Upcoming Mother's Day...

Every year, since my mother's passing, I figure out some way to manage through every Mother's Day.  It had not even been a year, maybe close to 6 months since my mother's passing, where I stood in Walgreens and just cried in the card section.  Not even sure why I was standing there, but I remember seeing all of the Mother's Day cards and just started crying.

I thought I might get past it this year, but apparently, that just was not going to happen.  As fate would have it, I went to see the counselor and she brought it up during our discussions.  She asked if my father and I ever did anything for Mother's Day since my mother's death.  Truth - never did one thing.  I know he will be spending Mother's Day with his girlfriend and her kids will be over to celebrate Mother's Day.  I resent the hell out of that.

It makes me feel that my mother just never existed and she did.  For at least, 43 years of my life, my mother was there.  She was the one who took care of me and worried about me and how I was doing.  In the past few weeks, I would wake up gasping for air, then freak out about what would happen if I were to die in my sleep.  Who would know?  Who checks up on me?  

It was at that point I tried to text my father each day.  I tried to explain to him that there was one thing I took for granted - my mother would call me every day to make sure I was okay when I moved out of my parents house.  I miss those crazy voice mails she would leave on my phone - making jokes or calling out to Bo to tell him that grandma loved him and to piss on his mother for not answering the phone when she called.

I would give anything for my mom to be here and no longer in pain or feeling angry.  I loved to make her laugh and smile.  Now, I just miss her so much, especially when I am scared and not sure what to do.  I miss that comfort I had with her and wished I had never taken that for granted.

So, for all of you who still have your mothers or are mothers, have a beautiful day and love your mother as you have not done in the past.  Your mother is only on this earth for a certain amount of time.  If you do not take the time to spend with her, you need to do so. Otherwise, you will be just as sad as me and wishing you had never taken it for granted that she would always be there.  She won't.