These days, my mother was wise beyond her years. While I realize that life/karma hands out these little challenges, when they all start collecting together, the dam sometimes will break. It is always nice to have that someone you can lean on to just listen. Not make decisions, but just listen and comfort you.
Many people have that comfort as they are married or in a serious relationship. Others have roommates that are good friends. Those without these bonds turn to family. Then, there are the select few of us who really have no one to turn.
For me, it was my mother. She was my rock and security. When life was tossing around lemons, she showed me how to make lemonade with a twist. She listened when I did not need a solution; I just needed someone to make me feel better. Someone to help me see what I could do better and if it really was not me, then reinforce with me that I did all I really could.
As I sit here, writing this, I realize how much I miss my mother. It has just been a little over five years since she passed and I simply do not know what to do without her. Most days, I manage to get by the days and try to land on a positive note. Other days, like this one, where everything that has gone wrong has gone wrong and it is too much to bear, I do not have her to listen.
The straw that broke the camel's back for me was an incident last night. I do the best I can while working, but I realize I cannot do it alone. I need time that I just do not have. Having my dogs has its strain on me as well. However, last night, I realized once again how very alone I really am.
I was watching a show on Netflix and decided to get some popcorn. Standing in the kitchen, I heard "drip...drip...drip". That awful feeling came over me of something bad. I went to search for it. The ceiling above the entry way of my apartment was damp and the corner above the staircase dripping water. On the side wall, there was a damp stream and a damp circle where the sprinkler was. I called maintenance as I believed this to be an emergency. My fear is that they will blame me for any damages. Do not ask me why I feel this way - I worry so much that it happens.
I tried to call my father just to feel better. Unfortunately, he never picked up the phone. This is not the first time and somewhere deep within me, I know it will not be the last. It only reinforces what my mother would say about my father and none of it is very nice. He has his faults, which I know. However, his loyalty is elsewhere these days and I am not in that picture. Maybe it is because his family is generally very distant from one another, I really do not know. It is what it is.
I called a friend of mine, who I had just spoken with about 15 minutes earlier. I woke her and I really hate disturbing her, but she is the closest thing to my mother. I got off my chest my worries in about 5 minutes. The sad part is this friend has a serious bout of cancer and she won't be around much longer.
When my blood sugar hit lows of in the 40s, I would stagger into the kitchen to get a coke to raise my blood sugar. I realized I had no one, just like last night. Where does one go when life gets to be too much. I know most would say put your worry to God, but God does not speak to you as someone here on Earth. It is comforting to hear a calm voice telling you it is okay or not to worry you did the right thing.
Maybe God was there helping me to the kitchen when I was struggling to get there. Maybe He is here now, but I struggle with all of these tests. It just would be nice to hear my mother's voice again. It is probably because she as my one true friend.
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