Monday, August 10, 2015

Being a Quitter...

When I was in elementary school, around the end of 5th grade or beginning of 6th grade, I sat in the lunch room and took a tone test.  I did not think much of it at the time until my mother sat me down to discuss joining band.  At the time, she reminded me that I was overweight and I would have issues wearing a uniform and such.  I never cared about that.  This was my opportunity to do something in an area that I truly loved - music.

The band director at the time suggested that I play clarinet.  My parents did not want me to have a rented instrument as they found a good clarinet for sale for $70 (or I may not remember too well).  

All through school, I would practice.  I loved playing the clarinet and clearly enjoyed it.  When I moved to Texas, while I was in middle school, the band instructor brought in two tutors to help and one of them really helped me play better and encouraged me.  I tried to keep getting better.

By 8th grade, I figured out I probably would not get much better than where I was.  Mainly because there was already someone who could out play me by leaps and bounds.  He had his own personal tutor.  My parents could not afford that for me, but I kept practicing.

Throughout my high school years, our school had 3 band directors.  The first one decided to retire after my freshman year.  I think that was probably my best year for high school band.  The rest of the years were challenging my commitment to band.  The second band director would ridcule me in front of others - basically yelling and screaming in my face in front of everyone to the point I would break into tears.  That had to be the worst year ever.  Luckily, other band parents saw this behavior elsewhere and stepped in to end it.

The next year, we got another band director.  He was dedicated and not so much critical openly, but behind closed doors, that was a different story.  When selling concert tickets, his expectation was that you sold what you were given.  If you got 5 tickets, then you sold those 5 tickets - there was no bringing back remaining tickets.  My parents were furious.  It was during those band days that I knew I was no good at being a salesman.

My senior year, there was more than enough stress resting on my shoulders.  Should I take the ACT or SAT?  What happens after high school?  How do you pay for the damage on your mom's van?  Where would I find time for a job?

I had finally had enough of the stress.  I was tired and quite honestly, band was not fun anymore.  It was not what I enjoyed.  When I made the decision to leave, I talked with my parents and while they were not happy about it, they understood my unhappiness.  I was no longer practicing because I enjoyed it, so what was the point?

When I told the band director that I wanted to quit, I learned quickly how very critical this man truly was.  I was told that he knew I was a quitter and I had no chance of doing anything for being a quitter.  He had already decided to make an example of me by putting me into the concert band, rather than the symphonic band.  I would not amount to much in life as I was a quitter.

I told the principal and my soon-to-be 4th period teacher that story.  I had nothing to hide and for the principal, he was not so keen on the switch so late in the school year.  However, he made the decision to allow me to do the switch - it seemed to be the right thing to do under the circumstances.

Those words never left my mind - ever.  I was mad and angry because what I had loved and enjoyed was something I never wanted to do anymore.  However, he had made the situation worse with his comments on how I would turn out in life.

That fall, I ran into his youngest son - he graduated in the same class as I did.  His son went on about how he had to drop this and that class at school.  I thought long and hard about what his father had said to me and wondered if his father gave him the same speech when he dropped out of those courses.  Probably not - he loved his son.  He loved the band students who were under his supervision that would do probably whatever he asked them to do without question.  I was not one of those.

As I reflect on that moment of time in my life, I realize, I am not a quitter.  I still really love music.  I admire those who can play instruments very well.  I also realize that maybe I knew something before everyone else.  I was not going to college on my clarinet - I wanted to work with computer systems - I wanted to program.  I knew what I wanted to do and I stuck with it all these years.  The really funny thing - most people I knew from band ended up quitting whatever instrument they played when they got to college.

If someone who was my age at the time asked me about going through a similar situation, this would be my advice:

Are you happy?  Was there a point where you were happy doing this particular activity - did you just love it?  If you are lost, try to see if you can find that place where you truly enjoyed what you were doing.  If it simply is not for you, then find something else that you love and makes you happy.  No one is a quitter when doing that.  You know that something feels wrong and you must go a different path.  Never feel wrong for doing that - it is what life is about and no one should take that away from you.

I am not a quitter - I was a quitter in someone else's eyes because I was not following that person's belief of what was best for me.  I found what I can do and happiness in that.  Sure, there have been times when things were rough and such, but I always was able to find that happy place.
 

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