Reflecting on Purging...

Back in 2000, when my grandmother passed away, I remember going to her house and people taking stuff out of her home.  Inside, the place was in such disarray.  I saw the little Christmas bell my band sold my freshman year for our trip to Carlsbad.  I wish I had taken it, but I did not feel I could.  It was given to my grandmother.  Everyone was grabbing things to take home and it made me feel so sad.

Today, I understand my mother's feelings towards all of that.  I am going through something similar now with purging my parents' home.  Granted, my father is there, but it is really disconcerting to realize what you are so used to seeing is gone.  This was my home since I was 4 years old.  True, the insides of that home changed, but for the most part, from 1978, the livng room and kitchen configuration was always the same.  It was comforting.

Now, it is empty and sad.

I fight with the feeling that I cannot save everything.  Honestly, it is not possible.  I do not have a house for the most part.  However, even if I did, not everything would still fit into a new house. 

I had removed most of my stuff from my parents house back in 2007.  So, the room had a lot of my mom's stuff stashed there.  So, I have to go through all of these photo boxes to find what needs to be saved or tossed.  So many Christmas, Mother's Day, Thank You, Valentine's Day, and so forth cards.  Then, there are the various pictures.  All of it is heart-wrenching.  I have such a difficult time going through all of it and my father just does not get it.  It is just unfortunate that I am a very extremely sensitive person.  Sometimes, I wish I was not.

I feel that when you are purging your own stuff, then that can be a "cleansing" feeling.  You are ridding yourself of those items that produce chaos in your life.  However, trying to purge the items from a close loved one, it is a bit more difficult.  Maybe, I just have not gotten over my grief.  I hate to say that - most people would have moved on from this point.  Again, my heart just has so many issues with that.  There is always my mom in the back of my mind, wanting to give me something to help.  I wish she was there with me to say "Oh, just toss that - I am not sure why I even kept that!"  That would be nice, but so not possible.

This is just a difficult process to go through, but it is unavoidable.