Sometimes, it is pretty eerie...

Someone reading my blog and influencing this "God wants you to know..." message?  This is just a little eerie for me:

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.

You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.

 

Then, again, none of the stuff that the psychic at Marie Laveau's told me has come true.  Still, that was fun to do.

Hiding the pain...

I was checking my Twitter feed and came across this article:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/pancreatic-cancer/lisa-niemi-swayze-on-life-after-patrick-he-ll-always-be-with-me.aspx?xid=tw_weightloss_20120117_news

After reading the article, I read some of the comments of many who experienced having to do the "care-giving" for their loved ones.  So many memories and thoughts rushed through my mind that I broke down and cried. 

My mom passed away on January 6, 2010.  She was afraid she would not make it through Christmas or New Years, but she did.  On New Year's Day, she told me how much she loved me and was still concerned that I was so very unhappy.  The next day, she slipped into a coma, then she passed away 4 days later.

I did as she wished - I was not home when she actually passed away.  My mom feared that it would be too much for me to handle.  She was probably right, but I feel I should have been there.  I drove as fast as I could that very early morning to be with her before the funeral home took her.  I cried and cried.

I cried because I lost someone who brought me into this world.  I lost the one person who was always there for me.  She was the one who stayed up late at night to help me get reports and projects done, made my clothes when nothing fit from the stores, helped with ailing beloved pets, and did so much other things for me.  When the problems were over her head, she was right there supporting me. 

I also cried because I felt I failed her.  The guilt I had for the times I had put work ahead of caring for her during those last months.  Even though people tell me that she understood, in my own mind, it was just wrong and I have so much guilt. 

I felt so very alone.  I am blessed to have a few friends who tried to help me get out away from all of it for short periods.  They would help pull me away by telling me of their news, good or bad.  I love them all very dearly for what they did for me.

In the end, I still have this guilt.  Even though my father would help, I felt very alone with trying to care for my mom.  When we did finally hire a sitter, I had even more guilt.  I should have been there and cared for her, but I had so many other responsibilities. 

My mom's friend brought us food.  I was blessed at the time for a high school friend's brother doing a food delivery service where I could buy ready made meals.  Other than that, it was really tough trying to manage all of that.  I am an only child and other relatives live out of town.  My father was still working and I understand how tired he was, then having to come home to take care of mom was a lot of work.  For awhile, I was there everyday - day and night.  It was so much to juggle and manage.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about mom.  I wish that I could still call her and talk to her or let her try some of the new stuff I have been cooking.  I miss her laughing at my work stories and telling me how I should be grateful for having a job.

I just wished I knew how to forgive myself and get past this pain I hide.

Future planning...

This week, my plans regarding cooking pretty much disintegrated quicker than expected.  First, I was not feeling my best.  Next, a friend not only fixed an impromptu dinner for the both of us, but wanted me to go out to dinner the very next night.  So, left with some spoiled food.

I hate it when that happens.  Hoping that I regain my energy soon.  I hate that dragging feeling.  It makes me cranky and not very pleasant.  In regards to the friend, she is taking off to Washington DC, so I can really devote time to my own projects and cook my own food.

So, this weekend, I have planned to do the following:

Continue my work for Simple Living - 30 days
Take advantage of my extra space for setting up my "mise en place"
Get more shrimp and chicken tenderloins
Cook Shrimp Gumbo for Saturday and put away leftover for lunch and dinner during the week
Cook Hungarian Chicken Goulash for Sunday and do the same

I have "work" work to do, but I am going to try to wrap that up early, so that the rest of the weekend is MINE!  :-)

I get these "God wants you to know" on Facebook.  Today's message was interesting:

that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

 

So, I need to make that first irreversible step.

Procrastination...

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from procrastination.  As I got older, I realized areas where I could not procrastinate.  I had to take special care that projects were planned properly and given plenty of lead way.  Murphy's Law is a bitch - take it from me.

Still, I cannot get over taking the time to make sure I get my part of a project done in a timely manner.  Then expected to help the person who waited until the night before to complete their part.  It is a consistent pattern. 

This week, I have been really suffering from a lack of energy.  In the mornings, I feel like I am dragging and by the end of the day, all I want to do is go to bed.  So, here I am helping someone who decided to wait until the last minute to do something and it is failing.  Needless to say, I am grumpy.

I realize that this is probably payback for all of those times when my mom stayed up with me for similar reasons.  I only hope that she is smiling when she sees I am doing much better at making it early or on time with my various appointments and projects.

Still, I have to deal with Murphy's Law tonight.  Only have a day to make sure there are no issues and guess what - there is a problem.  Nothing I can do to fix it right away - it takes time to get renewals.  Oddly enough, the pieces I did, seem to work beautifully, but the parts my partner did are failing.  I am supposed to figure out the fail.

Since is is very last minute, I conjured up a quick solution.  Use the pieces I created to keep the application working while sorting out the other person's issues.  Maybe I can get some sleep soon!

On my Simple Living project, I am behind.  I am too OCD for my own good, but I will catch up soon.

Dogs and food...

"Awwwww...they are so cute!"

Sure, this picture shows their adorable, angelic side.  However, there is a hidden agenda here:

Stare down the human with a lot of guilt to cause the human to give up the following:

Pizza crust
Yeast rolls
Cookies
French fries

If the stare down does not work, then get in the human's face and vocalize your displeasure at not getting what you want.

I have to admit, the "stare principle" cracks me up.  I love these two clowns very much.  I admit, I am pretty blessed to have them in my life.

Medications...

I have finally succumbed.  I have to have a pill organizer to help me remember that I have taken my medications.  I tried for years to do this on my own memory, but as I get older and more busy, I keep forgetting.

I neglected to take my medication last night because I was really dragging and decided to take the dogs to bed and lie down and rest.  I read about half the book Tell Your Time regarding time management.  The book is more about managing your personal time.  I have another book I am reading about time management, Time Management from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern.  I am trying to understand how to apply her system for work.  I bought the notebooks from Levengers and thought I might see if the system works for me or not.

Progress report on Simple Living - 30 Days to Less Stuff and Move Living.  I have made storage spaces in my cabinets for storing my stand mixer, blender, and slow cooker.  I actually use the coffee maker and toaster, so I am leaving those items on the counters.  I do have more real estate on the counters, but I am still working on this.  I am trying to set up an area for storing the few cook books I have.  I have to admit, I probably won't buy anymore cook books.  I have a note book that I write out recipes.

I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but I feel like I am getting somewhere with the apartment clutter.  Hoping this next weekend, I can get even more done.

Update on clearing clutter...

Overhauling the kitchen.  Talk about taking on a big project.  I have managed to find and make storage spaces for my stand-up mixer, blender, and slow cooker.  I wanted to make sure that these items were easy to pull out for use.

I am leaving out the toaster because it is a heavy beast and I actually use it.  If it were lightweight, I might reconsider it.  I plan on storing the George Foreman Grill and steamer.  I never use either one.  The grill is messy and too large to handle.  I have a grill pan that is a bit easier to manage.  The steamer is a pain to clean and I use steamer bags to steam veggies.

I am going to clean out a drawer and re-arrange it.  I need to remove the rolling pin and put it elsewhere.  That way, I have more room for putting in the wash cloths or move the silverware there.  That might be the better idea.  I might even take out those items that I do not use on a daily basis and store them.

I feel good about all of this.  I just hope that I can continue on this roll and clear out the living room, then do the same with my bedroom.  That way, I have my zen back.  :-)