Weird Week...

Going back to work after vacation time is always interesting and very busy.  A few things changed while I was out of the office and no one said anything.  I really dislike being blindsided, but I just went with the flow.  I was more upset with the guy who expected information delivered to him as soon as I was told what I needed to provide.  I finally got a bit miffed and said "You just told me this is something you want, but you provided no time for me to gather the information.  I just got back from vacation for heaven's sake."

On Tuesday, the day was a bit better.  Random Cathy and I went to Sephora for make-overs.  Well, actually, I wanted to understand how best to do "contouring."  It was a lot of fun, but getting a make-over is always fun.  It is interesting to see what the make-up artists can do with one's face - getting a different perspective.  I will say that Random Cathy's make-over was fabulous and the lip stick color chosen for her was definitely spot on.  It is funny how a color can really make a certain part of your face just pop.  For Cathy, the color really made her white teeth pop and her smile more beautiful.

 On Monday, I submitted my entry for Oral Fixation's Too Many Cooks show.  Apparently, there were quite a few entries, so making decisions on what stories to choose was a more difficult task.  In the end, I was not chosen.

I was sad about that.  I won't say I worked really hard on the story because I did not.  I just allowed what to flow out of me to flow.  I did do some editing, but I did not slave over the piece as many probably did.  Still, I was sad because it was a tribute to my mom.  We never really had a memorial service or even the party that she wanted us to throw when she passed away.  I felt that by telling a group of strangers what a truly remarkable woman she was, that would get me past some of the pain in my heart.  Perhaps, this was not the time for that.

I made a realization last night that I hold a lot of anger inside with no way to release.  I wondered why and determined it was because I was always taught that I was never to be angry.  I was never allowed to be mad.  Most of the time, I was told it was out of place or I had no right to be angry.

I wanted to lash out, yell, scream, and cry.  I could not do any of those things.  I watch others do it with no remorse, even when they are wrong and wonder "How?"  Someone suggested to seek a professional's advice.  I did that one time in my life and nutshell, why pay someone for that?  Pay $120 per visit to have them ask me questions that I have no answer - that just makes me more angry.  Perhaps, it was just the fact of all of the blindsided changes, reading an article about being crushless, not getting chosen for the show, or just the feeling of being on the outside, again.

Perhaps, this little crab crawls back into her shell to think about things for awhile.  At least, it is safe in there and no one can hurt me.