Promises and Secrets...

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

I started the day fairly well, I thought.  I got up early, got the dogs out, cleaned up, and met Random Cathy at Polished for a day of mani/pedi and lunch.  Not to put pressure on Cathy, but I love the positive vibes and such that exude from her.  Her blog has allowed me to think about how I am making mistakes in my own life and where I need to make positive strides. Not that she is saying that directly, but I find similarities.

I got home and the dogs really wanted me to get back in bed with them.  It seemed to make them happy, so after doing a bit of work, I took a nap.

A week or so ago, a cousin on my mother's side of the family reached out to me on Facebook to be a "friend."  I had to really consider what I was doing because the relationship between my mom and other members of her family were very strained.  I discussed it with my father and we both believed that this cousin really had nothing to do with the petty in-fighting that had been going on for years.  So, I friended him.

I posted stuff on Facebook about my mom passing away.  Honestly, one can look up her name and find where she had passed away via the funeral home.  My mom did not want the people with whom she had issues to know she had died.  My father and I did what she asked.

I called my aunt, mom's one sister that she remained in contact with up until she passed away, to check on her.  She is a lot like me.  We both get easily depressed.  As I was talking with her, she started in about how one of my other cousins came into the grocery store where she worked to go on about how mom had passed away and no one contacted them.  At that point, I could hear in my aunt's voice that she was determined to find out how that side of the family came to know about it.  All that could come rushing to my mind was the various posts about my mom on Facebook and my one cousin I had recently friended.

I could tell she was angry and upset.  She is angry and upset with my mom for leaving us here.  I explained to her that it was possibly from me where they got the information.  It was not intentionally stated to them, but then again, anyone really looking for mom would have seen that she had passed away on the internet.

So, for those of on mom's side of the family, yes, my mother passed away about 3 and half years ago.  She did not want you to know because as much as she reached out to you, you only took and never gave back in return.  You will never know the depths of her pain as she left this world.  Take time to think about how often you called her just to check on her and see how she was doing.  If you never did in all of this time, then you have no right to be upset.  Live with that and do not go trying to place blame on my aunt - go to the mirror and look at it.

For my cousin that friended me, you have a kind heart and I know that you have no agenda.  You believe at the end of the day, all that is left is family.  That is how it should be, but we all know that not all families are perfect.  Understand, these were my mom's wishes and we carried out as we knew how.

Not a day goes by without my thinking of my mom.  Often, I walk the dogs in the dark and silently cry.  Other times, I stand in the shower and just weep.  When times are rough, I do not have the comfort of my mom's voice or understanding to help me.  I pray that wherever she is, she is at peace and happy.

I had all of this pent up after my call with my aunt and needed to get it out of my system.