Conflicting Feelings...

Briefly, I did not get on the treadmill for two days to exercise.  I allowed the bitter cold to convince me to stay home and try to get my extra steps via "happy dancing."  However, I was fraught with so much guilt for not going to the apartment gym.

I made it a point to get up early this morning and head to the gym to walk.  My motivation that made me sick enough to stop eating last night:

No sporting events on TV.  I should have known better than to turn on the TV without putting it on Netflix or Amazon for some quality shows like MI-5, Breaking Bad, and others.  I flipped through the stations and came across "My 600 lb Life".  Nutshell - reality TV about people whose weight just has gotten away from them.  Getting weight loss surgery and losing the weight. 

What bothered me the most about last night's episode was not the weight the person had.  It worried me that I would be like the subject's wife.  She was overweight, but not to her husband's extent.  She thought to give him a chance knowing how difficult it was to get a date being overweight. 

While that sort of thing is kind, her husband just did not really seem to appreciate what she was doing for him.  She was constantly doing things for him because he could not move.  He did not have a job and promised to take care of the house and such while she worked and went to school.  Add to that - the couple had adopted a child.  That is a lot of work for a woman to handle.

He got his weight loss surgery, but did not seem to really quit the fast food and extreme eating.  When she got angry with him for not helping more around the house, he complained about having lost 100 lbs and that did not seem good enough for her. 

His wife decides to get the weight loss surgery.  The only flower she got was from the hospital.  He did not get her anything.  She had to nag him to put things together for her to leave as she could not move much.  When it came to getting her medication, he got upset that he had to make a special trip.

I got physically ill.  I was eating dinner and simply stopped because I was so sick to my stomach.  It hit me - I do not want to get myself straddled with a man like that.  I realize that beggars cannot be choosers, but in this case, I would rather do without that.

I feel so much guilt because I understand not finding someone to love you due to your weight.  Then, again, I get what I need to do to rectify that situation.  I am working on it.  I want someone in my life not to do things FOR me, but with me.  I want a partner, not someone who relies on me and my job to get them through day to day or someone who just ignores me.  I want someone who would love me and be my moral support.  Someone who is a "strong man", but also sensitive. 

Maybe I am asking for too much, but when I saw today's message from God, I thought it struck a bit too close to home:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that ...

it is also important to know what you do not want.

Sometimes when you go through a period of great difficulty and struggle, it is so that you can finally realize what you do NOT want in your life. Then finally, at long last, you can embrace what you DO want.