbelievable.

Luckily, tomorrow, I am off from work.  I have not gotten much done this weekend due to work.  Next weekend, I hope to get more done.  I did manage to catch up on some sleep on Saturday and Sunday.  On Saturday, I took the dogs out for their walk, picked up my meds from WalMart, splurged to get some donuts with milk, then headed back to bed at 1 PM.  By 6 PM, I was back up and walking the dogs.  Nothing like a 5 hour nap.  I felt a little drained, but I needed the sleep.  Last week was horrible.

Today, I managed to get the kitchen cleaned up and baked some sugar free brownies.  I am seriously thinking of a sugar free brownie topped with some sugar free country vanilla ice cream.  I may try that a bit later.

I went to the grocery store.  Man - it was obscene how much it cost me to get out of there.  I bought a lot of fruit and veggies.  I also got some meat - hamburger, turkey tenderloins, turkey smoked sausage, pork loin, and pork loin chops.  I have thought about making mom's Hungarian Chicken Goulash with some fat free sour cream and whole wheat fanfalle pasta.  Unfortunately, I will have to pick up an onion, chicken boullion cubes, and the sour cream.

I am going to continue working on getting my blood sugar numbers down.  As I said before, it just was going to take time and the bonus is the weight loss.

No numbers at this time.

A Tough Road Ahead...

Morning Numbers:

BS:  200
BP:  125/79
Pul:  83

I am taking my meds and I am already getting frustrated with the numbers.  I know - Rome was not built in a day, so your numbers won't automatically go down in a few days.  I just have to keep reminding myself - it is one day at a time.  You did not gain weight overnight, so it won't be gone overnight.  Somehow, we all wish that was the way it went.  Here today - gone tomorrow.  Alas, that is not to be.

My doggies are back home as of yesterday.  Had some trouble with Chloe last night.  She was very restless.  It was like no matter what, she was never comfortable.  I lost my patience with her and that was completely stupid of me.  I had to walk away a bit.  Now, that I think back to it and make some realizations, PMS is starting up.  I should have recognized the symptoms:  Easily irritated, bloated, no matter what, I cannot cool down.  I hate it. 

Once I got my nerves back on a slow patience, I realized that she probably needed a pain pill.  I still have a few for her, so once she got that, she settled down for the night.  Now, she is resting peacefully, but I felt like a really idiot for not realizing it.

I think the heat is getting the better of all of us.  The dogs are drinking water like it is going out of style.  I have been making sure that their water bowl is full and has ice in it.  Also, I have made sure that the temperature in the apartment is reasonable.

Today, I plan on getting a mani/pedi.  That way, my toenails get clipped properly and not the butcher job I do.  After that, I am going to get groceries for the week.  I hope to make out a good meal plan for the week.  I just do not want to think about having to deal with "Oh, what to eat?"  Also, that will help me get my diabetes and weight loss under control.

Got the baseline - now to work on the changes

Yesterday morning, I got the call from my doctor's office with an update on my blood work results.  Going in, I knew the numbers would be bad.  I was not too disappointed with the 179 fasting blood sugar.  In the past, I have seen that number at 350, so I have that number a positive spin.

My a1c, on the other hand, indicated some serious issues.  It was 12.  The doctor's nurse indicated that my diabetes had really gone out of control and if I continue down this route, I will end up with kidney shutdown.  I had expected a high number, but not 12.  I stammered a lot on the phone when asking about the other meds I am taking and how to go about getting the refills.  The number weighed heavily on my mind.  12.

I went out to eat with a co-worker from out of town for lunch.  I ate the salad and had artichoke chicken with capers.  I did not eat all of the salad nor did I eat all of the pasta on the plate.  Pat on the back for me for that.  I have been carrying around a lunch bag with snacks like grapes, melons and strawberries, sugar free jello, cheese and crackers, and the like.  Things I know will help me stay on track.

For dinner, I blew it a bit.  However, I will get back on track today.  Today is the last day for class, so I won't need to "go out to eat" tonight.  I have enjoyed getting to meet and know this co-worker, but it is time for me to get back onto taking care of me.

I am going to ask my father if he would take care of Bo and Chloe one more day.  After work tomorrow, I will head over to his house and spend the night.  On Saturday, I will tote the "kiddos" home.  I know those little dogs miss me, but for the past few nights, I have been going to bed between 9:30 - 10:00 AM and getting up at 4:30-5:00 AM.  That is very odd of me, but I have ignored the pager and just tried to get some restful sleep.  When I get the dogs back, that will not be the case.

The main reason for my wanting an extra day is to get my medications.  I hate to drive all the way over there, drive all the way back for work the next day and not get my meds.  I figured it would be easier to just come home, pick up the meds on my way home, get some housework done, and go to bed early.  On Friday, after work, just head over to my father's house.  I could spend the night, then pack everyone up and head home that morning.

I hate leaving Bo and Chloe there longer, but the gas prices are so high and it is such a pain to drive back and forth.

Time to get ready for work:

Morning:

BS:  243
BP:  132/82
Pul: 81

Good Morning, Monday!

Here is my first positive attempt this morning - greet Monday with a smile.  I will admit, the weekend just was not long enough for me.  However, I have a break in the middle of the week.  I am taking off Wednesday to see my doctor.  I am so full of fear of being put on insulin injections.  I need to stop that and maybe see if we can try some other oral medication with the metformin. 

This morning, my blood sugar was 214.  That is the lowest it has been in weeks - a good thing.  While I look at that in a positive light, I know I still have work to do on getting that number at a lower value.  Patience, my dear, Melissa, patience.  I just have to keep working hard on eating healthy and keep those good habits going and bad habits in check.  I have to do this for me because I want to be able to do stuff in my life.  I do not want this disease to control my life; I need to control it.

I am starting to think I need to switch to Allegra.  The last few times I took it, I noticed I did not cough and did not go through the morning nasal garbage.  I am back on Liquid Claritin and my throat is scratchy this morning.  Not a good sign.

Time to fix breakfast for the dogs and me.  This week will be a good week!

Bright and Early...

On Monday, both dogs had an appointment with the vet.  Chloe had blood work done and Bo had to get his annual shots.  The vet put both dogs on temaril-p and since they have been getting the pill twice a day, they have been drinking the water like crazy.  Of course, that means, they have to go potty more frequently.

On one hand, I feel badly for them because I know going to pee so often is a real pain.  I will have to do that sometimes when I am not taking my diabetes meds.  There will be those constant trips to the bathroom to pee.  However, I really wish that both dogs were better behaved when going for a walk.  I am getting pretty frustrated with getting pulled in two different directions. 

Of course, I am lucky that they do not have my usual issue - making that different type of bathroom trip.  That usually happens when I am getting back to taking my diabetes meds and even after staying on them.  That one is not at all pleasant.  In fact, I have tried to let that stuff run its course, but with work, I end up stopping it with Immodium-AD.  The bad part about that is sometimes, it takes having to take 3 to 4 of those pills to end it.  Otherwise, it is a trip every 5 to 10 minutes until there is just water coming out and even then, it will continue.

I am sure you wanted to hear all of that!  It is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.  All I am striving to do is get to some common ground.

I made an appointment to see my doctor this coming Wednesday.  I decided that rather than feel rushed that day, I would just take the day off.  This way, I would be more relaxed when seeing the doctor.  I am trying to get back on the "wagon" and put me before anyone or anything else. 

It has not been easy, but I am really trying to make the effort.  Last night, I read in Woman's Day magazine about two women who had the lap-band surgery.  I felt their pain regarding their weight.  Believe me, I wish I had about 100 pounds off of my frame.  I have already said that if got to even 180 pounds, I would not care.  It would be a sight better than where I am now. 

Anyway, the ladies spoke of the side-effects and the magazine even put a chart that described each weight-loss procedure and their good/bad points.  To the point, though, the magazine stated that doctors say that it is best to change eating habits and increase exercise.  This is the main reason why I resist surgery.  I do not want to deal with the side effects and those could be life threatening.  If I can change what and how much I eat and get more exercise into my life, I know I could drop the weight. 

Trying to understand my state of mind and such during all of this change is why I started this blog.  This is not something you just do for a short period of time - it has to be a life-long change.  My problem that I am working on is how to make it work and stay with it.  How to kill the bad habits and keep from doing them because that is what is in play here.  I allow stress to eat at me and feel like I can never escape it.  Therefore, I give it as the reason why I reach for the sweet or really fattening stuff.  I need to learn to channel that to something else.

While reading Woman's Day, another article described how to take time out for that "one little good thing" that would relax us, such as reading or even folding laundry.  I do see where folding laundry is a fulfilling task.  It does not require a lot of mental work, but you have accomplished a goal at the end.  So, you get a calming reward at the end.  Oddly enough, I have laundry to fold.  I usually save that sort of thing for the weekends, but I should carve out more time to do it during the week.

That is another bad habit I need to break:  Saving housework chores for the weekend.  I feel like I bust my butt all week, sometimes, 24x7 when I am on-call, then have all of this housework to do on the weekends.  By the time Sunday night hits, I am still tired and wishing I did not have to go back to work.

To put a good feel spin on this post, I completed both of my on-line courses.  Now, I did not get all of my assignments completed, but I did get the quizzes and final done.  I got an 86 for both finals, which I am willing to live with considering work and such.  Also, the course was not for a grade, so I had even less pressure on me.  I am thinking of taking another class, but I think I will mull it over a bit more first.

Time to wrap up.  Need to get my blood sugar and blood pressure readings, then give the dogs their meds and figure out what I am going to have for breakfast.  Unfortunately, my cupboard is getting pretty thin.  Time to go grocery shopping.