Am I protecting my faults or others?

Last night, while doing some maintenance work, I found some disturbing things.  I felt this heaviness come upon me and a large feeling of guilt.  I felt compelled to "fix" the situation, but resisted because, this was not something I had done, but others.  Why do I have this constant fear when I see something wrong, then immediate reaction to fix it so no one notices?

I have to learn that sometimes, people break your trust, but it is not your responsibility to pull them out of the hole that they created for themselves.  This is part of the pattern of stress that I need to concentrate more on doing.

I finally dozed off to sleep around 4 AM, no thanks to daylight savings time change.  Ugh.  However, I did wake up at 9 AM and have already taken the dogs out for a walk.  I got my blood pressure and sugar measurements and about to fix something to eat.  Blood sugar is still high, but I see it lowering.  Blood pressure is fairly normal, so that is a good thing.

For the past month or so, I have been trying to reach my aunt (my mom's sister).  I cannot seem to get through on the phone.  It rings and rings, then I am dumped into some voice mail.  I thought that it might be best if I sat down and wrote her a letter.  I would send her an email, but I am afraid that her internet access is unavailable.  Maybe, by my writing my aunt, that will help her with my mom's loss, too. 

It has been over two years since my mom passed away and not a day goes by without a thought about her.  I find myself talking to the heavens above asking for some sort of advice.  I so miss getting to hear her voice or laugh.  I know she was always proud of me, but I think she would have been happy knowing that I am trying hard these days to turn my financial life around and get myself back on the straight and narrow health wise.  My mom did so much for me and I feel like I never got a chance to do for her in return.

Sometimes, I do silly things.  A few weeks ago, I bought a box of 72 crayons.  Why?  Maybe because I yearn for some sort of creativity in my life.  I want to add color into my life and get that artistic feel.  I might as well give it a shot - something to relieve the stress.  I also bought a jigsaw puzzle.  Once I clear the clean clothes off this dining room table, the other end will have an on-going jigsaw puzzle.  Again, another thing to keep my mind active and relieve stress.

With all of that in mind, it is time to get something to eat, then start making my way through my day.  My on-call week is almost over and I can relax a bit.

Starting the day at 300...

I thought I had done okay, blood sugar wise.  This morning, the BS was 300.  *sigh* 

I sit here and go "Chin up!  You can do this!  You conquered this number thing in 2006/2007!  Damnit!  You can do it again."  All of the positive vibe I can muster.  Still, I have to remind myself - Rome was not built within a week and your blood sugar won't go down overnight, either.  No matter how tired or exhausted you may be, keep truckin' on and you will get to where you need to be.

Like the song, "Don't Give Up."

When Money Can Solve Problems...

Today, not only did I get my paycheck, but I also got my yearly bonus.  Not as much as last year, but I won't complain.  The extra money will pay off several bills and leave more money in my bank account.  I was very worried about how that would work out this year after some foolish mistakes made by the much higher ups.  It will feel good to take that money and pay off the bills.  That monkey on my back won't be so heavy and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I made so many foolish money management errors in my life.  To be honest, I still make them.  I admitted that I was a "make-up whore" the other day.  I have WAY too much of it.  However, on the flip side, I am actually making effort to wear make up.  I need to throw out a bunch of mascara and eye liner.  The old stuff was irritating my left eye pretty badly.

So, I have written down to cut back on the make up as well as DVDs and CDs.  Next, I need to figure out if I should continue with TiVo or get another cable box.  I have had this cable box since I left the old apartment.  However, I have an HD TV in my bedroom and the TiVo box has finally bitten the dust.  I also realized that the video quality on the old TiVo box really stunk.  After watching the entire series of As Time Goes By, the DVD quality was crystal clear - no crappy resolution.  So, now, I am trying to determine if I really want to get another TiVo box or cancel the membership and move that $13.81 over to payment to Time Warner.  I may look further into that.

Last night, when I injected my insulin for the night, some of it came back out, even though I left the needle in my stomach for a short time.  That grossed me out a bit, but I worked on shaking it off.  However, the result of that is that my blood sugar was much higher this morning.  It was about 334.  This afternoon, my blood sugar reached 440.  Crap lunch from the work cafeteria.  My bad.

Tonight, I made bacon tomato sandwiches for dinner.  I was able to get the bacon cooked and have plenty of bacon fat for green beans later.  I put out the rump roast to put in the crock pot either tomorrow or Thursday.  I managed to get some laundry done as well as emptying out the dishwasher.  I still need to fill the dishwasher and do more laundry, but a little bit a day means just that much less I have to do.

Almost time for me to take the dogs out for their nightly walk.  I am trying really, REALLY hard to hold off for a bit.  For several nights, Bo has been waking me up in the middle of the night for a walk.  I am getting tired of that interruption.  It is bad enough I have to get up sometimes to go to the bathroom.

I want to make an appointment to get a mani/pedi, but with on-call duty, I am afraid to do that.  I am seriously thinking of doing that sort of thing during the week next week.  Maybe, even take a personal day

On-call Monday...

I despise on-call.  I will make no bones about it, either.  Then, again, there are a lot of things about my job I no longer enjoy doing. 

I cut out the Paradise multi-grain bread that I was eating.  Apparently, that was what was really spiking my blood sugar.  I enjoyed it while it lasted.  I am back to Nature's Own Double Fiber and Wonder's Smart White or Wheat bread.  The carb value works for me.

My morning blood sugar is starting to lower as well.  Currently, I am taking 14 units of insulin and I am really restricting what I eat.  I hope the combo has a good effect and I can lose weight while I am doing it.  I am more concerned over my blood sugar than anything else.

Last night, I decided to cook a rib eye steak, steamed veggies, and a salad.  While cooking the rib eye, the smoke alarms went off in the apartment.  I don't think I will be cooking with that recipe again.  However, it was delicious all the same.

I ended up heading to bed around 8:45 PM last night and fell asleep with the dogs on the bed.  I woke up at 11:30 PM and got the dogs ready to go for their walk.  I have lost my patience with them on several occassions.  Bo will bark when exiting or seeing a rabbit.  Chloe has gotten into the bad habit of eating whatever crap is in the grass - probably rabbit poo.  Blech! I yanked on Chloe quite a bit to get her to behave and she started walking funny.  My intent is not to hurt, but to get her out of whatever she is trying to get into in the grass areas.  I have already spent $2500 to get her stomach and intestines better.  I know how much I hate it when I have the "runs" and I hate for her to have them. 

She is better this morning, but still hunting down crap in the grass areas to eat.  Ugh!  I got onto her twice by trying to take whatever she picked up out of her mouth.  I think I am at my wits end with her.

Time to deal with work.  I hope it is a calm week and no huge surprises.

Trying new recipes...

Last night, I checked my blood sugar and it was 510.  I was surprised and rather annoyed.  I had a tuna fish sandwich 4 hours before the test using Paradise multigrain bread.  Now, I am going to be more observant on what I am eating.  Also, I won't be eating the multigrain bread just to make sure that it is not spiking my blood sugar.

Before falling back to sleep, I was looking at Diabetic Living magazine and going over the various recipes.  I have some boneless skinless chicken in the refrigerator.  I plan on baking it using roasted chicken spices.  I am going to make steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms as well as a new dish - potato and leek au gratin.  I am excited to try it.  If it is good, then I will be making more of it.

Also, I am trying to figure out what would be a good recipe for using the crock pot.  Next week, I am on-call and it would be a good idea to have some quick fix meals.

Time to start on some chores, then head off to the mall.

Another day of high blood sugar...

Yesterday, my fasting blood sugar was 367.  Today, it is 371.  Ugh!  I already feel defeated.  Of course, that is not the right sort of attitude to take regarding this situation.  I keep trying to remind myself - it takes time for blood sugar levels to fall.

I did not eat very healthy last night.  Tonight, I will fix baked chicken with some chicken seasoning, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms steamed with some sliced tomato.  That sort of meal should help reduce the blood sugar.  Lunch today?  Well, try to eat a good salad or some fish.  That makes the best sense.

I better get something in my stomach now - I am starving.

A New Adventure Awaits...

Well, the bad news came to me on Tuesday.  My blood work showed that my A1C was 13.2 - Ouch!  Also, the blood work showed that the high blood sugar was beginning to affect my kidneys - Double Ouch! 

I knew this was coming.  I knew this was coming a long time ago and I tried to avoid it.  That was wrong for me to do.  So, now, I have accepted my fate with insulin shots.  *shiver*  It took me awhile to get adjusted to just poking my finger for testing my blood sugar.  Now, I have to poke my stomach and put something under the skin.

So, today starts a new adventure with using insulin shots to control my blood sugar as well as reworking my diet and getting some exercise into the fray.  I also need to learn to say "No" to various things at work.  Quite possibly, I need to put some emphasis into changing positions either within the company or leave completely.  That will be the most difficult part.

While I appreciate how so many depend on me, the down side is that they depend upon me too much.  I need time away and not feel "chained to the computer."  Reminds me of when I was in band in elementary, middle, and high school.  I loved band and playing clarinet so much that I enjoyed practicing.  By my senior year, I just was not enjoying band as I had.  It is quite sad because I have such ill feelings toward my clarinets.  The $70 clarinet my parents bought me produced such a lovely sound that the wooden clarinet could never produce.  That is pretty sad.  I know my parents put in a lot of money into that clarinet. 

Getting back on target, the point is that as much as I enjoy coding and such, this job of debugging issues for everyone is tiresome.

So, it is time to embrace the new adventure and make the most of it.  Look at everything with a positive light.