Hiding the pain...

I was checking my Twitter feed and came across this article:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/pancreatic-cancer/lisa-niemi-swayze-on-life-after-patrick-he-ll-always-be-with-me.aspx?xid=tw_weightloss_20120117_news

After reading the article, I read some of the comments of many who experienced having to do the "care-giving" for their loved ones.  So many memories and thoughts rushed through my mind that I broke down and cried. 

My mom passed away on January 6, 2010.  She was afraid she would not make it through Christmas or New Years, but she did.  On New Year's Day, she told me how much she loved me and was still concerned that I was so very unhappy.  The next day, she slipped into a coma, then she passed away 4 days later.

I did as she wished - I was not home when she actually passed away.  My mom feared that it would be too much for me to handle.  She was probably right, but I feel I should have been there.  I drove as fast as I could that very early morning to be with her before the funeral home took her.  I cried and cried.

I cried because I lost someone who brought me into this world.  I lost the one person who was always there for me.  She was the one who stayed up late at night to help me get reports and projects done, made my clothes when nothing fit from the stores, helped with ailing beloved pets, and did so much other things for me.  When the problems were over her head, she was right there supporting me. 

I also cried because I felt I failed her.  The guilt I had for the times I had put work ahead of caring for her during those last months.  Even though people tell me that she understood, in my own mind, it was just wrong and I have so much guilt. 

I felt so very alone.  I am blessed to have a few friends who tried to help me get out away from all of it for short periods.  They would help pull me away by telling me of their news, good or bad.  I love them all very dearly for what they did for me.

In the end, I still have this guilt.  Even though my father would help, I felt very alone with trying to care for my mom.  When we did finally hire a sitter, I had even more guilt.  I should have been there and cared for her, but I had so many other responsibilities. 

My mom's friend brought us food.  I was blessed at the time for a high school friend's brother doing a food delivery service where I could buy ready made meals.  Other than that, it was really tough trying to manage all of that.  I am an only child and other relatives live out of town.  My father was still working and I understand how tired he was, then having to come home to take care of mom was a lot of work.  For awhile, I was there everyday - day and night.  It was so much to juggle and manage.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about mom.  I wish that I could still call her and talk to her or let her try some of the new stuff I have been cooking.  I miss her laughing at my work stories and telling me how I should be grateful for having a job.

I just wished I knew how to forgive myself and get past this pain I hide.