Last night, I attended a wedding for two people that attended the same high school as I did. Oddly enough, both of them showed up in our yearbooks next to one another all of that time and 35 years later, they were marrying one another. It was funny and so very sweet. Both of them appear to be so in love and as I write this entry, I wish them the very best life has to offer them.
I sat down with a group of girls I graduated with in high school. Mostly a lot of chitter-chat about husbands, kids, and other family topics. I felt so out of place in those conversations as I have nothing to add of my own. No husband, no children to dote about, but I am happy to hear about their lives.
Once the vows were exchanged and the happy couple were announced as "Mr. and Mrs.", everyone filed into the reception area. Our little group sat together at a back table, where more conversation continued. One woman, who graduated when I was a freshman, was singled out for never having been married, but she had children. I never got married, either, but that did not seem to matter.
At one point, the conversation turned to age. It was a hilarious conversation regarding how so unsexy everything was and a competition we make to keep up with those younger than we are. One turned to me and said, "If I were to look at you, you do not look like you are going to be 48. You look like you are still in your 30s." I told her that I see the same lines and wrinkles forming on my face and my body tells me every day how I am actually aging. However, I do not think of myself as being almost 48. My mind still resides in that wonderful time of my life when I was 25-26. I was much thinner than I am now and I had this wonderful vision of how my life was going to be. I figured by my 30's, I would have been married, a child or two, and had a job I loved. That must be where my "youth" still resides - I remain young looking because I just have not grown up in a "life" sense.
Reality - I never met the man for me. Sure, I have these wonderful crushes on various men, but they never see "me". I always fall victim for the other woman who, for whatever reason, wins their hearts and then, they tell me of their despair in their relationships. Men I am not attracted to seem to scare me to death. I made my mistake with getting involved in a married man. I knew he would never leave his wife and I had no aspirations of anything more than that. I knew I liked this man, but I did not "love" him in that manner that I am looking. I really wished I had never made that mistake, but I was going through a lot of mental anguish and it happened when I was weak. I am stronger now and won't make the same mistake again.
My children are my dogs. Sure, they are furry, but I love and care for them as if they were my children. I feel such a pang of guilt when I have to leave them at home or the vet's office. I might enjoy a day off from the responsibility, but I miss them terribly.
My job - right now, that situation has not been what I had expected. Times have changed as have the values that corporations take for granted. At some point, there will be a wake up call, but none of us have time to wait. The interesting piece regarding work was that another gentleman, who was 50 and did not look like it, stated that he was looking to change his career as being an engineer was being phased out and sent to other countries. I resonated that by saying, today, by the time we reach 50, we have to recreate ourselves because the work goes elsewhere. We have to decide what it is that we really want to do with our lives. I figure, you work the less paying job until you reach your high point, then you have to do it all over again. When you do, pick a vocation that brings you joy and not pain.
While our bodies may show our age, I think you are seriously as young as you wish to be in your heart. That is what keeps you young!
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