I do know for a fact that I have OCD to a certain degrees. When I clean, it takes forever, when I should be using the old adage - It is good enough for government work. However, that statement is offensive to those of my friends who work for the government.
Last night, I got to thinking - when I went wheels off with my life in March/April, I was working on writing a book and losing weight. Earlier this year, I bought a MacBook Pro and I do not use it very much. So, as I was thinking of what I was doing with my life, the bit about writing hit me again. The whole novel thing has been eating at me for weeks. I figure I really need to listen to whatever it is that my head is telling me. There must be something to it - maybe the thought of trying and see how well I do. Who knows, but it is just eating at me all of the time.
So, while I decided to check out the MacBook Pro, I downloaded a couple of writing software programs to help me. I still have the beginnings of what I started on my new iPad 3. Not sure if I want to continue there or transfer the thoughts/ideas/outline over to my MacBook Pro.
Upon reflection, I realize why I stalled and gained weight. I got nervous and upset over realizing that if I did lose a good bit of this excess weight, I would have excess skin hanging. I just need to face the facts - it is going to happen. If Mr. Right does come along, he will understand or God will help me sort it out on this path. I just need to have faith.
I think the same is true with the novel. I started taking the on-line course regarding writing and felt so overwhelmed. There was no reason for feeling like that. Mainly, the instructor was giving me some really positive feedback to my writing lessons. I should have felt empowered and not scared. I wonder if I am just scared of success.
When I worked for IBM, I would get awards and such, but I would feel embarrassed. I did not want it to go to my head. When I started working for my current company, I felt left out when my promotions were never announced. It made me feel like the red-headed step child who got the promotion, but was never to be heard or seen. It would very well be that the director really never wanted to promote me or was incredibly lazy. I think there is some truth in both.
Well, this time around, I just need to burrow my head down and get on with it. I need to unlock the mystery to find out where I stand. Was my mother right - no man would have me as their wife because I was a overweight and a bitch? (I know - that seems harsh, but my mother was about cold, hard honesty. Who else should tell you that other than your own mother?)
Just last night, I was looking at pictures of various people who recently got married and how happy they are. I am very happy for them, but I always wonder, will I ever know that happiness or do people see that with me, even though I am alone?
It was just a thought...
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