This weekend, I was able to meet up with a small group of high school friends to catch up on activities since the reunion. It was great seeing people and catching up. It also gave me the feeling of "family" that I had not felt in some time. That was nice and heart warming.
One friend is going through a divorce. I had known that the marriage was having some major issues, but I had not heard of everything that had happened. This friend was very sad over her current situation and she said she thought of me when it came to "How do you do the dating thing?"
Hmmmm...
Well, first, I have never been married. That opportunity has never been presented to me. Furthermore, my friend was married for 26 years. That is quite a long time to be together and for the marriage to fall apart is heart breaking. I have no basis of where to even understand that other than the loss of friendship. However, this is about love and marriage - very different.
Second, as I have probably mentioned here, when I turned 40, I gave up. Yeah, that sounds like the easy way out, but then again, what do they say, "It will happen when you least expect it"? Dating had been difficult for me from middle school to today. As they also say, you cannot compare your life with mine. This is so very true. My friend was always fortunate - when she was younger, she was never without a boyfriend or companion. I was quite the opposite - I never had anyone. No one wanted to be with me.
I look at her and know that deep down, she won't be alone for long. While I would not suggest getting on Tender and what have you (I can joke, but seriously, no), I really think it won't take long for her to find someone or someone to find her. Heck, the group were already suggesting that she and another single man from our high school days get together. Not to be that selfish, but no one offered to help me. Get my point.
When I decided that marriage and children were off the menu for me, I wanted to work on "me". Be selfish and do what I had learned later from watching a Tyler Perry play: Learn to live alone - get your peace. If you have no peace in your life, then you do not need to bring someone else into it. No one *needs* someone to get by in life. You have to learn to be happy with yourself and find your peace. Once you get to that part, the rest will come together.
I just have not found my peace and happiness. I am trying, but I have been allowing other things to cloud my goals - Dealing with my mom's illness, her death, my father moving on, then the loss of my childhood home. That last one sort of sticks with me in that I remember my mom crying after my grandmother's home and land had been sold. It had to be done, but she cried about not being able to go home. The whole idea that her own mother was gone from this world and there was no going back. I understood it perfectly and would cry - I still cry.
Here I am - 49 years old - never married and no relationship. Most people would think that I am socially inept. I do not think that. It is about physical appearance and attitudes. No one dates the fat woman. I hang out with guys as they are my friends and they treat me like a sister. That is how it goes. If I have any feelings towards anyone, I withhold because I know my heart will break. Hell, it does anyway. So, it is just easier for me to deal with the friendships. Also, many of my male friends do not mind hanging out with me because I am no threat. Their wives know it, so it works.
My advice to this sweet friend:
Go back to school, join a work out group, go to the park, or visit the church group for singles. There are plenty of opportunities for you to find someone. You will not be alone for long - this I know in my heart. Your situation regarding being single is much different from mine. It was easy for you in the past and it will be easy for you now. You are a beautiful person inside and out. Just have faith in that.
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